GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – March 2011

Audio Autopsy – March 2011

01/03/11  ||  Global Domination

Ulcerate: The destroyers of all Ulcerate: The destroyers of all

7.4/10

Lord K: Technical idiot death metal on all
accounts. This music craves a lot from you as a listener, and I’m not
sure I have the strength to give them the time they need (and perhaps
deserve). But it sure is impressive (and computerized). 6

InquisitorGeneralis: There are some legitimate
reasons for the amount of praise this band gets ‘round these parts. This
is definitely some interesting techdeath with some doom and progressive
elements. Confessor comes to mind. This is some killer shit. 8

Habakuk: Immolate, congregate, Ulcerate! Dark,
menacing and hard-to-digest death metal that completely goes against all
my AA listening habits. You really have to devote some time for this to
take full effect. 8

CadenZ: Now we’re talking. What a beast of a
record. Chaotic and cataclysmic, bleak and beautiful, brutal and bold.
If you take all the best ingredients of depressive and introvert
post-metal and cast ‘em in a death metal mold, you get “The Destroyers
of All”. An early candidate for album of the year. 9

Altmer: Is this technical death metal? If so, I
don’t know what to make of it. It’s not bad, but I can’t see this record
taking over my CD player. This music is just too there. Not
bad, not excellent, just on the passable side of in between. That’s a
horrible place to be stuck in: good enough to avoid the noose, but not
good enough to be loved. By me, that is. Which is all that counts. 6

Bullet: Highway pirates Bullet: Highway pirates

6.6/10

Lord K: I think it’s safe to say that never was
there a band who so successfully managed to rip off AC/DC and Accept and
get away with it. Bullet are Swedes and once again prove that we not
only rule the more brutal part of the metal scene, but also the hardrock
one. And yes, I know these guys quite a bit and what they present on
“Highway pirates” (and the older albums) is straight-from-the-heart
music. No gimmick to be found here. You gotta applaud that. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: What is up with all of this
Swedish post-hair metal bullshit? There is nothing here that was not
done a fuck of a lot better on “Out of the Cellar” and “Appetite for
Destruction”. 3

Habakuk: For some reason, hysterical screaming
works pretty well with AC/DC imitation. Airbourne have a new contender
for the clone-throne. “Iiyyahhaaaaarr!” 8

CadenZ: Metal? Metal. Rock? Rock. Party? Party. Booze? Booze. Good? Good. 8

Altmer: AC/DC light with better songs and a
shittier singer. They do not know what variation is in any way. It’s the
same decent song sung 11 times over. I suppose if you like this style,
that’s good. It’s not entirely my thing, but I can live with it. Quite a
bit even. 7

Sodom: In war and pieces Sodom: In war and pieces

6.2/10

Lord K: “Knarrenheinz” is a fantastic title. I
imagine it being something flowing out of your arsehole on a hungover
Sunday. Sodom’s not released anything awesome except for “Agent Orange” a
few hundred years ago, but “In war and feces” sounds more vital than
you’d ever think considering these guys are like 400 years old. If this
was an album released by a completely unknown band, we would all label
it some complete shit. But now when it’s Sodom and we know they are
older than semen, we are a bit impressed. I say “we” but I mean “you”. I
am never impressed. By anything. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Less weak thrashing and more
heavy grooves make this an enjoyable surprise. This record has
rekindled my interesting in Sodom, and being sodomized in general. 7

Habakuk: I am highly impressed. With a decidedly
heavy take on thrash and lots of awesome guitar hooks, these old fucks
show they still have it. Sodom probably are the only German old school
thrash band still deserving to be heard. 8

CadenZ: So, Sodom is back with a new album. What do
you think it could possibly sound like? Yes. You are completely right.
Trip hop with some shoegaze thrown in. All sung with a strong Jamaican
accent. Guest appearance by P. Diddy. No, I’m not shittin’ ya. 5

Altmer: Like Legion of the Damned, this older
German thrash band is one of those that has always been of the B-grade.
This album continues that tradition: it’s not bad whatsoever, but it
doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside while listening to it, just
like their previous work doesn’t interest me. They’re at least slightly
more original and well-produced than Legion of the Damned though, which
means their grade is higher accordingly. 6

