GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – March 2007

Audio Autopsy – March 2007

01/03/07  ||  Global Domination

Naglfar: Harvest Naglfar: Harvest

7.3 /10

Lord K: Facts: One of the
strongest forces within the black/death metal scene. A better production
than last time but not as awesome material. It’s still kicking most
bands asses in this genre though. The guitar harmonies are the strongest
parts of Naglfar. Solution: Stay the same, it’s fucken great as it is. 8

Ripper Bendix: Naglfar just broke into your house,
emptied your fridge, raped your dog and pissed in your face. This band
fucken delivers and since I saw them together with Dark Funeral last
year I consider myself a fucken fan. Naglfan. Okay… that doesn’t sound
too nice if you know what “fan” means in Swedish I guess. 9

The Abyss: The best in melodic black/death, Naglfar
once again impresses me with their good judgement when it comes to
songwriting, playing and performing. The production has improved from
“Pariah” so if you’re fan of that one or “Sheol” you’re sure to dig
“Harvest”. It’s cool that they seem to have found the volume knob for
the bass as well. “Mirrors of my soul” = song of the month for this AA?
You fucking bet! 9

Desert Eagle: I don’t know what this says about the
band, but I would rather listen to Sarah Mclachlan than this. I suppose
this is one of those bands where you don’t really need to read a review
since you already know if you like them or not. So why are you still
reading this, you idiot? 6

Farlus: I can appreciate the album, but it’s not my
cup of black metal tea. Hmm, black metal tea…drained from the tea
leaves of the northernmost grim frostbitten forest. Sweetened by sugar
cubes harnessed from the most rotten, raw sugar cane in the fields of
infinite sorrow. Harken thee, my lord of teas. 5

Fishermane: Naglfar are one of those black metal
bands that are very well-respected and I have no problem understanding
why. Unfortunately, there’s something preventing me from enjoying this
in its entirety. It’s probably because I have no fucking clue how to
pronounce their name properly. Regardless, my lack of articulatory
phonetics should not discourage you from indulging in this compelling
recording. 7

Novembers Doom: The novella reservoir Novembers Doom: The novella reservoir

7/10

Lord K: Facts: These guys would
like to have a close up shot of Opeth’s penises. They would also like to
touch them. Without gloves. And then they would like to become Opeth’s
bitches. There are worse bands to steal from and Novembers Doom do their
thing quite well. The quite too-high-in-the-mix vocals are a bit
annoying after a while though. Solution: A few listening sessions to other bands but Opeth. 6

Ripper Bendix: It took me while to get into this,
but after I did, it rocked. I prefer November’s Doom over many other
institutionalized bands because they don’t fucken bore me despite being
doom. Hey, a man’s gotta be grateful for what he gets nowadays, right? 8

The Abyss: Another name I’ve heard floating around
the metal-scene for many years but never really given much of a fuck
about. This is sort of like Opeth without the soft, proggy parts,
leaving only the growls and the mid-tempo deathy parts. But what would
Opeth be without those? That’s right, only half as good. 5

Desert Eagle: I have to say, as far as doom metal is concerned, USA
has this shit locked down. The crown used to go to Sweden, and whoever
else in Europe, but ever since hearing from ND and Daylight Dies, I have
to say that USA has you fuckers beat. It’s about damn time we had something aside from nu-metal. Now it’s only a matter of which USA band is better. This is certainly a very strong effort from November’s Doom. 9

Farlus: I slightly recall hearing this band a few
years ago. I think forum-goer Legion (or someone equally as gay)
recommended them to me. They play some pretty damn good progressive
death metal a la Opeth. This is the best prog death metal album
recorded, and I base that on absolutely nothing, nor am I really sure
how much truth there is to that. Sounds good, though. 7

Fishermane: This came as quite a surprise. Heavy
yet majestic, imposing yet not intrusive, melodious yet rugged,
exhilarating yet soothing and extremely delightful. Comparisons to Opeth
are inevitable, but Novembers Doom can unquestionably hold their own.
Did I just fucking say “delightful” 2 sentences back? Somebody just
shoot me, please… 7

