GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – March 2006

Audio Autopsy – March 2006

01/03/06  ||  Global Domination

Krisiun: AssassiNation Krisiun: AssassiNation

6.7 /10

Lord K: Krisiun are as metal as a fucken anvil stored inside a fucken 500 ton container. And then some. 8

Ripper Bendix: If Krisiun doesn’t move your ass you
are fucken DEAD, or retarded, or a Nightfish elf, or all at the same
time. Jesus fucken Christ buttsecks on a pogostick without vaseline.
Krisiun are a fucken FORCE in Death Metal and words like “massive” and
“crushing” come to mind, as well as “nailpolish” and “Godzilla”, but
that’s probably because of the drugs on my part. 9

The Abyss: Never cared much about Krisiun before,
but this is good enough to wake me from my lethargy. I don’t know if
it’s the songwriting that’s finally caught up with the boys
playing-skills or what, but this is definately something I’d pay for, if
I wasn’t broke as fuck and there were 20 better albums to buy first. 7

Desert Eagle: I gotta tell you I was deeply amused
when I searched an online dictionary for Krisiun that it couldn’t find
anything but it did make a few suggestions. One of the suggestions?
Christian. Hah! Suck on that! Oh yeah, this is death metal. AUUGH
BRUUAAAHH GUHHH. 5

Syrrok: Violent, bomb-everything metal. I’m diggin
it all to hell, the only criticism I have is that sometimes the songs
take a little too long to get into a groove. But even in those cases
all kinds of blasting is going on. Piss off your parrot with this disc.
6

Farlus: These guys’ production has come a long way
since “Black Force Domain”, but it still doesn’t help too much. Whenever
there are no vocals, things are awesome, but once the vox start up
everything sounds the same. Nothing groundbreaking here. 5

Torchbearer: Warnaments Torchbearer: Warnaments

6.2 /10

Lord K: Torchbearer are fine in every aspect except
for the fact that the material passes me by quite unnoticed. It’s
lacking that “extra” thing that would seperate them from the rest of the
quality-bands out there. Nonetheless, this is a damn neat release, I’ll
just not listen to it all that often. 7

Ripper Bendix: I can honestly say that
“Warnaments” rocked me from the first second on and has been in heavy
rotation from the very day I recieved it. Glorious stuff I want to be
buried with when I kick the fucken bucket. 9

The Abyss: Having worked out the kinks left from
their debut “Yersinia pestis”, Torchbearer returns with a very strong
sophomore album. Great hummable riffs that still retain enough weight to
knock you on your ass and excellent varied vocals, what more can you
ask from a melodic death/thrash band? 8

Desert Eagle: “This is pretty ok. Kind of like when
you take a shit and it come out piece by piece and you’re like, “Well
this is alright, wish it all came out at once though. Yeah, like that.
6”. Actually make it a 5 for having to do it again. 5

Syrrok: Overall some very javelin-throwing music.
At least that’s what I feel like doing when I hear this album, throwing a
spear very far. Perhaps that’s just me. 5

Farlus: This stuff is OK but I couldn’t really get into it. When the songs all blend together, that’s not a good sign. 3

Witchery: Don't fear the reaper Witchery: Don’t fear the reaper

6.2 /10

Lord K: Guitarist and mainman Jensen wrote and
recorded “Saltrubbed Eyes” by Seance back in 1994. That should render
him a 10 by default. I was never a fan of Witchery but it’s never too
late to reconsider shit. “Ashes” holds a fucken excellent intro and to
say that alot of the riffs sounds The Haunted is not an exaggeration. 7

Ripper Bendix: If there’s one thing I’d never ever
expect then it is a Witchery album that doesn’t totally blow me away.
Guess there’s a first time for everything. Witchery come across a little
harder to access and a whole deal slower than I had hoped this time.
Maybe it is the continuation of the path that started with “Symphony For
The Devil”, or maybe not. What I definitely know is that only three
songs on this album don’t make me wish for more. Too bad! I’m used to
better stuff from this band. 7

