Nightwish: Once

Nightwish: Once

16/05/04  ||  Lord K Philipson

I kind of like Nightwish. I always did. I think it’s cool that they can pull off some piss-poor power-metal and make it work only thanx to vocalist/cumbucket Tarja. Pretty much as with Evanescence, Nightwish would be shit without their respective vocalists. What I don’t dig about these bastards though is the fact that they have always managed to include half an album of ass-material every time they release a new record. It seems like composer/keyboard-wanker Hoolaballopolainenski’s (or whatever his fucken last name is) ideas run dry after writing 5 songs or so. It’s evident on all their albums, to my grand non-liking.

Another thing that completely pisses me off is the fucken male-vocalist/idiot they throw in here and there within the songs. His voice is not good and it’s definitely not needed for Nightwish as they have the voice of Tarja. This guy sounds like he’s about to shit his pants when he pulls out his most manly vocals, and I don’t mean that in a good way at all.

So, let me rant a little bit more about the whore’s vocals. You all know what she sounds like, operatic (with a tendency to get a bit annoying even) and sweet with tons of vibrato. While I’m at it I have to add that I fucken despise a lot of vibrato with vocalists. There we go, I said it. Line up Bouncy (that ass just gave her that name) Knowles in front of a wall and give me some huge stones to throw at her, that’s how much I like vibrato overdone. Tarja isn’t using vibrato to the same extent as the just-mentioned cunt, but she definitely has her moments. I can actually stand her vibrato most of the time, how weird… I’m trying to get to the point here but I have completely forgotten what the fucken point was… Anyways… This time around Tarja’s probably been working more on her voice than ever before, coz that operatic voice has evolved into something even sweeter sometimes. She sings with a different approach here and there, and I happen to like it a lot. Good work skunk-face.

What about the material then? Well, it’s Nightwish you know. Fucken disgusting flutes here and there, probably included to create a “very” medieval atmosphere. Blow me. Include flutes again and I hope someone goes medieval on yer Finnish asses (thanx Pulp Fiction). It’s the same shit as always when it comes to Nightwish; chuggy riffs on one string with some warm and tender keyboard sounds backing it up. The occasional unnecessary guitar and keyboard solos are there of course, and I couldn’t care less about those. There’s nothing new under my foreskin if you get my point.

I have listened to this album quite a few times now and nothing has really struck me as excellent so far. There are some neat choruses and all here and there, but I can’t find any real hit-songs as I have done in the past with Nightwish, “10th Man Down” comes to mind in an instant.

I usually don’t make a song-by-song review when I bash or praise a band, so I guess I will wander about in that fashion and just mention some of the songs on the album. I’ll cover them in no particular order, just becoz I fucken feel like it.

The first single off this album was “Nemo”, and it’s definitely not one of the stronger songs these guys ever wrote. It’s very basic Nightwish-shit with no surprises whatsoever. “Dark chest of wonders” (among others) sport those utterly disgusting orchestra-hits (Children of Bodom ring a bell?) I so much loathe. There’s quite a bunch of stuff I hate in music, orchestra-hits are high on that list, just so you know. This song goes by without one eye-brow being raised. “Higher than hope” is a power-ballad deluxe with a real neat chorus. If they skipped everything but the chorus, they would have ended up with a great song. I don’t think that’s a huge compliment on the songwriting in this one. This mentioned chorus is a good proof of how Tarja’s voice has developed since the last album. Lovely. “Ghost love score” then. This one gives me ABBA-vibes, and that can not be good. Disgusting verse to say the least, but fortunately it picks up in the chorus. It would be very interesting to see them pull this chorus off live, since the vocals are dubbed beyond recognition. In this 10 minute track, it takes merely 7 minutes before something happens that gets my attention. A sweet dramatic break. That’s how I dig my Nightwish. The flute-bridge that comes after the break, I shall not mention more than this… Just insert yer favourite roll-eyes smiley here. Something Nightwish should be shot for is including a fucken ass-track sung in Finnish. A ballad sung in Finnish?! But for fucks sake… Finnish is one of the ugliest languages in the world. It shouldn’t be spoken, and even less sung in. Die.

I could go on and write about the remaining tracks as well, but I have decided not to. If I did though, the following would be included;

1. More nauseating flutes

2. More chuggy power metal riffing

3. More fucken flutes

4. More bombastic parts

5. Cocksuckers

666. Neat choruses

That sums the album up all fucken fine. I wonder why I didn’t write this review just like that, in 6 fucken parts. That would have saved me 30 minutes of my life and still it would have described the sound of this album perfectly. I’ll remember that when Nightwish releases their next full-length.

Nightwish were better on the first 2 albums. This just sounds very repetitive. Oh, before I forget… I think they should change their name to NightFish, that is one awesome name.

Fuck you.

Rating: 4 cocksucking male vocalists out of 10

  • Information
  • Released: 2004
  • Label: Spinefarm
  • Website:
  • Band
  • Tarja Turunen: vocals
  • Marco Hietala: bass, terrible vocals
  • Tuomas Holopainen: keyboards
  • Erno Vuorinen: guitars
  • Jukka Nevalainen: drums
  • Tracklist
  • 01. Dark Chest Of Wonders
  • 02. Wish I Had An Angel
  • 03. Nemo
  • 04. Planet Hell
  • 05. Creek Mary’s Blood
  • 06. The Siren
  • 07. Dead Gardens
  • 08. Romanticide
  • 09. Ghost Love Score
  • 10. Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan
  • 11. Higher Than Hope

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This entry was posted on June 23, 2014 by in Hall of Fame, Reviews.
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