GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – January 2006

Audio Autopsy – January 2006

01/01/06  ||  Global Domination

Album cover In Flames: Come clarity

7.8 /10

Lord K: Vital as fuck. “Dead End” holds one of my
favourite-verses this year, thanx to Lisa Miskovsky. Definitely this
round’s winner for me. And partying with them in Glasgow in their
tour-bus this year sure helps the score. Thanx for the bottles of wine.
I’m impressed. With the wine AND the music. 9

Ripper: I love fucken In Flames and this album
pretty much fucken slays all. What could there possibly left to add, eh?
Sure, they have their distinguished sound, which too many bands
nowadays eagerly try to copy, but nothing beats the original – not even
THE original. 8

Desert Eagle: A worthy effort but I need to mention
the obvious, which is that they’ve peaked. Somewhere around “Colony” or
“Clayman” they lost it and don’t appear to be able to get it back. 7

Syrrok: Ok, so you regret getting that “Jester”
tattoo on your ass by now. Fine. It’s hard to show up to your
underground blood parties and talk about In Flames. They’re just not
metal anymore. FUCK’LL THEM BALLS IDIOTS! They’ve never cared, and they
still don’t. Great riffs, straightforward vocals, still lackluster
drums. I love this band. Bring back the 80’s bitches! 8

The Abyss: The guys from Gothenburg has decided to
pick up the pace on this, their eight studio album and while not a
complete return to the good old days (that’s “Whoracle”-era for those
who don’t know) I must say that this is a much stronger work then
“Soundtrack to Your Escape”. I still have problems with Anders clean
vocals (too whiney) but his growls sounds A-OK. The inclusion of female
vocals on “Dead end” is one of the albums highlights. 7

Album cover System of a Down: Hypnotize

6.2 /10

Lord K: Being completely unique ain’t necessarily a
great thing, but SOAD are undeniably an exception. I admire these guys
for being able to create what they do. It’s completely off the wall and
catchy as fuck. It’s unique and it’s great. I wonder why I don’t listen
to these guys more often… Serj’s got one of the best voices in heavy
music today. 8

Ripper: Combine an irritating but capable singer
and another irritating but INCAPABLE singer, throw some random thrashy
riffs into it and you get SOAD. If you think that, you can go and suck
my fucken dick. Sure, one of them is most definitely incapable and gets
even on MY nerves. But I don’t think their new shit would work without
him trying to sing – I guess. That way or another, SOAD have become a
whole deal more theatrical and BETTER than ever. Yes I AM serious. 9

Desert Eagle: Wow I really wish that guitarist
would never ever sing. Overall this album has a b-side quality to it.
It’s still good, but not really what I would call a part 2 to a double
album like they’re claiming. 6

Syrrok: I just don’t get it. After the first album,
I don’t get it. I thought Marilyn Manson proved that “crazy looking”
contacts could only get you so far. Eventually you had to write decent
songs, right? I guess not. These guys make money, and it makes me want
to kick my dog. I don’t like this album. I don’t see where they are
going with it. I KNOW FOR A FACT that they all just got crazy high and
fucked around in the studio for 3 days and recorded both of these
albums. Yeah, I live 2 hours from L. A. and just know that shit. For
that reason alone. 3

The Abyss: The band might disagree with this but
“Hypnotize” really do feel like the day-old leftovers from a band famous
for their innovation and creativity. You can do better guys. And for
the last time, Darian shut the fuck up! 5

Album cover Criminal: Sicario

5.0 /10

Lord K: This could be any fucken Swedish band
really. It’s jump-along music with catchy riffing and shit-vocals. Add
some random half-blasts and you got Criminal. These guys prolly grew up
with Slayer and some At The Gates besides the usual thrash metal mania.
Not completely half-assed but definitely not full-assed either. 5

Ripper: Starts as neo-thrash and tries to cover its
metalcore underwear with Death’n Roll, fast double bass and what else
can’t run away fast enough, at least that’s my first impression. At some
points those dudes kick hilarious amounts of all kind of ass, but
still… something’s fucken wrong here and I can’t put my damn finger on
it. Ah, guess I’m just too fucken nitpicky today. So take your 8 points
and run before I can come up with some lame excuse to rip into you. 8

Desert Eagle: I was about to give them a really
shitty score but then I remembered one awesome solo so I have to add a
point for that. At least it has decent production too. I keep hearing
Zakk Wylde-esque pinches though. Ugh. 4