Demiurg: Breath of the demiurg Demiurg: Breath of the demiurg

7/10

Lord K: Facts: Programmed drums, some misplaced electronics, great vocals by Paganizer-Rogga (when will he get a good
band to sing with?) and on top of it all: Dan Swanö is involved doing
something in this death metal project. None of those ingredients help
the actual outcome to reach any higher heights, I’m sad to say. The
tunes are unfortunately quite poor and some of the riffing is downright
ass. Nice guitar tone though. But I expected a hella lot more from this.
Solution: Trade half of the guitar tone for good material. 5

Ripper Bendix: There’s a Swanö involved so I won’t
be so crazy as to rip on this fucken band even though they don’t
exactly blow me out of the water. Sweet shit, dudes. Thumbs up + stupid grin. 8

The Abyss: A marriage between Hades and Hell (i.e.
Dan Swanö & Rogga Johansson. Wait, does that mean it’s incest, two
aspects of the same place marrying? And does that mean that I’m implying
that Dan and Rogga are gay brothers? Maybe.) that roams the same
charred battlefields and catacombs as Bolt Thrower and Grave. Heavy,
groovy, and varied with slick production and AUDIBLE bass. Fucken A. 8

Desert Eagle: So, apparently Demiurg is a popular
name in the black/death metal community, so I have no idea which fucken
one these guys are. What country are you from!? It certainly isn’t
America since it doesn’t suck. 7

Farlus: What else would you expect from Rogga and
Swanö besides a fantastic effort? The reverb on the vocals grates on my
nerves a bit, but the music is top notch. No smart ass comments for this
album, just a great score. 8

Fishermane: 2 hours of research on these guys and this is all I can come up with?

In the tabletop miniature wargame Battlefleet Gothic, the
Demiurg are a race of squat semi-humanoids, who share many traits with
the typical fantasy dwarf stereotype: they are avid miners, expert
traders, and, in some ways, further technologically advanced than
humans. They also bear a particular hatred for goblinoids.

Expert miners? Hatred for goblinoids, WTF? Anyhow, the music is
pretty straight though, and that’s what’s important. Right? Right. 6

Deathbound: We deserve much worse Deathbound: We deserve much worse

6.8 /10

Lord K: Facts: Deathbound just
fucken crashed thru my stereo and pissed on my floor. They don’t give a
fuck, Deathbound are just interested in pounding their way thru my flat,
blast and grind while here, and leave a huge fucken mess behind. I
don’t mind for shit as long as they deliver music by this standard. Solution: A huge fucken round of applause. And another invitation. 8

Ripper Bendix: I think a fucken tank just rolled over me. Fucken excellent. More of this? Pretty please with “cream” on top? 9

The Abyss: As vicious and unrelenting as ever,
Finnish Deathbound continues to grind on after having found the right
mix of grind, crust and death on “Doomsday comfort”. This is more of the
same, but I dig it. 6

Desert Eagle: These guys are doing their best Nasum
impersonation and for the most part it works. The only problem is that
the famed “t-shirt from hell” produced the album. Come on guys, just
because you’re grind doesn’t mean you have to sound like you’re in a tin
can. 7

Farlus: The first thing that popped into my head when I went to type this: “Oh sweet, the album’s over”. 2

Fishermane: These guys can definitely play. Their
shite hits pretty hard and will probably appeal to many. Unfortunately,
it comes off as a tad too one-dimensional for the Mane’s official seal
of approval. Still, it’s far from effeminate and thus deserves some
attention. 6

Aborted: Slaughter and apparatus Aborted: Slaughter and apparatus

6.3 /10

Lord K: Facts: Aborted doesn’t
suck. And they definitely don’t rule. They are quite happy with being
the middle-guy in the death metal threesome. I don’t know what that
means. The screamier vocals are a nice break from the decent growls, and
overall Aborted is another ok death metal band. Solution: Catchier songs and a furry kitten fetus. 6

Ripper Bendix: I was never a fan of that kind of
fucken death metal and it takes a whole fucken lot more to impress me
than Aborted are able to deliver. 5

