GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Fabio: After dark

Fabio: After dark

21/07/09  ||  Daemonomania

THE LEGEND:
There is a great story, old as the hills, from the ancient tomes of
heavy metal. It deals with the thunderous battle waged between the New
York mangods Manowar and a shadowy, muscular figure known by one name
only. Why did they fight? For the Warriors of the World feared that
the Milanese model’s new musical creation would unseat them from the
lofty throne of power. So they armed themselves with sword and spear
and tanning lotion. And with great vigor did they clash! The air was
alight with furious sparks of steel, much rippling of biceps, and the
sliding slippery noise that comes from oiled hairless chests rubbing
together.

In the end, after miles of countryside had been destroyed, both
parties fell back on their heels and regarded each other. In a thick
accent, the shadowy lion-man spake, “I can’t believe I did not
defeat you, Manowar! You are as strong and as metal as your lyrics
suggest!” And with admiration Manowar’s bandmembers said with one
voice, “Hail to thee, for you are quite the strong and sexy warrior
yourself. What do we call you, O goldenhaired wearer of strappy
sandals?” The mystery man turned, showing his toned gluts, and tossed
both his permed mane and one word over his shoulder…

Fabio!

Both parties reached a tacit agreement that Fabio would not release a
metal album to avoid endangering Manowar, and that Manowar would not
release an album full of elevator music and love advice to avoid
slighting Fabio. So that’s how Fabio relates to metal. Please don’t
ask again, ok, because the above story is totally true. Ask Manowar.
They respect Fabio bigtime. They’ll tell you all about it.

THE REVIEW:
I’ll bet you thought you were a smooth motherfucker, didn’t you? Bad
news pal, you’ve got a lot to learn. And who better to teach you than Fabio – dreamboat extraordinaire? You heard me right. The MANIMAL
himself put together an album in 1993 not only to help you bag the
broads but also to help the broads “bag” themselves over a few glasses
of wine, lonely tears, and starchy foods.

Let’s get this out of the way right now: 99.9% of the actual music
on here is so unbelievably atrocious that even someone deep in a coma
would twitch to life and hit the stop button if it was playing next to
his/her hospital bed. The only two songs that have any merit are Barry
White’s “I like you, you like me” which is a sloppy knucklechild at
best. Then there’s the Fab’s soon to be hit single “When somebody loves
somebody.” What can I say? This has to be one of the absolute
greatest comedy hits of all time! Every studio musician involved
probably went home and shot themselves in the genitals immediately after
it was recorded. They weren’t laughing. Not at all.

What really makes “After dark” worth the 99 cents I paid for it is
Fabio’s monologues. He rambles over cheeseball keyboards about the
subjects closest to his meaty pecks – romance, slow dancing, tropical
islands, being teh gay. Minus the last one. We wouldn’t want to
destroy the illusion, now would we? If you can keep a straight
face while Fabio talks about presenting his woman with a plane ticket,
her toothbrush, and a bikini (“On surprises”) then you’re one kvlt
bastard.

While I’m sure this is a cynical attempt to harness the music
purchasing power of the ladies who buy paperbacks with an airbrushed
Beef McStudcakes popping out in 3D from the cover, guys can learn a lot
from Fabio too. Did you know that women like to see romantic movies, or
that they enjoy a dude with a good sense of humor? Amazing. You’ve
learned something from the other Italian Stallion already.

So the sexiest man alive can take you to the door, but he can’t make
you step inside. Keep in mind, however, that the type of female you’ll
attract with “After dark” is best visited, well, uh, after dark. As
the old proverb reads: “fat chicks are like scooters – they’re fun
until your friends see you riding them.” Don’t let that dissuade you
though. Just ‘cause it looks like you’re diving into a pool of ten
gallon ziplock bags stuffed to bursting with ricotta cheese doesn’t mean
you’re not having a good time. 10 out of 10 for the monologues, 1 out of 10 for the tunes.

THE EPILOGUE:
Now you have read the astounding and completely accurate tale of
Fabio’s clash with Manowar in the early 90’s which decimated the English
countryside (forgot to mention that earlier). And you have experienced
great mirth at the awesome and incredibly funny review above. Now go
forth and honor men greater than you, and make passionate love to the heaviest of women.

  • Information
  • Released: 1993
  • Label: Scotti Bros.
  • Website: www.fabioifc.com
  • Band
  • Fabio: pure, leonine, smooth unadulterated manliness
  • Other people: slurping a dump out of a can
  • Tracklist
  • 01. Fabio: About Romance
  • 02. Suddenly – Billy Ocean
  • 03. Fabio: On Inner Beauty
  • 04. Tender Love – Force M.D.‘s
  • 05. Fabio: On Films
  • 06. Reservations for Two – Kashif, Dionne Warwick
  • 07. Fabio: On Tropical Islands
  • 08. Can’t Wait Another Minute – Hi-Five
  • 09. Fabio: When Somebody Loves Somebody
  • 10. Fabio: On Humor
  • 11. Let’s Put It All Together – The Stylistics
  • 12. Fabio: On Surprises
  • 13. Maldive Sunset [Instrumental]
  • 14. Fabio: On Slow Dancing
  • 15. Songbird [Instrumental]
  • 16. I Like You, You Like Me – Barry White
  • 17. Fabio: Ciao
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This entry was posted on June 29, 2014 by in Hall of Fame and tagged .
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