Audio Autopsy – September 2013

Audio Autopsy – September 2013

01/09/13  ||  Global Domination

Witherscape: The inheritance Witherscape: The inheritance


Lord K: Mr. Swanö is one talented muthafucker, to
put it mildly. Together with his good friend Ragnar the duo’s created
some of the finer music in Dan’s discography. Also, his growls are
better than ever. 8

Habakuk: What-Is-The-Hype-erscape. 6

CadenZ: I have been waiting for a follow-up to
“Moontower” since ’98, to “Crimson II” since ’03 and to “White Darkness”
since ’07. Now it’s here. Dan, I love you. 10

Sokaris: Imagine progressive rock, alternatively
crunchy and ethereal, amped up to deathly levels. Witherscape shows
impressive dynamics and Swano once again demonstrates his Midas touch. 9

Ironpants: This is how it’s done. It’s so good that
I am embarrassed over the quality of the other bands in this month’s AA
(with a few exceptions). That fucken song “Dead for a day” is
practically a pop song, and would probably be on the charts if he sang
with clean voice only. Album of the year so far. 10

Amon Amarth: Deceiver of the gods Amon Amarth: Deceiver of the gods


Lord K: Obviously this Viking shtick is working and
on “Deceiver” the Amon fellas up themselves on all accounts (within
their own boundaries, that is), further increasing their popularity in
the process. By mixing up their trademark style with a lot more
traditional heavy metal than ever before they end up sounding fresher
than you’d think was possible. 8

Habakuk: Have they ever sounded any different? 7

CadenZ: Another competent effort by the Vikings,
this time with just a little more… heavy/thrash metal bite. Schweppes
(GD sponsor deal incoming). Though all in all, AA are just as
predictable and conformistic as they’ve been for the last 15 years, they
still manage to make every album decent enough to give ‘em a regular
spin. Standout track: “Shape Shifter”. 7

Sokaris: Yeah, it’s “Once sent from the golden
hall: Part 9”, but Amon Amarth have a wide enough palette to choose from
to keep me interested. This one seems to be a bit more melodic and
up-tempo in a traditional metal vein. 8

Ironpants: Viking mode: Activated. As always these
fine Norsemen of death metal arrives to rape & pillage your sound
system, and they do it with great success. Some people say that they
don’t develop between the albums. I disagree, they alter the course on
their mighty Viking ship a couple of degrees every time, and so far they
haven’t run aground. 8

Queensrÿche: Queensrÿche Queensrÿche: Queensrÿche


Lord K: The only Queensrÿche worthy of the moniker
shits on whatever that vest wearing, bald, cocksucking, spitting idiot
is releasing these days. Getting rid of that tool was obviously the best
move of their career (apart from recording the magical “Operation:
Mindcrime”, of course). New vocalist Todd
Torr-Torr-Finn-Barr-Fnarr-Fnarr-whatever might have a shitty stage
appearance (compared to Baldy he’s a fucken riot though), but he sure
can sing his hairy vagina off. 7

Habakuk: First time I listened to this, I fell asleep. The second time around, I knew why. 5

CadenZ: Geoff Tate must feel pretty inadequate
right now, on top of being an asshole he’s now in the second best
Queensrÿche out there. Not that this album is mind-blowing, but compared
to Tate’s effort anything short of cockpuke is pure gold. 6

Sokaris: Yeah it’s better than Ge(rk)off Taint’s
sonic dropping earlier this year but let’s all be honest and stop
pretending that Queensrÿche is ever going be anything better than
mediocre. 5

Ironpants: Well, finally the real Queensrÿche
arrived and showed that fucko Geoff Taint how it’s done. Todd La Torre
sounds more Tate than Tate, the album is heavier and better than I
expected. It’s not their best album, it was released some 24 years ago,
but hell if this isn’t one of their better efforts in a long time. 7

Panzerchrist: The 7th offensive Panzerchrist: The 7th offensive


Lord K: I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but these guys went from being an absolutely awesome
death metal band on “Room service” to completely losing me with the
much more black metal influenced albums coming after that one. This here
piece is not fully bringing me back to Imafanville. At all. Why oh why
did you have to fuck everything up, guys… 4