The Abyss: A small step back and in Aborted’s case
that’s a good thing. I wasn’t too hot on the whiffs of metalcore on the
last album, so less of that and more deathgrind is a good thing in my
book. Still not as good as “Goremageddon” though. 6

Desert Eagle: More of the same is a good thing in
Aborted’s case. Some may not agree with the musical direction they’ve
taken as of late but shit, I’ve always hated so called “purists”
anyways. It still sounds fucking great, so fuck it. 8

Farlus: Banging on instruments incessantly,
shouting and making strange noises is only adequate for 4 AM on late
night drinking binges, not on albums. Luckily, Aborted realize this. It
seems like forever ago that we did “Goremageddon”, and I’m too lazy to
go find out if I liked it, but this album is pretty good. It was the
perfect backdrop to Wii golf. It should’ve been the theme music, even. 6

Fishermane: Copious amounts of brutality,
impressive vocal work and a constant but never overwhelming amount of
groove roughly encapsulates Aborted’s M.O. While not flawless,
“Slaughter and Apparatus” stands as one of the more solid releases this
month. Rock it. Just fucking rock it hard. 7

Fu Manchu: We must obey Fu Manchu: We must obey

5.3 /10

Lord K: Facts: I never cared for Fu Manchu. Solution: I’ll continue not caring, for obvious reasons if you ever heard them. Well done but definitely not my style. 4

Ripper Bendix: Stupid bandname, stupid music, stupid band. No thanks. 4

The Abyss: So far I’ve only been familiar with the
band name, not the actual music, but I dig this. It’s like a stonerband
with Henry Rollins on vocals (ok, maybe not as pitbullish, but the vibe
is there). Some sweet guitars and drumming, which is everything the
genre is about anyways. 6

Desert Eagle: Fu Penis clearly don’t listen to
themselves. But wait, maybe they do, but only when they’re really high.
All I can say is that when you’re really drunk, terrible vocals mixed
with shit sounding guitars and horrible wah-filled solos just doesn’t
cut it. 2

Farlus: I haven’t heard much Fu Manchu so I can’t
tell you how this compares to their other albums. This one rocks like
beer and bitches with no condoms involved. Check this out NOW. 9

Fishermane: The original Dr. Fu Manchu was a
bad-ass genius comic character created by some British author in the
early 20th century. The band Fu Manchu are from California and have been
in the game for roughly 20 years, releasing album after album of (I
quote) “totally deep-fried, fuzzed out, window breakin’, pot sellin’,
sleepin-in-the-van, skater metal”. Although they can’t compare to the
original bad-ass himself, these guys came rather correct with this
release. 7

Masterplan: MK II Masterplan: MK II

4.2 /10

Lord K: Facts: A fag doing vocals, backed up by cheese and pussy in a grand heavy metal mess. Solution: Death. 3

Ripper Bendix: 1: Pinch balls. 2: ??? 3: Profit! Doesn’t work. Not one fucken bit. 3

The Abyss: Heavy metal that may have lost their two
most famous members, but lost none of their talent. Replacing Uli Küsch
with Rage-drummer Mike Terrana is a safe bet, Terrana have not only the
chops but also the musicality to make Masterplan a force to reckon
with. If you like Nocturnal Rites, you’ll dig this. 5

Desert Eagle: Not again! Why must they always have
the outro’,s on the next track?! Fuck, is that infuriating! See, I like
to put my shit on shuffle and I have to tell you that hearing the end of
another song at the beginning of a song is confusing. Especially when
drunk. What’s going on right now?! Oh wait, I know, it’s motherfucking
epic and amazing power metal. This one’s for you Spudd. 8

Farlus: It’s never a good thing when I can’t think
of one positive thing to say about an album after hearing it twice. I
can’t think of anything to say period. 3

Fishermane: I got a master plan. Shoot these fucks,
cremate them and hide their ashes in the basement of the “Kevin
Costner’s School of Acting” where we can be sure they’ll never be
bothered again. 3

Chimaira: Resurrection Chimaira: Resurrection

4.2 /10

Lord K: Facts: Wow, here we go
again. Another vermin of The American Plague. You know what kind of
plague I’m talking about. The 3-Word Band Plague. Chimaira is way
different though. They only have one word in their moniker. But they
suck as much as their colleagues, make no mistake. Solution: Blümchen. She always gets you in a great mood after hearing Chimaira and their terrible likes. 3