Syrrok: CRIMINAL is like FELONious Monk plus
guitars, plus yelling, minus anything worth your time. -666/10 (also
known as, again, 1/10) 1

The Abyss: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say
that Criminal aren’t one of those reformed old geezer-bands because
there’s no way in hell you can play thrash like this and be over 30. I’m
getting some early Sepultura-vibes here (mostly the riffs and the
drumming) and y’know what? Early Seuputra was pretty fucking good. 7

Album cover Violent Work of Art: The Worst is Yet to Come

5.0 /10

Lord K: They have the ideas, they have the
equipment, and they have the talent. What they don’t have is a great
album. The guys are cool as fuck but something in the sterile production
kills it for me. I hope the best is to come. 5

Ripper: Everybody fucken disco! The singer
occasionally sounds like a drunken pub bully with a hard-on for soccer.
Put on your white John Travolta suit AND FUCKEN DISCO! 5

Desert Eagle: This reminds me of Static-X. In case you aren’t sure, that’s a bad thing. 2

Syrrok: Fuck, I’m down with every part where the
singer doesn’t ruin the music. The samples are unique and pleasurefull.
And most importantly, plentiful. I’d love to hear the remix of this
album, sans singer. This is an album those “Sex in the City” girls would
stumble across in a NY club one night and comment on…then go to the
bathroom and blow 8 guys, and 4 chicks. 5

The Abyss: Pain may be the most well known band to
mesh electronica and metal but if there’s any justice in the world
Violent Work Of Art will soon be just as famous. This album, consisting
of old demos, hold such high quality in songwriting, production and
playing that I can do nothing but get up and dance! 8

Album cover Debauchery: Torture pit

4.8 /10

Lord K: I have no idea what the name means but I
love it. Semi-groovy death metal with a pit bull on vocals. If anyone
can make out a single word he’s singing, I applaud you. This has its
moments but among the countless of death metal bands out there, I rather
pick something else. Quality is more important that quantity. These
guys are the latter. 5

Ripper: “Kill-Maim-Burn” sucked fucken ass,
thankfully this album is much better. Did those dudes get a new singer
or something? I am too lazy to look it up, but hey. I’ll spin THIS baby
here until it fucken bleeds. And that doesn’t even make sense because
CDs can’t bleed no matter how much of an effort ya put into it. 8

Desert Eagle: ONE track is bad enough. But 15? Fucking torture. 2

Syrrok: Ooooh yeah, sinners. Enter the TORTURE PIT!
Here we have all your most carnal pleasures…accompanied by the
soundtrack of failed metal 😦 Yes, frowny internet face for these fags. I
mean, it’s ok. Especially the drums. But I can only drown out the other
instruments and listen to drums for so long. Some of it is even groovy,
but again, it’s all the drums. So if you buy this album, find that
Internet program that isolates the drums and do that. Oh, that program
doesn’t exist? Then don’t buy the album. 2

The Abyss: Neanderthalic goredeath anyone? Anyone?
Hello? Oh c’mon, this is actually pretty good shit! Groovy and lots of
meaty hooks (har har) to keep your attention. The song titles and album
cover put my expectations at, shall we say, low, but I found myself
digging this quite a bit. Bonus point for the excellent production! Oh
and the acoustic cover of “Blood for the Bloodgod” is the best shit
since Aeon’s country-song! 7**

Album cover Craft: Fuck the universe

4.6 /10

Lord K: Craft wants to fuck the universe. I think
that’s cool as hell. The black metal Craft shits out is not as cool
though. I have a very hard time getting into semi-produced black metal
(or any metal that’s semi-produced that is). The occasional killer-riff
is here and there on this album but as a whole I rather skip this. I
like my black metal well produced. Thank you Dark Funeral. 4

Ripper: Oh man, I always had a soft spot for CRAFT /
ex-Nocta, ever since NOX claimed in an interview that “The new album
sucks anyway and the old one was much better” – referring to the album
“Terror Propaganda” BTW, which didn’t suck one damn bit. This shit is
about as subtle as a butcher’s cleaver to the head, and as minimalist as
Lord K’s knowledge of non-alcoholic drinks and eating manners. If you
really wanna go berserk and have a shit in the woods with a flowing cape
and a wooden mallet, look no further than fucken CRAFT. 8

