GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – May 2010

Audio Autopsy – May 2010

01/05/10  ||  Global Domination

Darkthrone: Circle the wagons Darkthrone: Circle the wagons

8/10

Kampfar: Darkthrone was a much better ensemble when
not trying to be as shitty as possible, and mighty hard they nowadays
try, but to my surprise I don’t loath this offering as much as I did
their last. Nonetheless, you would be wise to do Aura Noir instead. 5

Trauma: Maybe it’s the timing, maybe it’s my tastes changing, but this album gets me into this air-drumming mode (when no one is watching, of course),
makes me want to pick up my guitar and begin playing. This is already
at the top of my 2010 list and I don’t think it’s gonna get dethroned.
The biggest bright spot in this edition for me: the attitude, the
nostalgia, the arrangement of tunes and the riffs in said tunes, these
guys hit the nail on the penis for me. 10

CadenZ: It all comes down to fucken attitude.
That’s the crucial ingredient, talent alone just doesn’t cut it. Fenriz
and Nocturno Culto, possessors of both – I salute thee. 8

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): One hand on the
folköl, the other a pumping fist. Darkthone continue keeping it real
with another record in their most recent and most glorious “speed metal
punk” era. “I am the graves of the ’80s” is up there with “FOAD
as far as hits go. As always, some of the stuff you have to laugh
about, like the clean vocals. Severe Manilla Road worship in the title
track, and while it’s OK for one song, I do hope they do not pursue this
path in the future. The production should not scare anyone off this
time, crisp and clear as it is. The entire thing is very stupid, very
clever and very awesome. This is the Unabomber metal manifesto, and it’s
exactly what the world needs in 2010. 9

Triptykon: Eparistera Daimones Triptykon: Eparistera Daimones

7.75/10

Kampfar: Celtic Frost never appealed to me, Triptykon and their doom with a fair hint of death do. 7

Trauma: What sometimes drags on for extended
periods, Tom Warrior’s new project actually sounds pretty damn good.
It’s got an atmosphere going for it, on top of some quite listenable
tunes. I could see this growing on me with time. 8

CadenZ: Dark, gloomy, sinister… a soundtrack to your nightmare. 8

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): “Monotheist” was hella
sweet, so I’ve been looking forward to the next release from the master
of all hats and pouting. That the band name isn’t Celtic Frost has made
little difference, since this is the logical successor to “Monotheist”.
With the exception of “Myopic Empire”, which is a horrible song, and
some over the top pretentious singing in places, it is a fine, fine,
crushingly heavy record. 8

Unleashed: As Yggdrasil trembles Unleashed: As Yggdrasil trembles

7.25/10

Kampfar: Unleashed has kept their motor running for
21 years by now, fucking impressive indeed, but “As Yggdrasil trembles”
isn’t all that impressive. They haven’t turned totally shit all of
sudden, it took them several years to reach this state, and what I wrote
between the commas isn’t true. But, and this is an honest opinion,
their back catalogue is more often than not better than what they
released anno 2010. 5

Trauma: You’ve got yourself a fantastic start to a
fantastic album here. Had me hooked upon the first riffs unleashed in
“Courage today, victory tomorrow”. Unleashed proves yet again that you
should never discount the veterans to school everyone else on how you
should be crafting music. I like the “Evil dead” cover at the end, too. 9

CadenZ: A great slab of The Big U’s trademark death. Tasteful solos cap off this highly enjoyable motherfucker like a charm. 8

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): The band of
unambiguous choruses return not long after the badass “Hammer
Battalion”. More of the same is what we expect and get, which certainly
is not a bad thing when it comes to these dudes. While it does not reach
the levels of the aforementioned “Hammer Battalion” when it comes to
either songwriting or production values, it is still quite a good
record. 7

The Dillinger Escape Plan: Option paralysis The Dillinger Escape Plan: Option paralysis

6.25/10

Kampfar: Bi-polar extremity hard to tag is what The
Dillinger Escape Plan is up to. Yet again. Yet again’s aside, is this
the weakest effort they ever did? I, Mr. Bipolar himself, certainly
think so. 7