Ripper Bendix: I fucken like that album. Slap my
ass and call me fag, but I really like this shit. Read my longer review
that’s going up sometime soon to read why I enjoy sucking this band’s
cock so much. 8

The Abyss: American metal that draws inspiration
from Pantera, Machine Head etc, so on and blah blah blah. Heard it
before? You bet! Any good? Not as bad as eating razorblades, but about
as enjoyable. 3

Desert Eagle: They claim to be influenced by old
Machine Head, In Flames, and other respectable acts, yet somehow they
still sound like shit. I still taste mallcore, give it up. 3

Farlus: I thought this band was long dead. I guess
that’s why they called the album “Resurrection”. The more fitting song
title of theirs to name this album after would be “Worthless”. They’ve
improved drastically as musicians since the first album, but the singer
still remains annoying. He has two tones: crappy and craptacular. On
occasion he ventures into “craptastic”, but only when he really tries.
Please die. Again. 4

Fishermane: Chimaira will obviously draw
comparisons to Machine Head, Mantera and other similar acts. I was
thinking Sinbad, Louie Anderson & Carrot-Top would be more
appropriate. 4

Onslaught: Killing peace Onslaught: Killing peace

4.2 /10

Lord K: Facts: “Legendary” (right…
taxi!) band Onslaught releases a new album. I’m not exactly doing funny
stuff with my penis over this fact. Thrash metal, dating back to the
early 90’s. A dose of Exodus here, a bit of Testament there, and in the
end a boring album is what we get. Solution: Agony’s “The first defiance”. 4

Ripper Bendix: Sure, I love fucken thrash. But’s
that’s no free-for-fucken-all because I don’t encourage blind
consumerism. Or seal clubbing. Well, okay. Actually seal-clubbing is a
lot of fun. Except when you’re a seal. 5

The Abyss: Onslaught, not to be confused with
Overkill, deliver thrash that is just as potent and forceful as anything
Exodus, Kreator and Slayer have ever done. That these chaps hail from
England and have been on a 10 year hiatus makes “Killing peace” just a
little bit more impressive. It’s nothing new under the sun, but it’s
good stuff. 6

Desert Eagle: Why is it that every month there is a
horrible band from the 80’s that feel the need to release a new album
even though they are way past their glory days? They play the same music
they used to and expect the same reaction. We’ve wised up Onslaught! We
know your music sucks now so please just stop! 2

Farlus: Yawn. Trash. The band should’ve stayed disbanded. 4

Fishermane: The good thing here is that Onslaught
is an extremely creative band on the verge of breaking through to the
masses thanks to the tremendous song-writing and abundant talent present
on “Killing Peace”. The bad thing is that, as you probably guessed,
virtually everything I just wrote is absolutely false. 4

Battlelore: Evernight Battlelore: Evernight

4/10

Lord K: Facts: BattleBORE (you
didn’t see that coming, now did you, cunt?) is a comedy most of the
times. Not some awesome Monthy Python comedy though, more like Conan
O’Brian “comedy”. The Gorefest-like growls don’t help, but the chick’s
voice is kinda nice to the ears. I have no idea what the fuck this band
wants to achieve with their metal, but their visual approach destroys
most of it. Solution: Less masks and and über-faggy costumes. More of the whore’s singing. More metal. Less bullshit. 5

Ripper Bendix: What the shit is Battlelore doing in
this AA? I thought we were a metal site? Okay, I should probably write a
bit more. Imagine a Swedish person, very hairy and about 2 meters tall.
Now that person is lubing up his penis with monkeygrease and slowly,
gently, carefully inserts it into your left nostril. All in all it is a
very nice move, lubing up and shit and being careful, but the bottomline
is: it’s fucken disgusting. 4

The Abyss: It seems that JRR
Tolkien is a infinite source of inspiration for metal bands, none more
obvious then Battlelore who have based their entire career, look and
music on the works of the old coot. This time around I’m afraid the
songwriting is at its lowest. “Sword’s song” had some bonafide hits like
“Sons of Riddermark” and “The Mark of the bear”, but I’m yet to find a
song that really grabs me on “Evernight”. The male growls sound ok, I
give ‘em that. 4