Habakuk: So not Bolt Thrower. 6

CadenZ: I applaud the black metal parts and drop napalm on the unimaginative caveman death metal to even out the score. 5

Sokaris: A name I’d heard before (seriously, how
could you forget that moniker?) but they’re new to my ears. Riff-based
death metal (as it should be) with some well executed bouts of
technicality in the drumming and leads. 8

Ironpants: The Danish legends Panzerchrist strikes
once more, and decided to use their worst production ever. What’s up
with that? The ride is pinging like there is no tomorrow and it fucken
eats its way inside your skull. And the guitars are thinner than a
pole-dancers pole. By the way, that slightly re-arranged “Game of
Thrones” theme in “Mass attack of the lycanthrope legion” is bordering plain theft. But still… it’s death metal. 6

Agathodaimon: In darkness Agathodaimon: In darkness


Lord K: Expecting über-shitty and under-produced
black metal and get some decent, melodic, semi-blackish (among other
things) metal instead is a nice surprise. These Germans certainly do not
suck as much as you’d think they would by looking at their moniker. I
say give this a shot if you’ve got nothing better to do. 6

Habakuk: Somehow Germany and death metal just don’t quite mix for me, some honorable exceptions aside. 5

CadenZ: I-got-ho-daimon bore me intensely with
their dark and gothic take on pseudo-black metal. Can’t believe I chose
this over masturbating. 5

Sokaris: Agathodaimon are one of those bands I’ve
always been aware of but haven’t actually listened to much, like
Catamenia (except instead of wolves, these guys are obsessed with having
the color blue on their covers). Solid melodic black that’s at its best
when it’s aggressive and dark. 6

Ironpants: Well performed, mature, melo-black with a
very good sound picture. And that is the problem. There is no spice,
spunk or balls in this. It’s just too perfect and boring. There are some
highlights though, but not enough to raise my enormous dong. 5

SuidAkrA: Eternal defiance SuidAkrA: Eternal defiance


Lord K: Poor man’s metal. I’m rich, I’m above this travesty. 3

Habakuk: Another folkish death metal band with a Roman themed album. Well, why not? 7

CadenZ: I am in eternal defiance of this album. 3

Sokaris: These guys have been one of metal’s better
kept secrets for way too long. Balances melodic, extreme, epic and
folky elements into one crafty Celtic cocktail. 9

Ironpants: Folk music, folk metal, fuck metal, folk you, folk off! 4

Mercenary: Through our darkest days Mercenary: Through our darkest days


Lord K: I have come to like Mercenary over the
years. Their catchy and cheesy version of metal makes for a nice
breather in between all the tr00 shit I listen to all the time. 7

Habakuk: One song on German Spotify. It sounds like Mercenary. 7

CadenZ: Modern melodic metal with boy band vocals
and pop melodies. They need to be crushed, seen driven before you, and
lamented by their women. 2

Sokaris: Soilworky in parts, though their hybrid
approach isn’t quite as smooth. The melodeath isn’t sharp enough and
the power metal isn’t all that powerful. 4

Ironpants: Danish dudes doing their thing, and it’s
not that bad when they do the little harsher style of melo-death, but
it always tips over to the melodic metal side and that’s not my thing.
So, bye bye. 6

Deeds Of Flesh: Portals to Canaan Deeds Of Flesh: Portals to Canaan


Lord K: DOF play the
exact style of American death metal that I will always have a hard
fucken time to appreciate, no matter how technically impressive it is. 5

Habakuk: Nah. Lacks personality. The only classic thing about this is that “their old stuff was better”. 6

CadenZ: Death metal of the most uncatchy kind. They
riff, they drum, they growl, and the only thing they manage to do is
bore me. Canaan? More like “Portals to Never-Neverland”. Zzzzzz…. 4