The Abyss: Seems like Witchery has been nicking
some heaviness from guitarist Jensen’s mainband The Haunted on this
album, no objections from me since the songwriting is at an all-time
high for Witchery and almost every song smokes, kills and cooks. It’s
not a classic by any means, but nothing to be ashamed of owning. 7

Desert Eagle: You can’t fucking tell me you’ve
never heard of BOC. COME ON YOU GUYS! Name stealing aside, this ain’t
half bad. Oh wait I forgot the solos are awful. WAAAHOOH WAH WAH WAH.
Lay off the god damned WAH! 5

Syrrok: You’re preachin’ to the choir, Witchery!
Why would anyone fear the reaper these days? If you have basic checkers
and Battleship-skills, you’re pretty much immortal. Which (WITCH!)
brings me to my point. Fuck this band in a few ways. 3

Farlus: I’d never heard of Witchery before now,
but goddamn these guys are good. I thought this month’s AA was going to
be a dud, but after hearing this band, Torture Killer, and The Ocean,
I’m pleased. Solid, solid stuff. 8

The Ocean: Aeolian The Ocean: Aeolian

5.8 /10

Lord K: Another nice suprise even though The Ocean
tend to become too much for me in the end. Millions of riffs and ideas
thrown into the mix, resulting in a quite a incoherrent experience. But
it definitely has its moments. 6

Ripper Bendix: The singer plain and simply gets on my nerves and the rest of the music isn’t really brightening my mood right now either. 5

The Abyss: This is like a soundtrack to
bad-shit-coming-your-way. Majestic, brutal, beautiful, grating and most
of all: great. Fans of Neurosis, Converge and Breach will love this. 8

Desert Eagle: Totally would have preferred lydian
but I guess that’s just me. This is weird as shit but fucken damn cool
though. I bet everyone else will hate it. 7

Syrrok: Slow and drudgey to just plain chaotically
stupid. This stuff will never break the mold. No one cares about song
writing anymore, only pointless aggression. In every case that turns out
to be as pointless as Axl’s latest facelift. 2

Farlus: While it can be formulaic at times, this
shit is really good. It reminds me alot of Mastodon. I imagine with a
few more listens I’d be much more fond of them. I originally was going
to hail them as the best of this month’s AA and a true gem, but then I
heard Torture Killer. 7

Torture Killer: Swarm Torture Killer: Swarm

5.3 /10

Lord K: Who knew Chris Barnes could actually sound
decent? These Fins’ sure knows and appreciates their death metal, and it
shows. The Obituary influence is there and this sure beats anything Six
Feet Under ever released (a fucken blister would do that even, but
hey). Torture Killer are good. 7

Ripper Bendix: The German metal press is literally
pissing itself about this album – and knowing my metal mags I already
knew this couldn’t be a good sign. Don’t get me wrong, Torture Killer
sure aren’t god-awful, but nice and thrashy with ol’ leatherlung Chris
Barnes on the mike singing about the usual suspects like death, death,
more death, killing, killers, people-dead-makers and whatnot, but
haven’t we heard similar stuff countless times before? Much unlike the
majority of the goredeathers/thrashers, Torture Killer have a nice
feeling for groove, though, making this album a lot of fun to listen to –
once or twice. 7

The Abyss: I think this is the first time I wish a
death metal band had made a 34 min album of instrumentals. The riffs and
music is kickass but are all spoiled by the shitty growls and
vocal-patterns of Chris “Destroyer of Bands” Barnes. This score is for
the music only! 6

Desert Eagle: So they aren’t killing torturers,
they’re killing torture. Which is an action. I didn’t know you could do
that. What’s next, “Playing Killer”? I like how this band started off as
a Six Feet Under cover band then actually wrote original material and
got Chris “Pussy” Barnes to do the vocals! Amazing! 2

Syrrok: Ha! I suggest you go look up my review of
this band’s last album on this site to see how I feel about these guys.
Utter poop. 1