Desert Eagle: I’m sure Derek would have gone on
some long-winded diatribe comparing this band to some “hooker” he
“killed” (read: “teddy bear” he “hugged”), but I will just come right
out and say this is crap. Sucks, blows, etc. 3

Syrrok: Fuck the universe! I’m all-ok with that. I
wonder if Craft understands just how big a space they are fucking? The
universe, eh? If you sat down with scones and butterscotch with the
Craft guys and asked, “Hey Craft, just how big is this ‘universe’ that
we are fucking,” I bet you’d be met with scowls! Treacherous scowls! Ok,
none of those scowls made their way, in musical form, onto the record.
Truly bland, amateur shit. 1

The Abyss: There’s something to be said of the old
school attitude when it comes to black metal. Craft take their cues from
old troopers like Carpathian Forest, Mayhem and Darkthrone (without the
shitty production). This is melodic while not loosing the “evil” edge
and since it’s pretty much all mid-paced there’s lots of headbanging
material here. Not innovative at all, but good shit. 7

Album cover The Berzerker: World of lies

4.4 /10

Lord K: Not a fucken chance. 1

Ripper: This album is a fucking nightmare and I
love every microsecond of it. BlackMetalTechno. I am so fucken sure Lord
K will masturbate over this. 8

Desert Eagle: If those were real drums I would be
so damn impressed. I don’t think they are though. Are they? Whatever
this is like the Slipknot of death. Weird. 6

Syrrok: This is how you order The Berzerker’s new
album at your local Starbucks: “Hi, I’d like you to take GWAR and soak
them in strawberry milk for an hour. Then I’d like you to blend it
together until it’s as frothy as an angel’s soul. Next, add a cup of
Slipknot and fourteen organic Vanilla Nut coffee beans which have been
smuggled into the country by a Peruvian who kept them marinating up his
asshole in a balloon with 3 grams of heroin. NEXT, gently, and I mean
GENTLY mix it all together with a plastic spoon and pour it in a golden
pot. Boil it to a healthy simmer. Now that it’s piping hot, please pour
the concoction on my face, scalding me to the bone and scarring me for
life, so that EVERYONE will know that I like my metal derivative and
gimmicky. 2

The Abyss: I’ve always liked The Berzerker’s insane
mix of Ministry-style industry, gabba-techno and guttural death metal
but it’s at the slower more mood-filled pieces that the band truly
excels in creating a creepy vibe. This, just like the other albums, is
just TOO intense to take in more then short bursts. 5

Album cover Korn: See you on the other side

4.2 /10

Lord K: Wow… What the fuck happened? Head started to blow Christ and Korn just started to blow period. 2

Ripper: Jumpdafuckup yo. Okay, I admit I listened
to “Twisted Transistor” like eight times in a row before bothering with
the rest. “Politics” had me thinking fucken Soulfly “Back to the
Primitive” and that’s not good, but I guess ya can’t do much with
politics – strictly speaking about vocals of course. Listen to this
album over headphones. It is like an acid trip during Armageddon disco.
No kidding. Maturity finally caught up a bit with the Kornies. Thanks
fucken Satan. 8

Desert Eagle: I hate to say this twice in one month but this is a band that lost it a long time ago and they aren’t getting it back. 5

Syrrok: Much has changed since we last saw Korn.
Head’s a Christian now, Fieldly moves like a snake drowning in semen,
Munky still spells his name wrong, and Johnny Davis still squeals. I
lied. Not much has changed. If you want to piss off your parents, buy
Cradle of Filth and shit on your dad’s favorite chair. 2

The Abyss: Not as bad as “Issues” but Korn should’ve quit after “Life is Peachy” when they still had some aggression in them! 4

Album cover Apostasy: Devilution

3.8 /10

Lord K: After suffering from a terrible Dimmu
Borgir-disease on their debut, Apostasy tries to get away a little from
that here. I can’t say they have a completely new sound but I like this a
hella lot better than their previous effort. Nothing remotely original
or anything, but it’s well-played and fine. It just doesn’t hold my
interest for very long. But it works, without a doubt. 6

Ripper: Sounds like fucken Dimmu Borgir with better
grooves and less schmaltz. I like Dimmo with less pomp. The singer
sounds like me. I like myself. Too much fucken keyboard, but the rest is
quite nice. 6

