Audio Autopsy – September 2015

Audio Autopsy – September 2015

01/09/15  ||  Global Domination

Kronos: Arisen new erakronos-arisen_new_era


Habakuk: Leave Kronos in Venom and keep the name out of brutal death, will you? 5

CadenZ: Pretty groovy. Or, as Yoda would put it: “Arisen, the cock has.” 7

sincan: Böbediböbediböbediwööööö and so on. My interest was lost, but I guess those “brains off here comes death” guys likes this. 5

sly: Well executed brootal death metal á la francaise. To say that this is breathtakingly original would be a flat out lie. Still, the intensity is here and these garons lay waste to most of their label mates and other bands of their ilk. 7

Trauma: Fuck yes.  Awesome name, awesome vocals, awesome music.  I get a much less technical Soreption vibe from these dudes.  Also Vader.  Check it out.  8

Cobal Caldera: Great use of themes… for a brutal band. Probably the only French outfit of the likes that I can recall. 6

Goatsnake: Black age bluesgoatsnake-black_age_blues


Habakuk: Oh, I confused these guys with Goatwhore. But hey, they do the same thing with southern instead of death metal. 6

CadenZ: Got snake? 5

sincan: This heavy piece of stoner doom is mostly up my alley but sometimes the vocals just annoy me a bit too much. 7

sly: Goatsnake’s sophomore release “Flower of Disease” remains one my favorites. When I heard these guys were releasing a new album I was intrigued. Well, the cover is a beaut’ but the music is somewhat hit and miss. The songs have variety, Pete Stahl is pretty on form, the riffs are pretty cool… I guess that’s the problem. It sounds pretty good but fails to impress. Maybe time will tell, but I doubt it. 6

Trauma: Like a lot of bands that sound like them, the music is good and the vocals suck.  What is it about that guitar tone that brings out the suck in singers?  6

Cobal Caldera: Great concept, kinda unfulfilled songs. Still, it’s got its moments, and I’m loving the harmonica. 6

Shape Of Despair: Monotony fieldsshape_of_despair-monotony_fields


Habakuk: Hey, a funeral doom album topping my list. It’s gotta be a great month. 7

CadenZ: If ever a sunny summer day turned into a utterly blackened, hopeless maelstrom of grief-stricken darkness, this would be the soundtrack. And last Wednesday, it was. 9

sincan: Well, I didn’t actually recognize the name and I for sure didn’t expect them to sound like they did, however the album artwork sent me some hope in this pink and cozy world and the hope was not all in vain! SLOOOW DOOOOM 7

sly: The title should just be “Monotony”. 4

Trauma: For comparison, this album is around as long as “Load”.  It felt three times as long.  3

Cobal Caldera: What the fuck did you expect from an album entitled “Monotony fields”? Surprisingly enough, the more luminous parts are way more interesting than the darker ones. 5

Symphony X: Underworldsymphony_x-underworld


Habakuk: I believe this is the second time that I am surprised this band isn’t as shitty as the name suggests. Too bad for them that my memory is. 6

CadenZ: The breathtaking songwriting is long gone. Or in other words, it’s been too long since Symphony hit the X. 6

sincan: Booooriiiiiing. Progressive often means boring, did you know that? 5

sly: Power metal and prog metal are two genres that mostly frighten me. Mix the two together and I tend to cower in a corner. I guess these guys are considered the pinnacle of the genre so it has its moments. But it’s soooooo cheesy… and pretentious… and cheesy and almost embarrassing to like. Though after all the shit I had to hear this month, if you crave a lame release you could try this one. 5

Trauma: Soft spot I have for Symphony X aside, this is good.  They also haven’t exactly put out a horrible record in the approximate past decade, either, so…  7

Cobal Caldera: I’ve got great memories of “The new mythology”, and while “Underworld” doesn’t exactly go in the opposite direction—in fact, there’s quite a few awesome moments here; it does add a dangerous Dream Theater vibe to the music, though. I fucking hate Dream Theater. 5

Bone Gnawer: Cannibal crematoriumbone_gnawer-cannibal_crematorium



CadenZ: With a sigh, the corpse opens the hatch and shouts: “Could someone please turn up the heat?!” 5

sincan: You will get Death here, just not that super interesting though. 6

sly: I tried to find something useful to say for this review but I took a nap instead. And Kam Lee’s vocals are so bad these days that I’m thinking he ought to just take one too. 5