Desert Eagle: For the uninitiated, Battlelore play
power metal with death metal vocals. Yeah, right? Also they like to play
dress up and act like goblins and gnomes and, uh, gnarly dudes. Ehr …
yeah, so if that sounded at all appealing to you then you probably enjoy
eating dog food too. 4

Farlus: I dig the female/male dual vocal attack,
but it’s been done much better by so many other bands. This band has got
a good groove to them, but it gets old after a while. 3

Fishermane: Starting this month, I’m officially
disregarding any bands that have song titles containing the words “Wolf,
cloak, wishmaster, gauntlet, soulforge and/or ye ole valiant gnome”.
Nothing personal towards Battlelore. 4

The End: Elementary The End: Elementary

3.7 /10

Lord K: Facts: Too much, too bad,
too irritating, too pretentious, too boring. You will get details in the
full review that’s going up in a little while. Solution: Valium. And a bucket of piss thrown at them. 3

Ripper Bendix: The end… yeah. I sure fucken wish it WAS the mother fucking end. But NO, there’s still MORE shit to shovel through. NEXT! 4

The Abyss: Their website draws comparisons to DEP,
Mastodon and Neurosis (though I’d say they sound like a more cohesive
Mars Volta). Anyone surprised that they’re signed to Relapse? Some songs
are ok, a few of them are good, but too many of them don’t really make
any major impact. Feels like they’re trying to be “angular” and zany
just for the hell of it. 4

Desert Eagle: I really hate shit that builds for a
long time and then never goes anywhere. Like Ripper. He’s been working
on that house in Maui for like 10 fucking years and yet we still haven’t
had a proper honeymoon. What the fuck man?! I haven’t been saving my
flower for nothing! 5

Farlus: I’ll go with the obvious: Know what the
best part about this album was? You guessed it – The End. This music is
just plain bullshit. 2

Fishermane: The only positive thing I can say
regarding these guys is that they really put the “end” back in “friend”.
Haha, they love that one at the office. 4

The Berzerker: Animosity The Berzerker: Animosity

3.5 /10

Lord K: Facts: These guys fucken
absolutely and definitely suck. And suck again. And again. And again.
And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Solution: Plain death. Death by penis. 1

Ripper Bendix: Hey, I fucken loved the last album
and even made some assumptions that one certain individual who might
want to remain unnamed masturbates over this. Well… let’s say that we
all live and learn and that this time around the band fucken interrupted
ME while fervently masturbating. I fucken hate that. 2

The Abyss: I know K hates this band but I’ve heard a
lot worse to be honest (Delight, anyone?). The main problems with The
Berzerker are these… One: the masks they used live were imagewise the
most interesting thing about the band. Two: Every damn album sounds the
same. Well, it did at least. It seems like there’s more midtempo riffing
going on and less pointless speed orgies now, which in turn leaves room
for some cool riffs and beats here and there. I still won’t listen much
to this band, they just lack that certain “it”. 4

Desert Eagle: What frustrates me the most is that
this band is trying to sound like dogshit. Every album has the same
overcomplicated staticky and annoying shit production that they clearly
want, but for the worst reasons. Like the reason of standing out in the
crowd of horrible production. Who has the worst? Berzerker. It’s
painfully bad. 2

Farlus: For fuck’s sake, how many times is this
promo going to remind me that I’m listening to The Berzerker? Besides
that annoying shit, this album is awesome. The main reason I love The
Berzerker is just the ridiculous speed and brutality of it. Even playing
at a million miles an hour, they still have a bit of a groove to them.
Great album, if you already like the band. 7

Fishermane: I highly doubt everybody will agree
with me, but I do believe that Berzerker deserve some credit for having
an original approach to composing music. To sum it up, my love for this
album is like a truck. In other words, I would like to make some fuck. 5

Kittie: Funeral for yesterday Kittie: Funeral for yesterday

3.5 /10

Lord K: Facts: Nice, and at times irritating, vocals. ABC nu metal riffing. Ugly chicks. Solution: Aids. 4

