Audio Autopsy – March 2012

Audio Autopsy – March 2012

01/03/12  ||  Global Domination

Coldworker: The doomsayer's call Coldworker: The doomsayer’s call


Lord K: Coldworker’s real solid, but what they are
missing are some seriously awesome songs. Still, competent as fuck even
though Anders’ grind BPM is nothing close to the rest of the song in question’s (every song, that is) actual BPM. 8

Habakuk: Solid, BUT: this is their third album that has me waiting for just that little touch of greatness. No dice. Again. Gah! 6

CadenZ: Meat. Blast. Grunt. Sweat. Blood. Punk. Death. Nice. 8

Smalley: A cold worker is an unhappy worker, just like I am whenever I have to listen to Coldworker’s lifeless DM. 4

BamaHammer: This is a totally underrated band and
this month’s clear-cut winner in my book. They’ve gotten the GD love
treatment in the past, and it’s easy to see why when they consistently
release quality stuff like this. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: These guys have a Misery Index
meets Grave kind of vibe, and that tickles my boner in all the right
places. Definitely the best offering this month. 8

Swallow The Sun: Emerald forest and the blackbird Swallow The Sun: Emerald forest and the blackbird


Lord K: Swallow my doomy, depressive and well-executed load. ZING! 6

Habakuk: Depressive death/doom, alright! According
to Metal Archives, their ex-drummer “quit in May 2009 due to lack of
motivation”. These guys mean it! 7

CadenZ: Seems like this one needs a bit more time
to sink in wholly. StS have moved forward from the death/doom of their
first records, and are nowadays much more diverse. If you can go from
bleak poppy parts to atmospheric black metal via savage growls over a
doom riff, without it sounding stupid, you’re doing things right. I
predict a grower. 8

Smalley: Pretty, doomy, gothy stuff here, with some
unexpectedly harsh touches for those who need that sort of thing.
Review in progress. 8

BamaHammer: If you’re going to sneak some doom into my diet, you better hide the flavor with death. Not too bad, Finland. Not too bad. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Yes, Opeth has given up prog
rock and return to making meta…..oh wait this is Swallow the Sun. Plus
points for sounding like a band I used to love, but minus points for
being a blatant rip off. 5

Aborted: Global flatline Aborted: Global flatline


Lord K: “Nailed through her cunt” is a beautiful
song title. Aborted’s music is pretty fucken far from beautiful though.
Just as they intended it to be. Good fucken death metal with a
semi-annoying growl. 7

Habakuk: 50 minutes of good death metal that I have completely forgotten after a two minute pause. 7

CadenZ: Enjoyable brutality with some flair in the
melody department. I’ve been a bit disappointed with the latest Aborted
offerings, but this is certainly a step in the right direction. 7

Smalley: Energetic but generic, mostly hook-free
death metal with sub-par vocals, whether it be the more guttural or
higher-pitched styles; consider my interest level flatlining. Insert
quote about sound and fury signifying nothing. 4

BamaHammer: And that, ladies and germs, is how you do that. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Nothing new or exciting here
from Belgium’s finest death/grind export. If you like their other 1,000
albums, you will like this. “Our father, who art of feces” is a pretty
awesome track name, and a pretty decent song to boot. 6

Lamb Of God: Resolution Lamb Of God: Resolution


Lord K: The versions I have heard of this album
(streams/promos/Spotify) all have sounded fucken awful. I am wondering
if this album really sounds this extremely shitty or if someone is
playing tricks on me. What I do know is that “Sacrament” was obviously a
lucky shot. Still, they hold my fave duo in metal on those guitars.
Maybe. 5

Habakuk: Yeah, cool. I can’t pinpoint anything
wrong with this, even the vocals I got used to, and there are a few
standout tracks. Still, these guys just fall short of awesomeness
somehow. 7

CadenZ: Predictable groove thrash with the rare
dynamic shift to calmer waters. Many compare LoG to Pantera, but I can’t
understand why. They’re not as heavy, they don’t have the grit, they
don’t have the catchiness, they don’t have Dime’s solos, they don’t have
Phil’s vox… they’re just a dull band doing dull stuff. Over-rated as
fuck. 5

Smalley: Not a game-changer for LoG’s style, but
one in terms of making their sound actually entertaining this time
around. So yeah, pretty solid neo-groove metal here. Review. 8

BamaHammer: I liked Lamb of God for about 45 minutes one year. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: These guys are much hated, but
that comes with success. I have always been a fan, and “Resolution”
will keep me in the fold. There are some quality moments on heaviness on
here, but I have accepted the fact that they guys will never return to
the form of “New American Gospel”. Still, groove/thrash for better or
worse is a style I enjoy, and these Virginians do it well. The
production is a bit off though, why can’t they just save the setting
from “Ashes of the Wake”? 7

Abigail Williams: Becoming Abigail Williams: Becoming


Lord K: The shit I have heard from Abigail Williams
in the past was a hella lot better than this. Or at least that’s how I
want to remember them. Decent black metal with no real edge. 4

Habakuk: Huh? This is not an “Iwrestledasuicidalpromqueenonce” band? Bad name choice. And decent atmospheric black metal. 6

CadenZ: Atmospheric mid-tempo black metal. I am in
love. Why haven’t I heard this band before? Oh, they changed styles.
Maybe I don’t wanna know what came before I came. 8

Smalley: Good, harshly-pretty atmosphere here, like
getting caught in a blinding, freak blizzard, but I do dislike how
muddled the vocals were. Still worth tolerating for the thick sense of
atmosphere, though. 7

BamaHammer: With such a dumb moniker, I wasn’t expecting such good material. Just imagine if their band was called Christina Scabbia. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: BBBBBOOOOOORRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGGG! This sounds like black deathcore…which sucks. 3