Trauma: Aside from the useless 2 minute intro track, this is some better than decent death metal with good riffage.  7

Cobal Caldera: Sometimes a chainsaw’s all you need. Or not. 5

Lamb Of God: VII – Sturm und Dranglamb_of_god-vii_sturm_und_drang


Habakuk: Well, they still have that unique singer of theirs. 6

CadenZ: It’s sad when mediocrity is heralded as excellence. Every song of every LoG album features the same tempo, the same arrangements, the same key, and no memorable riffs or melodies whatsoever. Everything works quite OK, it’s just the same shit over and over. Obviously, they couldn’t produce a “WOWZA!!” moment if so their lives depended on it. And they are one of the biggest metal bands on the planet. Go figure. At least the first half of semi-ballad “Overlord” is good, and what do you think happens after three minutes? Yes. The same plodding mid-tempo, still in the same key, the same thrash-meets-breakdowns-with-a-dude-screaming-on-top arrangements. Maybe I’m old, but this shit was old before I was born. 5

sincan: I actually thought this would suck more, but it gets a bit repetitive after a while. I can’t but wonder why they hid the microphone in a pillow during the recording. 6

sly: More bland music by a bland band for a bland generation. After 15 years, these lamos are still writing the rulebook for the Extreme Mallcore genre. Almost palatable until well-versed douchefaces Chino and Greg do their guest thang. 4

Trauma: Still don’t like Lamb of God.  Also quite evident they haven’t improved their production or lyrical quality one bit.  5

Cobal Caldera: Pretty energetic. Sounds like Lamb of God. 7

Vattnet Viskar: Settlervattnet_viskar-settler


Habakuk: M-hm! I understand they are making good music and are the first metal band to show a girl on the cover not for the tits. 7

CadenZ: Jack Torrance called and wanted his multiple personalities back. 5

sincan: I remember the first EP being good with a nice atmosphere and the first full length being a disappointment, so I didn’t have any hopes for this one. So how was it? It was decent but repetitive and not that haunting. 6

sly: Nice scarf, butthole. 4

Trauma: Hahaha.  Didn’t see that album cover coming.  Not my bag.  5

Cobal Caldera: And yet another atmospheric record that does the trick without exactly standing alone for its originality or pretty much anything, for that matter. Besides, the vocals range from plain to annoying. Nice guitar arrangements, though. 5

Cradle Of Filth: Hammer of the witchescradle_of_filth-hammer_of_the_witches


Habakuk: Hey, Cradle of Filth still exist. 5

CadenZ: Never hire witches to do your carpentry, their hammer seems to hit as much as miss. 6

sincan: Oh a little dog on vocals and some melodic music in the background. It’s great for little girls with green plastic in their hair or a little too old boys for funky big black trousers with chains. 4

sly: MC Hammer of the Bitches. Do yourself a favor and listen to “Cruelty and the Beast” instead if you need a dose of this style of black metal. 5

Trauma: I don’t know.  There’s too much bad and annoying in here that just outweighs the good.  4

Cobal Caldera: A more riff-oriented CoF… I approve. Credibility is still an issue. 7

Disarmonia Mundi: Cold infernodisarmonia_mundi-cold_inferno


Habakuk: Okay, but I do hear some recycled ideas here and there in this melodeath. Cool cover though. 5

CadenZ: “Olla” in Swedish means “to touch something with the tip of your penis”. You’re welcome. 2

sincan: Melodic death that would make some bands from Gothenburg (either new ones or old with hubris and age crisis) poop brown of envy. 6

sly: Italian melodic death metal with a tinge of metalcore and lame clear vocals. These Fabios suck a pretty hard pepperoni. 2

Trauma: There are some good melodies and riffs, as well as shit parts.  Par for the course.  5

Cobal Caldera: While the appeal of this kind of melodeath is undeniable, it feels as though they emulated the Christian Älvestam-era of Scar Symmetry. Not even post-Christian Älvestam Scar Symmetry have achieved that. 5

Gus G.: Brand new revolutiongus_g-brand_new_revolution


Habakuk: Who are you Gus? Am I supposed to know you? Gus Greatsinger? Gus Goodmetal? It can’t be. 4

CadenZ: The ultimate multi-tasking album – the only time you get distracted by it is during the fantastic guitar solos. 5

sincan: I can smell life metal and blue jeans even when I’m taking a shit in your apartment. 3

sly: The best track on here is the first one: the instrumental. The rest is just lame power metal with a hodgepodge of vocalists. No continuity here except that each guest vocalist is even more annoying than the preceding one (although Jeff Soto is okay). 3