Sokaris: I like my deeds done a little dirtier. 5

Ironpants: Fasten your seat belts, ladies and
gentlemen. Your flight with BrutalTechDeath Air to the land of Canaan
will soon take off. Our flight attendants will be with you to serve your
needs as soon as we reach cruise speed at around 250 BPM. 6

Serj Tankian: Jazz-iz-Christ Serj Tankian: Jazz-iz-Christ


Lord K: The fact that Serj’s got a few loose screws
doesn’t come as much of a surprise. But this… this is just something
else. Not particularly good, but ultimately quite interesting for
whatever that’s worth. 4

Habakuk: Most of the time Serj Tankian shuts up.
Which is great as it allows for enjoying this disc of genuinely great
music far, far away from anything metal. 8

CadenZ: Not in a million years would I have guessed
this to be a Serj Tankian album. A half-loungy jazz comp section
swingin’ it, smooth and somber melodies tooted on the sax, trumpet and
flute, and some trip hop beats funkin’ their way straight out of the
decadent back streets of Paris or London all help to disguise the origin
of “Jazz-iz Christ” very well. Only the couple of tracks featuring
Serj’s vocals give away who’s behind all this, at the same time being
the only songs I’m not totally sold on. A fantastic listen. 8

Sokaris: I guess Serj is like nu-metal’s Devin
Townsend at this point. It’s not unpleasant to listen to but it just
kind of reeks of self-indulgence. 4

Ironpants: He wasn’t very good at metal, so my
first guess was that he is probably not very good at jazz either? Was I
right? I don’t know… cause I don’t consider myself as a connoisseur of
jazz. That’s why I write for Global Domination and not Jizzy Jazz In My
Azz Weekly. I will have this record played at my funeral just for having
the last laugh. 1

James LaBrie: Impermanent resonance James LaBrie: Impermanent resonance


Lord K: The world must have waited a long time for a
solo album by the vocalist of Dream Theater, no? The music? It sounds
like you expect it to. 5

Habakuk: Who is James LaBrie and what does his sugary melodic metal do in my speakers? 5

CadenZ: LaBrie decides to stain his legacy with one of the most generic metalcore albums I’ve ever heard. Fuck off, James. 2

Sokaris: It’s a little too slick and plastic-y to
warrant a ton of listens from me, but Labrie’s smooth voice complements
the clean tone of the album’s rock instruments and the aesthetically
progressive production of the keys. 5

Ironpants: LaCheese(Brie) has put together a pretty
ok album. The problem is that he sounds like a girl when he sings. I
have a problem with that. It’s kinda sad when the music is pretty hard
and metal at times, but the voice sounds like his last name tastes –
mild cheese. Wildoer does the drums here AND he sings the harsh vocals. When will he
do a solo album? This is like having Taylor Swift singing for Soilwork
or In Flames and an overdose of keyboards on top of it all. 6

The Storyteller: Dark legacy The Storyteller: Dark legacy


Lord K: When you name a song “Strength of Valhalla”
you know this is going to suck different kinds of penises. Holy shit
what a load of embarrassment disguised as music. 1

Habakuk: Whoever decided to put this album out in
the same month as an Amon Amarth album hates this band and wants them to
die. Not that they’re bad, but a bit of death metal wouldn’t hurt their
epic fantasy stew. That singer reminds me of someone, but I can’t place
it. 7

CadenZ: Let me tell you a story: a mediocre heavy metal band entered a studio and recorded an album. What they did not do, however, was to tune their guitars. Result? 3

Sokaris: Power metal with balls and brains rooted
in the sound of Iron Maiden and Blind Guardian’s golden eras that
branches into more (relatively) modern territory in spots. Never does
that classic sheen of speed metal influenced badassery wear off though. 8

Ironpants: This is a perfect example of why I stay away from power metal. “Snap, crackle, pop”.
Happy crappy choruses to double bass drums that sounds like when you
play with your hands on your naked butt cheeks. It could have been a tad
better if they brought a production with fat sound, but this production
is thinner than a Thai prostitute on crack. 3