Eluveitie: Helvetios Eluveitie: Helvetios


Lord K: Everyone and their fag friend is raving
about these fucken idiots. What’s even more sad is that I can’t help
myself but like this travesty of a band just a little. 6

Habakuk: What is AA doing to me? I’m enjoying this,
a lot! Is it the lack of competition? The insane catchiness? The…
balls? Hell knows I’m not a folk metal fan, but this is fucken great.
Ouch. 8

CadenZ: Hurdy gurdy itchy bitchy eeny weeny string bikini fuck off. 3

Smalley: They do overdose on the medieval festival
cheese, but I still can’t deny that some of the flute-wanking here is
pretty energetic and catchy, despite my inner tr00 metalhead bugging me.
Still, the awkward harsh vocals from the male vocalist, and other
missteps, bring it down to the score you see. 5

BamaHammer: First of all, I’m not entirely sure how
to pronounce their name. And B., I can’t spell it without looking.
Fourth, this music is annoying. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: Folks metal blows for the most
part, and those jokers are no exception. I just can’t accept hurdy
gurdies in my metal. And the vocals suck too. Sorry, I’m stuck in my
ways and no amount of satyr pussy or troll dick is going to change that.

Bleeding Through: The great fire Bleeding Through: The great fire


Lord K: Welcome Annoying Kicks of the world.
Bleeding Through is another one of those bands who try really hard to
come across as brutal, but just don’t cut it. The keyboards aren’t
exactly helping matters either. Very American. Very boring. 4

Habakuk: Very effective songwriting, terrible genre. 6

CadenZ: Symphonic deathcore. What will they think
of next? Beached whale dick pumps for exhibitionists into bestiality?
Invisible corpse paint for shy black metallers? Dr. Pepper? Yeah, it’s that moronic and devoid of existential justification. 3

Smalley: Loud, angry musical fart. 4

BamaHammer: NPOAM. Not entirely terrible for metalcore, but you’re not gonna catch me listening to it. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: There are some pretty cool
moments on “The Great Fire”, but nothing that puts this record anywhere
above the 5,000,000 other thrashy, melodic death metal bands out there
in the world today. 5

Lacuna Coil: Dark adrenaline Lacuna Coil: Dark adrenaline


Lord K: The fact they still stubbornly use that
male fucko on vocals instead of going solely with The Scabby One is a
mystery. Lacuna Coil sometimes fire up some excellent things, but most
of the time they ride under the radar with me. 7

Habakuk: A typical Nuclear Blast band: streamlined, modern, sleek, marketed towards Germany and Scandinavia, boring. 3

CadenZ: Meh. Pop metal meets goth rock. Although some drive and energy is present, it’s just too bland for me. 4

Smalley: I do like some of Scabbia’s singing, but
again, the male vocals kinda stink here, plus this is Lord K-approved,
girly pop-metal, so yeah… you do the math. 5

BamaHammer: Yadda yadda yadda Christina Scabbia yadda yadda yadda. Obviously it’s more fun to look at this band than listen to them. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Who let these mutts back in the house? Boring songs with derivative clean female vocals can go fuck themselves. Yuck. 2

Primal Fear: Unbreakable Primal Fear: Unbreakable


Lord K: I hate the chick singing. And I hate her tits too. 3

Habakuk: Pour in half a shot of “Painkiller”, 2 shots of Gamma Ray and fill up the glass with water. Can’t have enough water! 4

CadenZ: Heavy metal with absolutely nothing new to
offer, although there’s nothing wrong with the album per se. “Perse” is
Finnish for “ass”, by the way. Linguistic educator log out. 5

Smalley: Kind of fun, guilty pleasure, throwback metal here with some hook-y guitar work. If only I liked the singer more… 6

BamaHammer: “Painkiller” was an awesome album. These guys had nothing to do with it, but they definitely love it. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: I made it through half of one
song before turning this shit off. Fuck the clean vocals and
trying-to-be epic song structures. They are shit. 2

Biohazard: Reborn in defiance Biohazard: Reborn in defiance


Lord K: I am still waiting for that one good song from Biohazard. Its not on this album. Either. 3

Habakuk: NYHC is the dough, Biohazard is the rolling pin. 5

CadenZ: Boring HC metal is boring. Never been a fan, not gonna start now. 4

Smalley: Shitty as they ever were. Why is there a market for this kind of metal? 4

BamaHammer: For some reason, I was thinking these guys had either disbanded or died in a bus crash. I hate being wrong. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: I didn’t think I would like
Biohazard without longtime frontman/found Evan Seinfeld. Surprisingly, I
was wrong. However, if you have never like Biohazard and their version
of NYC thrashcore, you will certainly not be converted by this. 5

Avatar: Black waltz Avatar: Black waltz


Lord K: The clown thing is not only completely ridiculous, it also goes pretty much hand in hand with this whole package. 4

Habakuk: Surprisingly listenable modern stuff with
hints of Devildriver, and with a clown on the cover. Saw them live once,
by the way. They sucked. 5

CadenZ: No, I’m not dancing with you. Waltz away, boring stompy fucker. 3

Smalley: That hideous artwork made me instantly
think “Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me”? Anyway, I’m thinking fans of
shitty, brain-dead shock/industrial metal, or of the crappy half of
“Illud divinum insanus”, might enjoy this one… ‘nuff said. 3

BamaHammer: This album isn’t really that bad if you’re a professional wrestler looking for some ring-entrance music. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: There are some hints of
“Swansong” era Carcass on here, which I like. There are also shitty
vocals and cheesy moments which I don’t. The good is not nearly enough
to outweigh the bad. 4


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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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