Desert Eagle: You know how they say that too much
of a good thing is bad? (Which is total bullshit but I won’t rant about
it here). Well this is too much of a bad thing, which of course means
it’s good, right? Correct. I mean incorrect… sorry. Whoops! 2

Syrrok: It’s like Prince’s “Purple Rain” plus guitars, plus yelling, minus anything worth listening to. -666/10 (also known as 1/10) 1

The Abyss: Judging by this month’s black metal
releases, originality is not really a must these days. Craft sounds like
Darkthrone, and Apostasy sounds like Dimmu Borgir did somewhere in the
beginning, before they started masturbating over the KORG product
catalogue. But unlike Craft, I’m not really feeling the songwriting
here. If Apostasy worked more on that and less on imitating DB they
might have a future in black metals B-team. 4

Album cover Annihilator: Schizo deluxe

3.6 /10

Lord K: Fucken Jeff Waters is a joke. Using the
same crappy riffs over and over, never being able to re-create “Alice in
Hell” (which was a quite cool album back in the day, for exactly 33
seconds), no matter how much he wants to. This is fucken shit. The
chorus in “Invite It” makes me wanna invite him, bitchslap him, and run
him over with a bulldozer. He can play guitar though, I guess that’s
something. 2

Ripper: If anything then “de-fucken-luxe” okay?
Schitzo DE-FUCKEN-LUXE! Amateurs. Right, I’ve heard quite a bit about
this album, for example that Jeff Waters had bought some kind of sound
library, which was fucken expensive and had to be used…. so he did. On
this album every song starts with some sort of ambient sound, doorbells,
crying kids, radio broadcasts etc. etc. etc. The rock press in my
country is of course furiously masturbating over this album. Well, I
sure as fuck AIN’T. I give ya an F for effort, and since F is the 6th
letter of the alphapenisbeth you can to the math yourfuckenself. 6

Desert Eagle: I was told that this album was a bit
of a departure from the previous, in that it was less cheesy and lame. A
scandalous lie! It’s the same crap if you ask me. Maximum Satan?! Damn
them! 3

Syrrok: Jeff Waters tests the waters of studio room
mediocrity! So he’s tryin’ to bring the 80’s back, who cares! I
normally would. I guess that’s what sucks so much about this suck plate
of dinosaur balls. Suck suck fluckle suck. 2

The Abyss: I’ve never heard Annihilator before but
this wasn’t too bad! Hyped up retro-thrash with lots and lots of solos
and so-so vocals. If you like Kreator and Exodus, you’ll probably dig
this. Perfect beer-music! 5

Album cover Crowpath: Son of Sulphur

3.6 /10

Lord K: Not only do they sport one of the most
retarded monikers ever, they also decide to be overly technical with
their death metal and I get fucken rashes listening to this. No matter
how impressive the skinman’s skills are. 3

Ripper: What the fuck is wrong with people???? This
is what’s going to be on the radio when the Meshuggah fanboys take over
the world, mark my words! 3

Desert Eagle: This is some brutal noise right here.
Like how an explosion with guts splattering all over the place would
sound pretty brutal. I can’t say I would enjoy such a noise though, the
same as I don’t enjoy this. At all. 3

Syrrok: 666×222 = math metal sucks. 1

The Abyss: I love this kind of caustic skin peeling
postmodern metal shit! Dillinger Escape Plan might be too extreme for
me to grasp but bands like Crowpath and Ocean give me a major hard on.
If you like skinny-dipping in battery acid like me, give this a try! Oh
yes, sweet, sweet pain… 8

Album cover Deathstars: Termination bliss

3.6 /10

Lord K: I never had the hots for this kind of music
but if I have to choose between a band like Crowpath and this, the
choice is obvious; I’m not choosing Crowpath. Radio-friendly and wimpy
shit with some Rammstein-influences. It works. 6

Ripper: Did I mention yet that the band name is
really damn silly? Oh yeah, and the singer sounds like a crossbreed
between the Sisters Of Mercy dude and a thing dwelling at the bottom of a
pond. Also they use the metaphor “white medicine”, probably for jizz
and have a song called “Blitzkrieg”. In a nutshell: The Deathstars are
so Goth, they shit fucken bats. BOOOOO! 4