Trauma: I never understood these guys or their
appeal ever. I remember when I was in my initial days of being into
death metal, some hipster jew was all gung-ho on these guys and thought
I’d dig them because they are so similar, you know (I also loved the fuck out of Mr. Bungle, which may have been more of the reason…).
Way too “chaotic”, quotes for obvious sarcasm. Competent musicians, but
they try too hard to be unique. I couldn’t stand this before, and today
I can stand this even less. 4

CadenZ: This much-hated and much-praised band gets
both from me. I like a lot of the stuff but they mostly just can’t stay
put and draw the most out of each part, but jump hyper-actively to the
next thang. 6

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): “Calculating Infinity” is a modern masterpiece and the other stuff DEP
released hasn’t been bad either. “Ire Works” had some very poppy shit
and the worst song they ever did, “Black Bubblegum”. The new record
brings them back to more classic territory, which is both bad and good.
The other records had their own identity, this sounds like a mix’n‘match
of previous releases. Tunes are still good and as I suspect this will
be a grower, I reward them a fan boy: 8

Ov Hell: The underworld regime Ov Hell: The underworld regime

6.25/10

Kampfar: Dear Satan ov hell, please visit and
thereafter assrape me with your mighty horns. A biblical figure you are,
and the bible must be burnt, but you and your horns makes me horny
still. Other than that, Ov Hell is a decent band doing semi-slick black
metal. 6

Trauma: You’ve heard this black metal all before, both with shittier and better production. Same goes for songwriting. 5

CadenZ: Frostbitten kvlt grimness done quite well,
some all-important 90s vibes are present. This is certainly better than
both the Gorgoroth and Dimmu Borgir of today. 7

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): Some sort of super
group consisting people from all kinds of Norwegian black metal bands.
Dry and clear guitars, Popeye type vocals and disharmonic riffing makes
this a pretty sweet mix. 7

Trauma: Archetype of chaos Trauma: Archetype of chaos

6.25/10

Kampfar: Quality death from Poland isn’t an anomaly
and Trauma makes it even less so. Then again, “Archetype of chaos” is
hardly the most exciting slab of death you’ll ever encounter, well
played and all that, just not original in the least. 7

Trauma: Aside from having the best moniker to
appear in this edition, their death metal attack is lacking in staying
power and interest. The second track is the best one on here, and for
the most part the Polish veterans are not on point this time. 5

CadenZ: It’s amazing how many excellent death metal
squadrons Poland has to offer nowadays. Trauma follows the formula with
straight-up carnage which sounds properly sick and fucken harsh, 7

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): Trauma continue to
deliver modern and quite mechanical sounding metal. Drum sound is 100%
unapproved by Fenriz, as per usual. Not bad, but they slowed things down
a bit, which is seldom a good thing. I fear their best material is
behind them. 6

Abscess: Dawn of inhumanity Abscess: Dawn of inhumanity

6/10

Kampfar: Mongoloid death sounding as if it was
recorded in the 90’s, by a shitty band, royally pisses me off when
writing 2010. Not funny, not good, but if you are one of them idiots
claiming old-school to be best I guess you wholeheartedly disagree.
Suicide is even more old-school, go forth and die already. 3

Trauma: I can’t ever remember hearing anything from Abscess that I enjoyed. Autopsy, yes (“Mental Funeral” for you retards),
but not this other far less superior project. After multiple listens
upon this, though, I find some stuff that sends a bit o’ the ol’ love
juices into my urethra. Unfortunately, it happens far too little
compared to the total horse-kick to the scrotum that is Darkthrone’s
latest. I did dig some old rock and roll riffs I heard, though. Yes,
they are there – masked a bit by tempo and playing. I wouldn’t be
surprised if I give the highest score for this record this month. 6

CadenZ: Sikk sikk sikk sikk sikk sikk. I am convinced. 7

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): The talented Mr.
Reifert and his fellow filth merchants of Abscess are back with a new
record of festering goop. There should be no need to tell you that this
is good news, but there you go. It sounds like a bunch of madmen locked
themselves into a studio with bourbon and drugs to last a week, and
emerged with this record. Which probably is exactly what happened. 8

Borknagar: Universal Borknagar: Universal

5.75/10

Kampfar: Pretentious bullshit metal without a shard
of of aggression infuriates me more than my heart think of as cool. In
other words, only give this one a go if you are retarded enough to think
of progressive nothingness as the cream of the crop when speaking
music. If so happens to be the case, I of course hate your guts. 3