Belphegor: Blood magick necromance Belphegor: Blood magick necromance

6/10

Lord K: Obviously a quality act, Belphegor still
won’t succeed in getting my full attention. Some of the stuff on here is
incredibly weak and redundant while some is downright killer. Dark
Funeral are masters at creating melodic black metal with a wicked aura
surrounding it. At times Belphegor try to do the same, but fail in the
process. I don’t know if it’s the fact that they incorporate thrashier
riffs into the mix at times, but the atmosphere as a whole suffers from
it and prevents this album to become anything more than your regular
disc of death’n‘black. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Nothing about Belphegor’s mix
of black metal has ever had an impact on me, except for a few killer
album covers. This is well-done but unexciting stuff. Behemoth has
mastered this chamber of Shaolin. 4

Habakuk: I’ve known about this band forever, but
never actually heard anything. Actually their black/death isn’t bad in
the slightest, but still some other bands do it better and without any
cheesy German sadomasochism lyrics. 7

CadenZ: Although not a big fan of this band’s
previous efforts, I can’t deny the quality of this relentless slab of
blackened death. Refreshingly to-the-point and brutal. 7

Altmer: Behemoth lite, really. Some technical
groovy sections mixed with a lot of melodic black metal and a fuckload
of blast beats comprise this well above average disc. It’s not the most
original band I’ve ever heard, but for what it is, it’s pretty good.
Behemoth are better, though. 7

Legion Of The Damned: Descent into chaos Legion Of The Damned: Descent into chaos

4.8/10

Lord K: A complete quality effort on all accounts,
but also as anonymous as you can imagine. Thrashy year 2000 metal that
sounds every bit as soulless as expected with the irritating tom sound
to accompany it. I need to play me some good old Kreator. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Legion of the Decent Blackened
Thrashy Metal. There is nothing new or original here, but this stands
way above most of the shit this month. 6

Habakuk: The worst thing you can do to thrash is to
make it formulaic and lifeless. Legion of the Same have spent their
career aligning decent shredding in one long row. What does that tell us
about them? 5

CadenZ: Dull, duller, Legion of the Damned. The
same recycled riffs are rotated once fucken more and the Circle of Shit
is complete. If you have no intention of making anything not done by
someone else already – please go and fuck yerselves. With a hamster. 3

Altmer: B-grade thrash. These guys sure don’t want the originality award. Stealing Slayer riffs is so fun! 5

Magnum: The visitation Magnum: The visitation

4.6/10

Lord K: Magnum?! MAGNUM?!
Someone must have been on serious amounts of crack to include fucken
Magnum in Audio Autopsy, and get away with it (hey, don’t look at me –
I’m still just running this shit). And the saddest part of it all is
that it’s not as fucken horrible as one would think. Well, I am not
sending fan mail to these fuckos anytime soon, but hey – it works for
what it is. They should have named the album “The visitation… OF MY ANUS!”. Just becoz it’s a great title. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: The only magnum is need is the
rubber one that covers my moderately-sized cock in order to prevent me
from having any more fucking kids. This sounds like Rainbow if Rainbow
totally sucked. What’s with all of the shit rock this month? 2

Habakuk: Surprise of the month, but more than half
of this soft cake rock is actually good, despite (or because of?) giving
me a bit of a rockish Queen vibe. Except for some homo-erotic moments,
the rest is listenable as well, so I’ll have to hand out a bedazzled: 7.

CadenZ: A cheese with too many holes in it. Still, it’s cheese. Cheese is goooood. Yummy-yummy-yum-yum. 5

Altmer: Could have been worse. It’s a bit meek, but
then again I expected hard rock cheese. There’s some of that, there’s
some more proggy moments and the singer is very good. Didn’t he guest on
an Ayreon album once? If so this album gets a bonus point. It’s at the
very least, a lot better than I thought it was going to be. And that can
only be a good thing. 6

