GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – January 2016

Audio Autopsy – January 2016

01/01/16  ||  Global Domination

Ram: Svbversvmram-svbversvm

7.3/10

Habakuk: Wow, no idea where these guys came from. Sweden you say? Well, who’d have thought. This is some fine heavy metal! 8

Myrkrarfar: For heavy metal to be truly great you need passion and honesty, both of which Ram have cockloads. Alas, you also need hooks, epicness and execution, the three of which aren’t quite there yet. Still pretty fucking nice, just like your mom was last night. 7

sly: A dark take on “Defenders of the Faith” with a twist of Mercyful Fate make this album a pleasant surprise, although it took me a while to get into. RAM and Portrait are the best Swedish traditional metal bands at the moment. 8

Cobal Caldera: Heavy metal with balls and hooks. The mental image is fascinating. 6

Lost Soul: Atlantis: The new beginninglost_soul-atlantis-the_new_beginning

7.0/10

Habakuk: Pretty aptly titled band. OK, but not my thing. 6

Myrkrarfar: In order for something to begin anew, a cathartic maelstrom of chaos and destruction must forego it. I’m flashing my Atlan-tits for this. 9

sly: Brutal Polish death metal in the form of a concept album so dense it gives “Tales from Topographic Oceans” a run for its money. 7

Cobal Caldera: Polish badassery with choirs and shit. I approve, but I’m not in love. 6

Hooded Menace: Darkness drips forthhooded_menace-darkness_drips_forth

6.8/10

Habakuk: Not menacing enough. Unsure about hoods. 5

Myrkrarfar: Very aptly titled, this album slithers its tendrils into your ear canals, slowly infesting your brain and turning on the rot. 8

sly: Hooded Menace have really created something unique. Their blend of incantatory melodies and cryptic atmosphere engulf you so deeply that you don’t notice it’s four long tracks. This album is akin to a classic Mario Bava film. 9

Cobal Caldera: Unlike other super slow bands, these farts actually care for adding detail to their songs, making them more than listenable. I wish I could say the same about the vocals. Listen. Purchase is at your own risk. 5

Abigail Williams: The accuserabigail_williams-the_accuser

6.8/10

Habakuk: I googled it. Still, that is a lame (and therefore misleading) band name, you clowns. 7

Myrkrarfar: With an atmosphere as thick as the smog in Beijing, Abigay strike another homerun. 8

sly: Abigail Williams reinvents itself once again; this time as a slightly more convincing black metal act. But the question du jour is: which trend train will their next release ride? 5

Cobal Caldera: Very enjoyable material. Takes off raw and towards the end it turns rather proggy. Only time will tell if they’ve finally found their sound. Go figure. 7

Grave: Out of respect for the deadgrave-out_of_respect_for_the_dead

6.8/10

Habakuk: Can’t blame them for taking too many prisoners. 7

Myrkrarfar: If there’s one thing Grave don’t know how to do, it’s disappoint. At least since 1996. 7

sly: Following a mid-career slump, Grave have finally been putting out some awesome albums. This one is even better than the last two; it’s thrashier, doomier, filthier, and reminiscent of vintage Grave. 8

Cobal Caldera: A very incorrect thing to say here, Grave has never done much for me. 5

Kampfar: Profankampfar-profan

6.8/10

Habakuk: This remind me of modern Marduk, but they lack some of the vicious bile. 6

Myrkrarfar: Eeexcellent. *steeples fingertips* 7

sly: These guys excel at what they do but I really can’t get into their style of black metal. Something just doesn’t click for me. Perhaps it’s the lack of lo-fi depravity? 7

Cobal Caldera: Unlike other Viking acts, Kampfar have learnt how to keep the rawness of black metal in their music. To me, that sets ’em apart from most of the bland bands of the like out there. Me likes. 7

Extreme Noise Terror: Extreme noise terrorextreme_noise_terror-extreme_noise_terror

6.3/10

Habakuk: Yess. Going back to super dirty crust goodness suits these guys only too well. 8

Myrkrarfar: Speed this up and it’s goregrind. Now it’s just violent punk with bowel puke on vocals. 5

sly: I really wanted to like this punk as fuck album, but Ben McCrow’s horrid, out-of-place, modern death metal vocals ruin most of it. Get rid of him. 5

Cobal Caldera: A punch in the face consisting of headbang-provoking riffs and blast beats. I have to say I prefer my punk vocals more intelligible and “vital”, if you like. 7