Trauma: I own “Origin” and I really do love that
album. I was driving through the wilderness in Oregon and it was all I
listened to for that period (mp3 player being dead kinda forced that
situation). This is clearly a whole different beast compared to
“Origin”, but not the rest of their material I’m guessing. It’s alright
black metal and the guys are definitely great musicians. Vintersorg’s
cleans are quite irritating at times, though. They really go for
progressive touches often here, sometimes nailing it and sometimes not
quite so. 6

CadenZ: Øystein is back. His trademark
semi-dissonant chord riffs haven’t sounded this good in ages. This is
probably my favorite Borknagar release since “The Olden Domain”. 7

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): If the concept of
Queen-prog-black-metal sounds intriguing to you, try these guys out. A
bit too saccharine for me, but dudes definitely know their shit. 6

Finntroll: Nifelvind Finntroll: Nifelvind

5.5/10

Kampfar: “Midnattens widunder” and “Jaktens tid” are both recommended, “Nifelvind” and its bland approach not so. 4

Trauma: With a name like Finntroll and a title like
“Nifelvind” I was a bit confused and began asking myself questions.
Isn’t that a Swedish word? Aren’t these guys Finnish? Am I going to hate
this? Well, the answer to the last question is that minus the fucken
intro, no I do not hate this. Not nearly as bad as I thought they’d be,
and not at all approach the levels of pretentiousness achieved by one
other band in this edition. Folk metal, yes, but it didn’t piss me off
quite in the same way as others. 6

CadenZ: Fantastically produced and arranged,
incorporating unorthodox instrumentation and genres from heaven to hell,
Finntroll have managed to create their best album to date, no contest. 8

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): Disney metal with folk music leanings; no thanks. For further reference see Eluveitie. 4

Kalmah: 12 gauge Kalmah: 12 gauge

5.25/10

Kampfar: Melodic death of the burly kind is what
“12 gauge” has to offer. No thanks, is my answer, but I have to admit
that I dig most of the soloing. 4

Trauma: Seeing as I disagree with staffer Smalley
on just about everything I came in prepared to hate this band, because
stuff to which he praises Jesus’ name I hate with the utmost of hatred.
The growls are quite good and the typical Finnish sound is subdued
enough to make the listen enjoyable throughout the whole album. It
starts off good and ends well enough. 8

CadenZ: Good musicians and good arrangements do not
a good record make, if the song material is forgettable, mediocre,
average, generic, unoriginal, stale, boring, uninteresting… you still
reading? 5

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): The Happy Happy Joy
Joy song is more sinister than these tunes. I’m not saying that shit
needs to be morose like a motherfucker all the

time, but at places this is giddy like a kindergarten on a severe sugar
rush. Rush on the other hand are awesome, and would have gotten a much
higher grade than: 4

Spazmosity: Welcome death Spazmosity: Welcome death

5.25/10

Kampfar: By the name of it, these guys should be
doing spastic acid jazz, not a really rather boring and not at all weird
mix of black and death. Nice try, guys, but I’ll pass with ease. 5

Trauma: The ultra-strained vocals sound like the
audio equivalent to buckets of donkey cum and leave an imaginary taste
in your mouth quite similar (you know, if I was to imagine how it’d taste… I’ve never been to Mexico, no sir).
The compositions themselves add a lot more to the music, but vocals
need to take a huge fuck off in the general direction of 50 tactical
nukes. 5

CadenZ: The vocalist sucks, otherwise OK Swedish melodic death/black. 6

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): Replacing the weak
death metal vocalist with a non-weak black metal variant would’ve done
these dudes a world of good. Some decent riffs, too bad they’ve been
done a lot of times before. 5

Armored Saint: La raza Armored Saint: La raza

4.25/10

Kampfar: The armor worn by these imbecile saints
would not be able to withstand me and the bazooka I don’t own yet. Hell,
by sound of their cliché ridden heavy metal it would surprise me
immensely if said armor would survive me pissing all over it. I hate you
guys, choke on urine already. 2