Farlus: Holy fucking Chuck Norris, this shit is
spectacular. Very Cannibal Corpse-ish, but a million times better. Every
single song is a monster. Some parts aren’t so great, but as a whole
this album is better than a free blowjob from a classy hooker. 9

Dismember: The god that never was Dismember: The god that never was

5.2 /10

Lord K: The Iron Maiden twin-leads steps back a
little on this one in favour for brutality. Dismember are as predictable
as sex with your girlfriend since 10 years, you know what you get and
you dig it, without it changing yer life for shit. 7

Ripper Bendix: Well… that’s the way it’s done for
fuck’s sake! I must admit that I never was a big Dismember fan
whatsoever, but in contrast to the accumulation of shit in this month’s
AA, Dismember are to me the knights in fucken shiny armour, or better –
the Zombies with fucken chainsaws saving my ass from total boredom and
an agonizing death involving a screwdriver and a gallon of naphta. 9

The Abyss: All’s the same in Dismember-world,
perhaps it’s faster in general and there’s some more melodic Iron
Maiden-touches in it, but that’s about it. Dismember, like Bolt Thrower,
will never change their formula and sound. I don’t see Matti Kärki
& Co starting to grow stale either. And I’m fine with that. 6

Desert Eagle: I hope these guys aren’t one of those
“Classic” bands that sucks that I’m supposed to like. Because this is
bad. Cream of spinach bad. Oh, and you all can suck my dick too since I
know I’m going to get shit for this. 3

Syrrok: I throw on the Dismember album, yet I still
find myself more compelled with the “lovely ladies of curling” on the
TV right now. 2

Farlus: I really want to like this album, but it
just doesn’t do it for me. I listen to this album, then I listen to
“Like an Everflowing Stream” and wonder why I even bothered to listen to
this one. You win some, you lose some. 4

Sadus: Out for blood Sadus: Out for blood

5.2 /10

Lord K: I never dug Sadus, but “Out for blood”
changed that. This is a solid effort and at times (“Freedom”) I get some
really nice old Death-vibes. You can never go wrong with that. 7

Ripper Bendix: I strongly presume this album was
mastered and mixed by the bassplayer, haha. Very cool thrash metal with a
mullet and a time tunnel right back into the eighties. If the guitars
were louder and not just a buzzing layer of sound in the background,
buried under a ton of very clicky Steve Harris bass on crack, they’d
recieve two points more from me because the rest is fucken groovaaaaay. 6

The Abyss: This, I like! You can tell this is a
bass-players pet-project. The bass is loud in the mix (almost too loud)
and often the instrument that drives the songs forward. Add a nice
Petrozza-like thrash-singer, some hectic drumwork, and I’m sold! 7

Desert Eagle: Oh good, Sadus is back. This was
completely necessary. And what’s with all this bass? Is it god damned
DiGorgio or something? Oh, it is. Well then. Bonus points for the lead
singer having the last name Travis which is of course my first name. 4

Syrrok: I just knew Sadus was going to suck. I was
right. Some technical shit here and there, but nothing coherrant. It
is as if they just took all of their throw-away riffs and threw them in
the oven. 3

Farlus: Woah. I can hear the bass guitar. These
guys can write some pretty groovy stuff, but the vocals really get on my
fucking nerves. Hey, at least it’s not metalcore again. 4

Exhale SWE: Prototype Exhale SWE: Prototype

5 /10

Lord K: A huge fucken suprise. Exhale SWE appears
out of nowhere and blasts their fucken way thru my speakers. Top-quality
death/grind that quite possibly could start a buzz in the business. I’m
impressed. 8

Ripper Bendix: Grind/death stuff with dry-as-fuck
guitars and a side dish of hysterial vocal chords and maybe intestines
and movie quotes. Nothing I’d listen to more than once or twice, but
they shall have two extra points for not being Edguy. 5

The Abyss: Some nice, lively grind/death here. They
aren’t exactly reinventing the wheel, but it’s definately quality shit.
There’s even some resemblance of melody between all the blasts. 7