Intronaut: The direction of last thingsintronaut-the_direction_of_last_things

6.3/10

Habakuk: Guys, there is a lot of brain in your metal. 6

Myrkrarfar: Proggy beard metal, with a hint too much whine in their clear vox. Cool grooves, though. 7

sly: These Mastodon wannabes have finally outdone their idols. Not that it matters much these days. Damn kids. 5

Cobal Caldera: Weirdo post-whatever with killer cover art that—I suppose—I’m supposed to hate, but totally makes sense to me. A bit more “all over the place” than your regular bearded band, but hey. 7

Swallow The Sun: Songs from the north I, II & IIIswallow_the_sun-songs_from_the_north_i_ii_and_iii

5.8/10

Habakuk: How on earth am I gonna go through THREE DISCS of this? Sorry guys. Just no time! Gloomy gloomy alright. 5

Myrkrarfar: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah pretty good. 7

sly: This release consists of three discs which average 50 minutes each. Good luck, because 20 minutes of sun swallowing is already a formidable challenge. 5

Cobal Caldera: You don’t get to see too many triple albums these days, do you? For such an ambitious release, I’d say this is a mild success. 6

Draconian: Sovrandraconian-sovran

5.0/10

Habakuk: Formulaic and a little uninteresting. 5

Myrkrarfar: When Gothic doom and pop meet, period. 5

sly: Hooray, more Beauty and the Beast-style Gothic/doom metal. I’m just so fucken excited I’m worried that my sarcasm won’t get through. 3

Cobal Caldera: I was expecting lame Gothic “metal” with decent female vocals. Instead, I got solid Gothic metal with great female vocals. 7

Månegarm: Månegarmmanegarm-manegarm

4.3/10

Habakuk: I probably shouldn’t, but I continue like these guys. And they like Bathory. 7

Myrkrarfar: Album by album, Månegarm inch farther away from their blacker roots and into hey-ho-merrily-we-go-a-drinkin’ territory. Such a pity. 4

sly: Viking/black/folk/pagan/whatevermetal. This longship sank long ago. 2

Cobal Caldera: Not disgusting, but hardly memorable. “Vargaresa” is long gone. 4

Lacrimosa: Hoffnunglacrimosa-hoffnung

3.5/10

Habakuk: This is exactly what I expected. Pretentious shut-the-fuck-up Gothic in German. 3

Myrkrarfar: Passive-aggressive Göth with auto-tune and Mozart rip-offs. 2

sly: This is nothing but pretentious German Gothic schnitzel metal that makes me loathe the genre even more. Because apparently pretentious German Gothic schnitzel metal is a genre. 1

Cobal Caldera: Tilo Wolff is one of the most gifted composers of our time, not only a song writer. He did it again, and yet I ain’t sure how many of these tracks are gonna make it to his tour set list. 8

Girlschool: Guilty as singirlschool-guilty_as_sin

3.5/10

Habakuk: Girls, stahp! 2

Myrkrarfar: Apart from sucking more than just their significant others, Girlschool succeeded in the making of one of the worst covers of all time. 2

sly: I like ’80s Girschool. But this is 2015 Girlschool and luckily I wasn’t expecting much from it. 5

Cobal Caldera: Unnecessary but sorta fun grandma heavy rock. Takes off surprisingly good, but gets ol… Ups, sorry. Some other veteran bands (cof, cof, Saxon, cof, cof) could learn a trick or two. 5

Solution .45: Nightmares in the waking state, pt. 1solution_45-nightmares_in_the_waking_state-part_i

3.0/10

Habakuk: If these guys are the solution, then I don’t have that problem. 2

Myrkrarfar: Why did you have to djent, Chris? Why?! 4

sly: Every month there has to be one wretched melodic/groove death metal band with sappy fucken vocals and every month I tell ’em they fucken suck. This month the honour goes to Solution .45. You guys fucken suck! 2

Cobal Caldera: I was expecting much more. 4

Def Leppard: Def lepparddef_leppard-def_leppard

1.5/10

Habakuk: Guys, stahp! 2

Myrkrarfar: There’s only One Direction this shitfest goes – down the drain. 0

sly: Def Leppard bestows upon us yet another shitty, needless record. Thanks, guys, but we’ve got plenty. It would have been a zero, but I’m giving 1 point for each passable riff. 2

Cobal Caldera: Fuck this. Really. 2

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