Battlelore: Doombound Battlelore: Doombound

4.6/10

Lord K: These guys’ last album completely surprised
me. Why? I expected total bullshit fantasy metal with zero substance.
While these idiots still look like something taken out of a B-movie,
their music more than makes up for it and has me forgetting about their
silly looks and eventual concept. Orchestrated cheese metal with a
decent, non-aggressive female voice on top of it (together with some
decent manlier grunts) makes for quite an interesting listen. I just
wish some of the hideous power metal vibes weren’t as evident and that
they actually shat out some more brutal moments every now and then.
Still, Battlelore is a hella lot better than anyone would think by just
looking at them. Appearance can be deceiving. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Good guitars cannot make up
for cheesy clean vocals and increasingly derivative broadside-bromance
lyrical content. This is what Amon Amarth would sound like if they were
gay. 4

Habakuk: The chick can sing, the rest can copy Ensiferum’s soft moments wearing fake elf ears. Pass. 5

CadenZ: Synth-heavy fantasy metal with vocals
courtesy of 1. a girl who sings through her nose and 2. a guy with an
Olympic gold medal in hoarseness, unstable intonation and general
suckage. Some cool riffs save Battlesnore from demise. 3

Altmer: Weak ass male vocals combined with tittays.
I think I know where this one is from: Finland. I think this type of
metal is supposed to be happier actually, though, isn’t it? It doesn’t
sound like unicorns dancing, unless it’s their last waltz? Well, elven
tears be cried, this reminds me of a shittier, overproduced version of
Summoning. There are good parts here and there, and some of the things
give us that epic vibe, but a lot of it just doesn’t work. If you enjoy
this type of stuff, reach for Turisas instead. 4

Deadlock: Bizarro world Deadlock: Bizarro world

4.2/10

Lord K: Deadlock’s one of the better bands I have
heard over the last years. Modern Pro-Tools metal executed with surgical
precision and excellent musicianship, finally topped off with the
amazing vocals by Sabine – the pride and joy of the band. Yes, they have
a male growler too but we’ll try to look past that the best we can.
These guys deserve so much more attention since they are a fresh breeze
of air in the asshole stench that is the metal scene of today. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: Wow, who knew overproduced female-fronted metalcore could suck so bad? Oh, wait… I did. 2

Habakuk: A great and unique female singer alone a great and unique band does not make. Try songwriting. 6

CadenZ: Technical melodeath turns into polished emo pop? What the fuck is this?! It’s fucken Bizarro, that’s what it is. 2

Altmer: This resembles Paramore with guitar
distortion and absolutely shitty metalcore vocals/influence. K likes the
chick’s voice, no doubt, but this is some first class “fuck you”
material. This band can’t be saved by tits alone. And trust me, many
things can. 3

Full Blown Chaos: Full blown chaos Full Blown Chaos: Full blown chaos

3.8/10

Lord K: Tough-guy metal incoming! I never heard
these guys before but they are better than one would give them credit
for considering the well-placed “tough-guy metal” tag. We all know that
this type of music (originated in the US of Asshole) is usually a pain
in the cunt to listen to. Weak riffs, screamy vocals, breakdowns and
boredom is the norm. Full Blown Penis is not too different from the
formula, but they have a few things going for them, even if they are not
too many. Minus points for naming a track “Doomageddon”. The album
cover is real nice though. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Pantera called, they want to kick your ass for being posers. Yuck. 3

Habakuk: Why is this album so goddamn long? I really do have a soft spot for NYHC, but Mr. Mediocre over my shoulder tells me I’m pushing it here with my chu-chu-chug- 6

CadenZ: Yo dawg I herd you like breakdowns so we put a breakdown in yo breakdown so you can breakdown while u break down 3

Altmer: Full Blown Suckage. If little brother
thrash/groove with bad vocals interests you, indulge. If not, stay far
away. Far fucken away since this is an atrocity. 3

Sparzanza: Folie á cinq Sparzanza: Folie á cinq

3.6/10

Lord K: WTF? This is not
black metal! It’s not the first time I mix these guys up with
Spazmosity, I reckon. Sparzanza (is a shit name) aim for the charts but
I’m not sure they’ll ever get there. Perhaps they can get some airplay
on Swedish Bandit Radio, and that’s that. They do their stuff well but
it’s ultimately quite tiring radio rock. Closer “The reckoning”‘s got a
nice opening riff that could have been on a Bolt Thrower album though.
That’s the best ting about this whole disc. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: More boring hard rock from the
land that is supposed to be grim and evil. Sweden, take care of this
bullshit please. With a shotgun. 3