Desert Eagle: Oh man, you guys are like so heavy
and tough and clearly poor considering how bad your tough and heavy
sound is. I hope they don’t inhale. 3

Syrrok: Grindcore? Is that what this is? I love a
lot of the brutality of this bitch, but as always I need more groove.
Great use of a sample in the song “Stängda dörrar (whatever that means –
It means “closed doors” – The Lord ). What always pisses me
off about a band like this is that you know they could actually write
good metal if they wanted. Instead they take the “lets write crazy
shit” cop-out. 2

Farlus: Pretty standard scream/growl death metal
with some groove thrown in for good measure. Eventually the music starts
to get repetitive, however. Fourteen tracks are far too many for a
death metal album. Still, not bad. 5

Raunchy: Death pop romance Raunchy: Death pop romance

4.8 /10

Lord K: Alot of ideas thrown into this piece, and
it works for most parts. Sometimes it gets a bit too cheesy to be called
“metal” though, but I dig this shit. To some extent at least. The
excellent production adds to the score. 7

Ripper Bendix: I can’t be the only one in the crew
not liking Raunchy, can I? Say what you want but they just don’t kick me
and the hardcore stuff gets on my nerves. 5

The Abyss: This is pop alright, but I don’t hear
any death in it, and not any romance either for that matter. Ok, maybe a
little death-metal of the type that is found in In Flames’ new sound,
but done so much worse. Syrrok must be on drugs… 2

Desert Eagle: If these guys were Ranchy I’d be all
over this shit. Ranch-dressing, after all, is delicious. You could put
it all over anything, like titties. Mmm, ranch-titties. 6

Syrrok: I reviewed this one. I typically just
point towards that, but let me sum it up by saying that, although I’m
sure I’m alone amongst my colleagues here, I love this album. I love
the production, I love the simple riffs that lock into grooves on EVERY
song, and I love the programming. Good shit x555. I’m giving this an
“8” instead of the “9” I did in the review simply in comparison to the
other albums in this AA. 8

Farlus: I’m too tired to make the obvious jokes
about “Raunchy” and “Death Pop Romance”. The shit speaks for itself. I’m
convinced metalcore was created just to make sure there was something
in the world that pissed me off. 1

Benighted: Identisick Benighted: Identisick

4.7 /10

Lord K: At times some of the Benighted-riffs
actually groove. Then we add the horrible vocals and we all of a sudden
end up with another completely uninteresting band. 4

Ripper Bendix: Heard that kind of stuff thousands
of times before. The singer is inaudible most of the time – which is
probably a good thing. The Napalm Death coversong “Suffer The Children”
rocks mighty ass, just like the grind/crust outbursts here and there.
All in all kinda mediocre bordering “meh” or even “ah well, whatever”. 5

The Abyss: The vocals veer dangerously close to
pig-vocals at times, the rest of the time they’re just unintelligible.
The music is pretty standard brutal death, nothing to get excited about.
3

Desert Eagle: These bros have this one song that’s
totally awesome and fun to play. I also think you should know they
aren’t power metal. You might think that but you’d be wrong. Power metal
doesn’t have pig metal vocals, you idiot. 6

Syrrok: There are a few moments of great death
crushing in this bitch, but all around the songwriting is not up to par.
I gotta give it to these guys though. I was almost sure, just based
on the horrible name that this was going to be the usual AA trash. It
at least deserves something around a 4.

Farlus: I’m definitely not a fan of “pig vocals”,
but I still enjoy the fuck out of this band. If they’d drop the stupid
vocals they’d be way better. The album is pretty good and has alot of
variation for a pig vocal band, but those vox still nag on me. 6

Norther: Till death us unites Norther: Till death us unites

4.5 /10

Lord K: In Flames-ish riffing is not a bad thing,
but this is much worse as a whole. The chorus in “Alone in the end”
gives me rashes. I don’t like rashes. I don’t like Norther. 3

Ripper Bendix: Yeah okay, melodic Blekkmettell
reminding me of Dark Tranquility and In Flames in parts. Nice melodies
and cool hooklines but not enough to nail me in front of the stereo with
chips and dip for long. 6