Ripper Bendix: I wouldn’t give a fuck about this band if I were famished as fuck and them naked and covered in peanut butter. 4

The Abyss: Computer says no. It actually crashed when I first tried playing this. 1

Desert Eagle: I honestly and truly give these
bitches props for trying so hard and for so long. I still don’t think
they’ve ever actually heard real metal in their lives though, or a
singer that wasn’t tone-deaf. And don’t they know you’re not supposed to
hear bass? Is this garbage punk? No? Then turn that bass the fuck down,
bitties! 4

Farlus: This band’s musicianship has improved a
million percent since their first album. They write some pretty good
shit these days. But for fuck’s sake, the singer is fucking annoying to
the max. When she does her screams and growls she sounds pretty damn
good. Her fucking everlasting whine that persists throughout most of the
album makes me wanna tear my dick off. And trust me, I need that thing.
4

Fishermane: I am usually quite fond of the opposite
sex and according to my passport, I am Canadian, which puts me in an
awkward situation to judge this all-female Canadian band. Actually, it
doesn’t. I recommend this album to those of both sexes who enjoy making
love to men. 4

Delight: Breaking ground Delight: Breaking ground

3.3 /10

Lord K:Facts: They are Polish but
sound American. They are aiming for the radio audience. They heard
Evanescence and liked some of it. They also eat a lot of cheese, which
shows in some of the tunes. The chick’s got quite the voice, she’s no
Amy Lee though, and definitely improves the quality of this band. Solution: Some cock and balls to make shit a bit heavier. The catchiness is there already. 7

Ripper Bendix: Okay, what exactly is going on here?
A fucken Xerox parade or what? There are already too many carbon copies
around so bare with me that I don’t have the god damn patience for
another one! 3

The Abyss: I have no idea how K can like this. Weak
riffs, weak vocals (sounds like the chick from Lambretta on a bad day)
and if you’re gonna write poppy music, make sure that it’s actually
catchy for fucks sake! 2

Desert Eagle: Are you fucking serious? The chick
has a fupa. Not only that, but I can’t even tell how much I hate when
bands like this are called gothic metal. Just what exactly is metal
about this garbage? The fact that they have distorted guitars? Fuck
that, so did Aerosmith. Don’t taint metal with gothic rock shit. 2

Farlus: Wow. This band invented a new genre: dyke
metal. This is some feminist empowerment bullshit if I’ve ever seen it. I
can write better riffs with my penis, and it doesn’t even have six
strings. 1

Fishermane: On occasion, Delight seem to brush
close to what we could call an original and interesting sound.
Unfortunately, that’s about it. Groove is definitely not in the heart. I love that line. 5

Symphorce: Become death Symphorce: Become death

2.5 /10

Lord K: Facts: While throwing in
some neat electronics into their heavy metal mess, Symphorce suck in
most of the other areas. And it’s not like those electronics will change
that fact. I can’t deny the talent though. Solution: My middle finger. 3

Ripper Bendix: My gaydar is ticking like a sailor’s cock after three nights in a fucken Vietnamese brothel. 2

The Abyss: Some sort of heavy metal, badly done
with no soul, not that much talent and a huge amount of semen clogging
the vocal chords of the dude singing. Utterly forgettable. 2

Desert Eagle: This is one of those bands where I’m
ashamed to admit I liked some of their older shit. Well, like one song.
But even still, did I really like them? What the fuck is going on? This
isn’t emo, why would I like this? 3

Farlus: So with a name like Symphorce you’ve got
to be expecting extremely homoerotic power metal, right? Well, I was
wrong. Unfortunately, the band still sucks. You know how South Park
creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone sound when they do songs with their
band DVDA? That’s how this band’s singer sounds. Who can take a band
like that seriously? 2

Fishermane: I’m not too sure about Symphorce… Every
since I started playing this album rather loudly about an hour ago, my
gay neighbor has knocked on my door 3 times in a velvet housecoat asking
me for sugar (and I know that motherfucker works in a sugar factory…)
Odd. 3

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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