Habakuk: Chick rock without the chick. Redundanza! 4

CadenZ: Here
ya go. For you fucks who are too lazy to click, I’ll just sum the
review up in the greatest of words found therein: penises. That’s right.
Penises. 3

Altmer: “I don’t quite understand what’s wrong”.
You playing this subpar of Stone Sour alt metal is what’s wrong, you
boring set of grunge riff nickers. Fuck you. Or, if we want to use the
stupid title’s lingo: “Je m’en bats les couilles”. How’s that for knowing one’s languages? 4

Sirenia: The enigma of life Sirenia: The enigma of life

3.2/10

Lord K: Sirenia play Toys’R‘Us metal with tons of
silly orchestrations and some ok vocals by the random cunt. This is
seriously some really, really weak attempt at creating music perfected
by bands like Within Temptation and whatnot. I have the following to say as a conclusion, taken from the hero known as Georges St. Pierre. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: More orchestral vagina metal that needs to go right into the fire. Or be soaked up with a tampon. 2

Habakuk: So for every good band in AA, we need one
chick metal band or what? If I were fat, fourteen and female I’d like
this and dress like a sausage in gothic dresses. 4

CadenZ: If I had the choice to either A) never
listen to this feces-fest again or B) endure through it one more time,
but get rewarded by receiving a blowjob from Angelina Jolie, I’d be hard
put to make the right choice. Actually, I’d just be hard. And that’d
give me my choice. And it would be the right one. And here’s the fucken
score. 2

Altmer: This is better than Deadlock, Theatre des
Vampires and Battlelore in this month’s “tit goth metal” competition. If
these guys and girls want an award for that, they can come get it. They
still suck, by the way. 4

Theatres Des Vampires: Moonlight waltz Theatres Des Vampires: Moonlight waltz

3/10

Lord K: Come on everyone – GET THE DILDOS!!!
We are in for some seriously homosexual music with this one. But if
this band is gay in a George Michael kind of way, Stratovarius
(somewhere on this list) is a legion of full blown fudge packers,
meaning TVD passes for being a hella lot more bearable. Despite the absolute gayness. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: No. Fucken. Way. Get this violin power proggo puke out of my Audio Autopsy! 2

Habakuk: Yeah, I was getting fed up with all these positive surprises anyway. 2

CadenZ: That’s it, I’ve had it with these fucken
vampires. Vampires, vampires, vampires fucken everywhere; vampire movies
(that suck), vampire TV series (that suck) and now, apparently, vampire
bands as well. That fucken suck. It’s noteworthy that neither of these
vampenises suck the good way (blood). They suck the bad way (fermented
goat rectums). If you guessed that TdV hail from Italy and play gothic
metal with synths and chick vox, you’d not be off the mark. You’d be
fucking the mark in its stinky fucken ass. The best thing about this
record is Snowy Shaw’s guest input, but alas – 20 seconds does not a
good album make. 3

Altmer: Non merci. I prefer actual music over this
tit-goth-pretense shitfest. Who the fuck actually buys this record? It’s
bad enough someone wanted to record it. 3

Stratovarius: Elysium Stratovarius: Elysium

2.2/10

Lord K: Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: Please, please stop making new albums. I hate this type of power/symphonic bullshit with all of my heart. 2

Habakuk: If you thought gay power metal was just a cliché, listen to this. Fuck! 1

CadenZ: What surprises me the most is that still,
after soon-to-be two decades fronting a band with lyrics exclusively
written in English, Kotipelto’s pronunciation is still on par with a
Chilean mountain lion’s. What surprises me the least is that
Strap-on-varius still suck. 2

Altmer: What the fuck is up with the singer? Did he
sustain some very impressive cold? Fuck you. Nice Dream Theater ripping
in the first song, too. Pity this is Stratovarius, so they can’t do it
properly. And they are actually better now that the Fat One doesn’t walk
among them. Still, this album leaves me with a feeling of “Are you
Tolkki to me?????” The answer is “I fucking hope not”. 4

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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