Desert Eagle: THEIR FUCKING GUITARIST CALLS HIMSELF “NIGHTMARE INDUSTRIES”. GAME OVER MAN. 1

Syrrok: Gaping Goth Assholes Monthly rated this band 4 out of 4 reacharounds. Early candidate for Album of the Forever 2006! 3

The Abyss: I hated these guys on their first record
and to my joy they’ve removed some of the greatest obstacles (mainly
shitty songwriting) but there’s still something that prevents me from
fully enjoying Deathstars’ electronic gothmetal. I do know that I don’t
like the vocals, they remind me too much of too many other bands in the
same genre. 4

Album cover Devourment: Butcher the weak

3.2 /10

Lord K: Seriously? Fuck. You. 2

Ripper: Butcher the weak? Don’t fucken saw the branch you’re sitting on! 2

Desert Eagle: Even though it has awful production
and even worse pig vocals I have to give them an extra point or two for
having a song called “Fuck Her Head Off”. 4

Syrrok: Butcher Devourment! 1

The Abyss: If you’re named Devourment I expect two
things of you. 1. That you play goregrind. 2. That you suck in a “Gee,
haven’t I heard this before?” kind of way. Good work guys, two out of
two! 3

Album cover Ephel Duath: Pain necessary to know

3.2 /10

Lord K: I guess I just don’t get it. And believe me, I don’t fucken want to get it either when it comes to Ephel Duath. 3

Ripper: I have to admit, this is the first album of
Ephel Duath I ever listened to. A friend of mine, straight from
Bavaria’s anus seems to like them very much – hence his username – but I
remained skeptic because I hadn’t heard anything about or from them
ever before. What I found on this silvery disc was a bit like Tool’s
evil twin. You know…the one with only one eyebrow? The one that lives in
the cellar and eats rats and pulls little children into the sewer to
tear their intestines out? That is Ephel Duath. That band fucked my
brain and didn’t even buy me a fucken drink! If I ever, really lose my
mind and decide to kill all humanity with a rusty letter opener, let it
be known that Ephel Duath made me do it! 4

Desert Eagle: What’s with all the avant-garde bands
these days? The scene is exploding with tons of these types of bands!
What? It’s not? Oh. I can tell why. IT FUCKING SUCKS. This kind of
wankery is unnecessary. 2

Syrrok: TO THE MOON, EPHEL! Hey, just joshin’ you
guys. But seriously, if this band played a live show on the moon, they
would instantly be recognized as the worst band to ever play a concert
on the moon. +1.44245/10 (1/10) (for looking like Tom Selleck) 1

The Abyss: This is bizarre stuff, take my word for
it! Leaning heavier then ever on the structures and (un)logic of jazz
this Italian band has opted to abandon the clean vocals of previous
albums and none is happier about that then me. The fact that the band is
almost instrumental nowadays doesn’t bother me at all since the musical
skills possessed here and the ides they put forth are very
entertaining. This isn’t something I would listen to very often though,
but when I do get the urge, Ephel Duath satisfies. 6

Album cover Gizmachi: The Imbuing

2.6 /10

Lord K: I thought I was listening to Meshuggah when
this first came on. That drastically changed when the monkey started
singing. Not the best of Meshuggah-riffs can help these guys when he
opens his mouth. The technicality is evident though and it’s neatly
executed. Shame about those vocals. “Gizmachi” makes me think of the
“Gremlins” movies. That can’t be all that fucken awesome. 4

Ripper: What is this? The “Hey, who needs a
straight beat anyway” edition of Audio Autopsy??? At least that’s what I
thought as this album started playing. Then it turned into something
closely resembling metalcore. Great eh? Of course not. 4

Desert Eagle: Picture hardcore mixed with nu-metal
mixed with noise. Picture my asshole taking a steaming dump on that
picture. Picture needing massive therapy for seeing such a thing. 2

Syrrok: The Imbibing would have been a sweeter
title. But what should I expect? After all, this is an AA band. Rookie
shit, here we come. There is nothing original here. Hook me up on my web
cam and I’ll instantly write a better riff than anything on this album.
1

The Abyss: Don’t you just love it when a band tries
to come of as a big and scary pit bull but only ends up as a mildly
interesting gerbil in a cage? I find it hilarious and if it weren’t for
the fact that Gizmachi has zero song material, I’d pity them. Now I just
want them to leave my fucking stereo. 2

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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