Trauma: Thank Satan he saved his better shit for himself and not for Ozzy.  6

Cobal Caldera: I almost liked a couple songs here. Not bad for a band named after some famous guitar player I don’t give two sharts about. 3

Between The Buried And Me: Coma eclipticbetween_the_buried_and_me-coma_ecliptic


Habakuk: How…progressive. How…annoying. 3

CadenZ: He leans back, takes a deep breath, and dashes towards the edge. “Now they’ll all see me for what I truly am – an epic beast to be reckoned with,” he thinks while closing the gap. The worn soles slap the concrete, and his nostrils flare as he leaps toward the opposite roof. Far too late, he realizes there’s no way in hell this is going to go well, and his eyes widen as he realizes the inevitable. With a satisfying “smack”, our hero faceplants on the brick wall, loses consciousness, and quietly tumbles down into the ally below. His BFF, holding the camera, exclaims: “Holy shit! He fell short!” Captain Obvious, standing behind him, calmly intones: “Exactly, my son. That’s what happens when your ambitions overreach your abilities. Much like the latest Between the Buried and Me album.” 5

sincan: The one sentence band name always makes the spider alarm to hammer my eyes with nails. In this case it was, again, right for the alarm to do so. 3

sly: The band name told me this was going to suck and brother, did they deliver. Emo-tech-popcore with highly annoying keyboards. So terrible this has to be a joke! 1

Trauma: Can’t remember whether how much I liked it or not, but the name made me remember “The Great Misdirect”.  Though, that album cover made me think of “Subdivisions” by Rush.  Musically talented, good parts, vocals meh… there could be worse music out there, and sure enough there is.  6

Cobal Caldera: Opeth meets “Bohemian Rhapsody.” 6

Powerwolf: Blessed & possessedpowerwolf-blessed_and_possessed


CadenZ: If they weren’t so far up their own asses, Sabaton would call and want their over-pompous shit-schtick back. 3

sincan: “I wonder how Sabaton would sound if they came from Germany?” did no one ever think. 4

sly: German power metal with all the anticipated clichés. Potato shredding solos, pretzel heavy bass, and anthemic choruses about eating schnitzel and apple strudel. And just as digestible as rank sauerkraut! 3

Trauma: Wolves are such amazing creatures.  Why do nearly every goddamn band with wolf or wolves in their name suck so much, then?  2

Cobal Caldera: Too many ah’s oh’s and aleluyas. 4

iwrestledabearonce: Hail Maryiwrestledabearonce-hail_mary


Habakuk: ihopeyoufuckingdie. 1

CadenZ: igotaheadacheonce. 3

sincan: Itwouldbebetterifyoustoppedwithyourfuckingbreakdowns24/7andalsoshutthefuckup. 3

sly: The epitome of pure shit. Everything insufferable and stinking about today’s scene wrapped into one unbearable album. 0

Trauma: ilistenedtoiwrestledabearonce.ididnotenjoytheexperience.theseassholescannowgofuckabearonce.  1

Cobal Caldera: Interesting how it takes a girl for metalcore to have some balls. Hail Courtney! 6

We Came As Romans: We came as Romanswe_came_as_romans-we_came_as_romans


Habakuk: You came as Romans. You sounded like any other band. Now please leave in any way you please. 3

CadenZ: And left as assraped, cockmangled fuckwads. 1

sincan: We came as post punk rockers but ten years too late. 4

sly: DEAR DR. SLY: Will sappy metalcore never die? — INDIGNANT IN IOWA DEAR INDIGNANT: No, because there will always be whiny, misunderstood, disenfranchised, know-it-all teens. My advice is to make yourself a sandwich and try to forget about it. 1

Trauma: If a breakdown is a Roman, these fucktards have left enough in their wake to enslave the world a million times over.  1


To/Die/For: Cultto_die_for-cvlt


Habakuk: I/hope/you/fucking/die. 2

CadenZ: Billy Idol and Glenn Danzig star as gay lovers in a teenage vampire TV series where everyone worships HIM and wears too much eyeliner. 2

sincan: What happened with the vocals and their production, well with all? 3

sly: It’s sad when your best song is a gothed-up Paula Abdul cover replete with off-key female vocals. Genius. 0

Trauma: To/Ignore/Forevermore.  1

Cobal Caldera: Face palm. 0

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