The Abyss: Stealing several cues from later day In
Flames and the melodic death-genre in general, I can’t say that Norther
really offers anything interesting to the table. Not bad, not good.
Mediocre is the word I’m looking for, I think. 5

Desert Eagle: This is everything the new Children of Bodom should have been. You know, good. 8

Syrrok: These guys go to MacDonalds with
Hammerfall. Have I mentioned the olympic sport of curling yet? Maybe I
have, I forget. Hammerfall did a video about curling. Norther was
probably in the background somewhere. Cheese keyboards and generic
vocals don’t give Syrrok a boner. 2

Farlus: Another disappointment. Started out cool,
then quickly degraded into a Haunted-wannabe, melodic death bullshit.
What’s with the band names in this edition? All I think of when I see
this band’s name is Quilted Northern toilet paper. Kind of appropriate
considering how SHITTY (har har) this band is. 3

Misery Inc: Random end Misery Inc: Random end

4 /10

Lord K: With a guitar-sound as heavy as a plastic
bag and vocals more repulsive than your momma, Misery Inc decides to
suck with the best of them. I FUCKEN HATE HALF-METAL! 2

Ripper Bendix: I am sitting between chairs here.
The mixture between death metal, melodic and Slipknot-ish outbursts
kinda confuses me. This stuff packs a punch like a fucken mule most of
the time, though. Fuck it, I am pulling straws now…. do I like it or
not? ‘pulls’ I like it! 7

The Abyss: Euch, get those greasy-ass clean vocals
away from me! They cling to me like young boys cling to Michael Jackson,
and the unclean sensation is similar. Don’t let the distorted guitars
and occasionaly creative drumfill fool you, this is pop with a
metal-cover. They even makes Raunchy sound semi-heavy. 1

Desert Eagle: The clean vox can pretty much get the
fuck out but everything else is like M&Ms in those Kudos bars.
Remember those? They were good. Are they still around? I should go get
some. 7

Syrrok: Nice, accessible clean-choruses wrapped
around very average riffs. These guys would do great on an Avenged
Sevenfold tour, complete with underaged groupies. Again, I’m going back
to curling. 3

Farlus: I’m very undecided about this band. The
music is pretty groovy, the guy’s got a hell of a voice, but the clean
vocals are a little too melodramatic for me. This is really one of those
bands you have to be in the mood for. That’s not the type of band that
tends to score too highly on AA. Then again, what do I know. Just when I
think I have my fellow writers figured out, they go and praise some gay
power metal band. 4

Sepultura: Dante XXI Sepultura: Dante XXI

3.8 /10

Lord K: I gave up on anything Sepultura a long time
ago. The fact that Derrick’s vocals are not completely nauseating this
time around doesn’t help the piss-poor material. It says quite a bit
that a band has gone down the drain when they have been aoround for some
20+ years and go out on tour supporting In Flames. Sepultura are as
dead as ever. 3

Ripper Bendix: Sepultura need to fucken retire, nuff said. 5

The Abyss: Sepultura cited Metallica as an
inspiration early in their career. Seems they’re still inspired by them;
why else would they, just like their heroes, continue to make their
name a laughingstock in the metal world? At least it’s not as crappy as
“Roorback” or “Nation”. 4

Desert Eagle: HAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THIS! 1

Syrrok: Fire Derrick. I’m not even sure Max could
help these guys at this point. Just too much punk and boredom. What
happened to “Dead Embryonic Cell” style riffage? Or “Territory” at
least? This band is directionless. 3

Farlus: As a Sepultura album, this record isn’t
that great. If any other band released this, though, it’d get pretty
good reviews. Honestly, some of the songs flat-out suck, but some of the
songs are kickass, too. They manage to recreate the riff-tastic days of
the later Max Sepultura albums (“Chaos AD”, etc) on some of the songs,
and those are the best songs on the album. They’ll never be what they
once were, but if they changed their name they’d be alot more
successful. 7