Burzum: Sol austan, mani vestan Burzum: Sol austan, mani vestan


Lord K: Never in a million years would I have
guessed that this is Burzum. I thought they played some sort of metal.
They obviously don’t. Sokaris says it best. See for yourselves. 3

Habakuk: I don’t think this is bad at all, but without the reputation of its maker, NO-ONE would give a shit about this. Also, misleading cover. 6

CadenZ: Every time I’m in the mood for some dark electronic ambient music with pagan undertones, which is never, I go with Burzum. 4

Sokaris: Toy piano, sterile clicks and generic,
wooshy pad sounds. I guess this is background music to light some
aromatherapy candles to and complain about how brown dudes are the one
thing stopping the world from fucken utopia. Borezum. 3

Ironpants: The old wolf has turned ambient and will
now go under the pseudonym DJ Grishnackh, if he can stay out of jail
long enough. I can’t really massacre this, cause I kinda like it. But, a
metal album? Not by a long shot! As a relaxed, laid-back piece of work
full of tranquility? Yes! The vintage keyboard sounds and sporadic
acoustic guitars is rather nice. So, 7 points for the actual crap going
on, but as far as metal goes? 3

Deadlock: The arsonist Deadlock: The arsonist


Lord K: I absolutely love Sabine’s voice and still
think they should ditch the male vocals (new guy doing them now, but it
doesn’t matter). On “The arsonist” they have aimed for Meshuggah’s
guitar sound while turning towards an even more modern approach than
before. And they do it all very well. 8

Habakuk: The most retarded guitar sound ever, and I luckily only got two songs of it. 4

CadenZ: I usually don’t like to include pop albums
on AA, but when the sing-along choruses are accompanied by wannabe-metal
“riffs” played on downtuned djent guitars, a monkey on “growl” vox and
other stupid metalcore shit, the opportunity of getting to bash the shit
out of this asswipe disguised as CD is all too good to pass up. 3

Sokaris: I just can’t pick what I hate about this
shitstorm the most. The despicably venomless production, the ultra
un-heavy guitar tone, the moronic male vocals or the boring female ones.

Ironpants: This album is a perfect gift for your
kids as a first step into the wonderful world of djent-pop. If you hurry
up and order now, you’ll get a signed photo, a cool badge, branded lip
gloss and vouchers for cool merchandise. Don’t miss out on this chance
of experiencing the fresh blend of pop, dance, Euro-pop and malicious
sounds from the future. This message was brought to you by Nickelodeon. 2

Philip H. Anselmo And The Illegals: Walk through exits only Philip H. Anselmo And The Illegals: Walk through exits only


Lord K: A great fucken vocalist with but one decent band to his name – Pantera. This is shit. 2

Habakuk: Philip H. Anselmo and the Hang It Ups. 5

CadenZ: Brutal attitude, harsh vocals, good drummer, nice production. Too bad they forgot to write songs for the album. 2

Sokaris: Nasty and obnoxious. Those aren’t
necessarily bad qualities in music but this gets tedious as it looks for
interesting riffs. 3

Ironpants: This crap don’t walk through exits, it
fucken flies warp speed out the window. Repetitive, boring shit from an
old master that should manage to do better. What the hell happened to
good songs, Phil? 4

Five Finger Death Punch: The wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell, volume 1 Five Finger Death Punch: The wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell, volume 1


Lord K: They should five finger death punch their
assholes until they explode. It’s ridiculous that bands like this are so
popular, preventing real bands from entering the spotlight in the process. 3

Habakuk: Undeniably well-executed retardation. 6

CadenZ: I thought I’d be nice and find at least
three positive things to say about this record: 1. One of the guitarists
is named Zoltan Bathory. That’s pretty rad. 1

Sokaris: Rockstar Energy Hot Topic Call of Duty Doritos Affliction Tapout Ed Hardy-core. 1

Ironpants: One night after a festival in
Sucksville, after a few too many Strawberry Daiquiris, Slipknot and
Nickelback ended up in an enormous gang-bang, and after 9 months, Five
Finger Fist Fuck was born. Did you know?: Lord K sometimes join them
live and handles the bass just for giggles 4


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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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