Trauma: I was expecting to hear another fucken “Low
rider” at the beginning. Listen to the first track and you’ll
understand. I’m about as familiar with Armored Saint as I am with the
pubic growth on my neighbors nutsack, but I don’t reckon that I’d be in
love with their older material because I’m definitely not in love with
this. 4

CadenZ: I’ve always liked John Bush, and his voice helps lift this groovy heavy metal band slightly above average. 6

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): I hold John Bush as
one of the best metal singers ever, and AS released some good shit in
the past. What they offer on this semi-reunion records isn’t that hot
unfortunately. Someone for sure should have taken away the drummer
mongo’s bongos, since that shit goes together with the music like
Catholics and prophylactics. Combined with uninspired heavy metal that
has nothing new to offer, lyrical mishaps like “fierce like a badger”
and rhyming “monkey” with “funky”, it does not a good record make. 5

Jon Oliva's Pain: Festival Jon Oliva’s Pain: Festival

4/10

Kampfar: I once witnessed Jon Oliva and his pain on
stage, a sorry sight it was, and especially sorry it became when this
fat fuck named Jon, in between songs, whine and whined about his health
problems. Try not eating tons of fatty food each and every day, Mr.
Fleshmountain, and you might find yourself in a better shape before
long. Your take on heavy-metal, on the other hand, isn’t the worst I
ever heard. 4

Trauma: His pain is certainly not my pleasure. 2

CadenZ: Nice sweaty 80’s heavy metal. Definitely among the better outfits in their genre. 7

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): Oliva named this band
in tribute to his profound sadness over not having seen his genitals
with, no pun intended, the naked eye in

several decades. This is not the forum to delve into the details of the
contraptions he manufactured for the purpose of a second hand view, but I
have heard they are ingenious. It’s just too bad for all of us that he
didn’t put the same effort into his music. Unless overblown eighties
hard rock with pretty damn poor vocals are up your alley, stay away. 3

Catamenia: Cavalcade Catamenia: Cavalcade

3.25/10

Kampfar: I would rather lick a menstruating cat in the cunt than listen to Catamenia ever again. 2

Trauma: The music sounds exactly as you thought it would when the band puts wolves on (almost)
every album cover. Mostly wholly pretentious black/epic/modern and
containing those folky melodies. It’s listenable but not something I’d
reach for in the digital warehouse that is the Internet. Put wolves back
on your covers. 6

CadenZ: Finnish untalented gay pop disguised as “metal” with the occasional growl. Fuck you. 2

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): I don’t know what
sub-genre this is supposed to be, but I do know that I don’t like it.
Some kind of melodic pseudo metal with black metal leanings. I can only
imagine the legions of bands that thoroughly whups their asses at this
game. It’s not completely amateurish, but the vocals are weak, songs
sound hella rehashed, shit tries to be catchy but does not catch. Listen
to Borknagar instead. 3

Eluveitie: Everything remains as it never was Eluveitie: Everything remains as it never was

2.5/10

Kampfar: If your idea of fun is roaming the woods
whilst pretending to be a warrior-elf, or something idiotic to that
effect, I guess Eluveite and their lacklustre folk metal crap will
appeal to you. This very troll, however, dies inside when listening to
their cheesy bullshit. 2

Trauma: Everything remains (as it never was) – I
thought I was greeted with copious amounts of pretentiousness from
Borknagar and Catamenia, but I was not prepared for what I would hear
once Elutittie began. From an apparently useless intro track with some
bagpipe or whatever bringing to mind Celine Dion’s Titanic hit…
just… what the fuck? You’ve got flutes and didgeridoos and mijwizes
with nice female vocals and decent growls. I’d probably listen to this
if I needed to get into some chick’s pants, but every girl I meet hates
any kind of metal let alone me, so… 2

CadenZ: There’s not much you can do to avoid
sucking if you play a mix of In Flames and Irish folk music. Eluveitie
try their best, and if it weren’t for the horrible fucken flutes they
could almost succeed. I guess that would take away their selling point
though, so I won’t hold my breath for this line-up change any time soon.
4

Obligatorisk Tortyr (guest): Jan Johansson and
Kebnekajse are two examples of musicians that managed to take
traditional folk music and make something new and

worthwhile out of it. Let’s just say that these dudes and dudettes do not, and leave it at that. 2

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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