Caliban: The undying darkness Caliban: The undying darkness

3.2 /10

Lord K: Every time I hear the name “Caliban” I
think of “Taliban”, and that is bound to suck. Take any recent American
band trying to play tough metal and you know what this sounds like. I’m
so fed up with this semi-aggro crap with clean choruses and whatnot.
Fuck off. And take yer shit-moniker with you. 3

Ripper Bendix: Metalcore pioneers. They were pretty
much the first band doing this kind of stuff and are to blame for all
bad things including the hole in the ozone layer. Need I say more? 4

The Abyss: Bad metalcore. You know how it sounds. 2

Desert Eagle: I thought metalcore was only an
American disease. Well actually you know what, I like some metalcore. I
don’t really like this but I like some other shit. “The Acacia Strain”
is so sick you guys. 5

Syrrok: With a song called “I Rape Myself,” how
could you not fall in love with these guys? That’s devotion to creative
song titles if I’ve ever seen it. Uh-oh more metalcore crap singing. I
can’t get over this. Guitars, and bass especially, create
song-grooves, but it just doesn’t add up to anything under that horrible
black-hat wearing whining. 3

Farlus: When will the metalcore end? It’s terrible
because obviously these guys have practiced so hard at what they do, but
the music still sucks so bad. It’s like a really ugly girl that no one
wants to touch or do anything with, so she practices really hard to give
great head and becomes one of the best cocksuckers around town. Still,
she hasn’t fixed the original problem of her being extremely ugly.
That’s what metalcore is. An ugly bitch that gives great head. Yeah, I’m
drunk. 2

Axxis: Paradise in flames Axxis: Paradise in flames

2.2 /10

Lord K: It hurts, but I really dig the opening of
“Will god remember me?”. But then again, that’s pretty much everything
that’s enjoyable about this power metal-bullshit. Axxis are as metal as
fucken lip-balm. 3

Ripper Bendix: Fucken awful! 2

The Abyss: This is like a more heterosexual Edguy
but with worse songwriting-skills. I have no idea what weighs heavier,
not being gay or actually having memorable songs. So I’m gonna give them
both the same score. 2

Desert Eagle: Pain had an album called “Dancing
with the Dead”. These guys have a song called “Dance with the Dead”. One
of the two took me back to the 80’s and made me want to die. The other
was by Pain. 2

Syrrok: Lemonade style metal here. All gay and
sour. Meat Loaf couldn’t even outgay this. Keep in mind that I like
Dragonforce and Masterplan. This is terribly gay-metal. Rashes and
bullet belts all around. 1

Farlus: You know these guys are cool because it
takes TWO x’s to spell their name. This is the kind of music that’s gay,
but you secretly rock out to when no one’s around – like Iron Maiden.
Still, Axxis couldn’t write anything near as good as “The Trooper” if
they tried their entire career. All these power metal bands from the
80’s need to hang it up. 3

Edguy: Rocket ride Edguy: Rocket ride

1 /10

Lord K: Sweden’s Lobotomy had a suitable title on one of their releases. It was entitled “Kill”. I think you get my point. 1

Ripper Bendix: Extra fucken awful!! Jesus cocking Christ… please go away! 0

The Abyss: This is a band whose material has
skipped between “okey”, “pretty bad” to “horrible” to even deeper chasms
of Teh Suck their entire career. This one belongs in the “Oh fuck
please make it stop!” folder. 2

Desert Eagle: Words can’t even describe how much I hate this band. 0

Syrrok: Have you ever wondered what kind of music
would be born if you woke up in bed beside Rikki Rocket after a wild
night at the Rainbow Room? In the immortal words of Prince: “Edguy is
what it sounds like, on a Rocket Ride.” 2

Farlus: I know I’m not being clever or anything
here, but these guys SHOULD be called Edgay. It’s just such an
appropriate moniker. Come on. “Hair Force One”? These lyrics are
terrible. The singing is terrible. It’s just bad. I really hope this is a
joke band, cause they are a fucking joke. 1

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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