GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – March 2016

Audio Autopsy – March 2016

01/03/16  ||  Global Domination

Abbath: Abbathabbath-abbath

7.0/10

Habakuk: This is actually decent, and without any surprises. Enough to bring it waaay up this month. 7

Myrkrarfar: The swagger on this album is so filthy, I need to take A bbath. 8

sly: Abbath’s Popeye vocals are a bit subdued and the music pretty intense, so that’s good. But I don’t feel any yearning to listen repeatedly. Let’s say it’s better than average but bland when compared to the likes of Marduk. If you’re a fan of Immortal give it a go, but personally I’ll stick with “Pure Holocaust”. 6

Witchcraft: Nucleuswitchcraft-nucleus

7.0/10

Habakuk: Hmmm. They have gotten a little heavier, but lost some catchiness. Mixed feelings here. 6

Myrkrarfar: Let me suck your nucleus. 8

sly: Talk about solid, enjoyable riffs thwarted by whimpering, Chris Martin-esque vocals. 5

Cobal Caldera: I already said I’m to purchase Borknagar’s latest. I already purchased this one. Nuff said. 9

Conan: Revengeanceconan-revengeance

6.5/10

Habakuk: Super sludgy shit. Vocalist hard to bear. 6

Myrkrarfar: “Conan, what is best in life?” “To crush your enemies with the humongous slabs of doom that are your testicles.” “And hear the lament-” “NO. CRUSH THEM.” 8

sly: Heavy and crushing yet never quite captivating. 5

Cobal Caldera: There’s something about this one I can’t really figure out. Its muddiness is amazing at times, but it’s difficult to sit through the whole thing at once. Anyway, I suppose that’s part of the idea. 7

Black Tusk: Pillars of ashblack_tusk-pillars_of_ash

6.3/10

Habakuk: Yep, this is a winner. Just look at the rest. 8

Myrkrarfar: More like Pillars of ass. Crumbling to dust. Assdust. The name of my new band that plays Black Tusk covers, exclusively. Only better. 3

sly: Kylesa + Mastodon – talent = Black Tusk. 5

Cobal Caldera: It’s been a long time since I listened to punk metal of this quality. It really had me headbanging to it during all tracks. 9

Borknagar: Winter thriceborknagar-winter_thrice

6.3/10

Habakuk: Hm. I would have expected a bit more black metal? 6

Myrkrarfar: Let me bork yer nagar. No, I don’t know what that means. 7

sly: Wishy washy Norwegian progressive metal. I didn’t know Vikings could be so whiny. 4

Cobal Caldera: I’m so buying this one. Much more progressive than metal, but hey. 8

Cauldron: In ruincauldron-in_ruin

6.0/10

Habakuk: If only the vocalist wasn’t so utterly lame, this could be a decent 80s rehash. 5

Myrkrarfar: The name’s Ron. CauldRon. The tamest vocalist in all of heavy metal. 5

sly: Reminiscent of Angel Witch and similar NWOBHM bands, Cauldron have a straightforward, rocking approach to their music. Attention-grabbing riffs (the openings for “Corridors of Dust” and  “Outrance” as well as the end of “In Ruin”), Ian Chains’ stellar guitar playing, and Jason Decay’s unembellished yet decidedly congruous vocals all serve to make “In Ruin” the standout album amongst this month’s hellish selection. 8

Master: An epiphany of hatemaster-an_epiphany_of_hate

5.3/10

Habakuk: It appeared to be shitty vocalist month from early on, but this has to be experienced to be believed.  Ouch. 3

Myrkrarfar: Let meeeeeee-eeeeeee regurgitate you! 5

sly: Old school death metal by old schoolers for old schoolers. This is no-frills, in-your-face music that has more genuine emotions than most of the pretentious bands this month. Also the lyrics are, for once, surprisingly compelling. 7

Cobal Caldera: The best thing that ever happened to this one is being the only death metal release this month. I’ve got a thing for this kind of primitive music. 6

Exumer: The raging tidesexumer-the_raging_tides

5.0/10

Habakuk: Mechanistic, formulaic, but not terribly shitty thrash by some guys that still think they can do it. 6

Myrkrarfar: The heir to the Throne of Thrash is not Exumer. Nemas. Nope. 4

sly: Exumer were an average thrash band back in the eighties. Now fast forward to 2016 and they’re still an average thrash band from the eighties. A decent release that goes nowhere.  5

Cobal Caldera: Enjoyable silly heavy thrash. Good only for nostalgia’s sake. 5

Hexvessel: When we are deathhexvessel-when_we_are_death

5.0/10

Habakuk: Ho. Lee. Shit. Hammond organ overkill. 2

Myrkrarfar: When hippies wanna rock, they have no vessel. Except Hex. Hex has a vessel, and he’s not afraid to use it. 6

sly: Another Finnish occult band with a silly vocalist reminiscent of Spinal Tap’s David St. Hubbins. I’ll let you decide for yourself whether that’s a good thing or not. 4

Cobal Caldera: Now we’re talking. Heavily Pink Floyd-influenced occult rock with manly vocals. 8

Megadeth: Dystopiamegadeth-dystopia

5.0/10

Habakuk: With Megadeth, I just go to Metal Archives these days. Oh, it’s got a high score? How cool, next! 5

Myrkrarfar: Plusses: punchy production, Kiko Loureiro, energetic songwriting. Minuses: Mustaine’s vocals, Mustaine’s self-rip-off riffs and arrangements, Mustaine’s lyrics, and Mustaine’s lack of hooks (in mouth). End verdict: 5

sly: The lyrics are basically: Blah blah I’m David Mustaine I love Christianity and hate Islam blah blah I’m a paranoid redneck douche blah blah. If that’s what you’ve got, just make instrumental music, fucker. 6

Cobal Caldera: These people should stop writing “new” music, form a good-old-times-Megadeth tribute, and tour the world for a couple years. Mustaine can go fuck himself with his islamophobic lyrics, and Ellefson should join a real band — or found a new NON-super group. A few catchy riffs, though. 4

Primal Fear: Rulebreakerprimal_fear-rulebreaker

4.8/10

Habakuk: If you ever thought mixing Judas Priest and Germany was a good idea, I’m sure you’ve heard about these guys already. 5

Myrkrarfar: Biatches got swag. 6

sly: Primal Fear embodies all the cliches of a Teutonic power metal band that has spent its musical career being gay for Judas Priest. 5

Cobal Caldera: Enough power metal for one month. 3

Axel Rudi Pell: Game of sinsaxel_rudi_pell-game_of_sins

4.3/10

Habakuk: Doing the same shit(TM) for what, 30 years now?  5

Myrkrarfar: “Pelle” is Finnish for “clown”, which would be a more suitable career for Mr. Axel Rudi, whose biggest sin is his total lack of self-insight. 3

sly: Axel Rudi Pell or mushy peas in a can? Mushy peas, please. Every time. 3

Cobal Caldera: Nobody can disguise power ballads as metal like Axel. 6

Dream Theater: The astonishingdream_theater-the_astonishing

3.0/10

Habakuk: Thirty-four tracks?  Next time I need to do some EXTENDED pneumatic drilling, this might get near my stereo. Or not. 2

Myrkrarfar: Dream Theater, putting people to sleep with bland prog since “Metropolis Pt. 2”. 4

sly: Two minutes of these guys is pretty torturous. But two hours is plain inhumane.  2

Cobal Caldera: Never understood the greatness of these guys. It’s simply impossible to stand nearly 2 hours of Dream Theater. 4

Rhapsody Of Fire: Into the legendrhapsody_of_fire-into_the_legend

2.5/10

Habakuk: The “good” thing about this band is that everybody knows what to expect by now. Of fire. 1

Myrkrarfar: Album of the year for fairies, elves and lousy producers. 2

sly: Power metal as a genre is already deplorable. Italian power metal is abominable. But these guys are truly THE PITS. 0

Cobal Caldera: Lemme make this perfectly clear for you: I don’t belong to the power metal hating club. Besides, my opinion is biased as I saw see these people live in Feb, and Lione’s delivery blew my mind. That said, Rhapsody put out much better records than this one when they were… errr… Rhapsody, plainly. And when there was only one band under this name. Not bad anyway, but there’s no reason to approach this unless you’re al-fucking-ready into the fantasy-cinematic-symphonic thing. 7

Avantasia: Ghostlightsavantasia-ghostlights

2.0/10

Habakuk: Heavy metal for theme parks employees. 1

Myrkrarfar: I was happier when the tag “power metal” was reserved for bands like Pantera and their ilk. 3

sly: This is so  pompously terrible that the mind boggles. If I said I’d rather listen to Dream Theater, would you understand? 0

Cobal Caldera: A couple songs made it to the playlist… a couple out of 13. 4

New feature!

To save you the hassle of going through every song of every album, Cobal Caldera has already done it for you! Here’s a Spotify playlist the delightful bugger has compiled for you, with the most relevant/representative tracks filtered out from this month’s edition: Audio Autopsy – March 2016

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