Audio Autopsy – February 2009

Audio Autopsy – February 2009

01/02/09  ||  Global Domination

Napalm Death: Time waits for no slave Napalm Death: Time waits for no slave


Lord K: Napalm Death shows the world how a penis is supposed to be stroked. 8

Kampfar: The very forefathers of grind still kicks all kinds of ass. Living legends. 9

Abyss: The Brummies have sounded really fucking
persuasive on the last coupe of albums, making me grind, ‘bang and throw
the horns all at once. This album is no exception and there’s something
for everyone here; be it short sharp shrapnel or ultra-heavy death
metal missiles. 8

Seker: Napalm Death’s new album is an interesting
beast, bringing back the progressive spirit of their 90’s output while
continuing the framework laid on their last few albums. Expect a lot of
different-sounding riffs built on top of each other like a one of those
weird Lego forts you used to build back in the day: breakdowns, thrash
riffs, d-beat madness, odd melodic touches, and weird transparent orange
blocks abound. On an unrelated note, Barney Greenway looks a lot like
my old room-mate now that he’s cut his hair short. 7

Intestine Baalism: Ultimate instinct Intestine Baalism: Ultimate instinct


Lord K: Who fucken knew some Jap’s would be able to create some decent melodic metal? 6

Kampfar: At their best, which is whenever they put
an excellent solo over some fine ass riffing, this Japanese death combo
is quite alright. The bits in between, however, are at times, and surely
way too often, of the dreary kind. Put short, this album is an aardvark
mix of blandness and inspiration dressed up in a rather lousy
production. 5

Abyss: If I’m gonna recommend one band this month
it has to be Intestine Baalism from Japan (I think). They play a style
that’s very very 90’s down to the reverb on the instruments. There’s
pretty much all styles of Scandinavian death metal to be heard here.
Melodic Gothenburg stuff (At The Gates, early In Flames), bludgeoning
Stockholm-riffmania and some traces of the Norwegian churchburners here
and there. Over all this is really really fucking good stuff. 8

Seker: Intestine Baalism’s first album since the
late Devonian extinction attempts to synthesize the brutality of their
first album and the melodies of their second while adding in a few new
riff styles. It’s fairly emotionally complex for death metal, running
through a lot of different moods in a manner that brings to mind early
Enslaved in intent, rather than actual execution. If you’re interested
in finding death metal of recent vintage that compares favourably to old
classics like “An Evil Shade of Grey” and “Pierced from Within”, give
this album a whirl. 8

Seance: Awakening of the gods Seance: Awakening of the gods


Lord K: This is ofcourse not another “Saltrubbed eyes”, but it’s a much better effort than one could expect after that masterpiece. 7

Kampfar: This is not “Saltrubbed eyes”, not a
classic in other words, but when comparing “Awakening of the gods” to
90% of all metal albums ever released, I spent my weekend doing that,
you’ll realize it is indeed a fine album. However, I’m not so sure about
the production, this must be what the know-it-all’s are on
about when speaking of compressed beyond fuck. Mustn’t it? Still, here
is lots of energy and pure dedication, so I salute them here Swedes
nonetheless. 7

Abyss: Lord K digs the shit out of “Saltrubbed
eyes” so he’s gonna say that this is nowhere as good as that album. Me,
who never really cared about him hyping that album. are just gonna
settle for Seance sounding really fucking cool and confident on
“Awakening of the gods”, especially considering main songwriter Patrik
Jensen not being onboard any more. If Seance could perform these songs
live with half the cock n balls they display on the album they’d be a
killer band on any stage. 7

Seker: I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t some damn
decent death metal, but Seance fail to capture the magic of their older
releases. Check this out if you’re looking for some interesting groovy
death metal, but get “Saltrubbed Eyes” first. 6

Vreid: Milorg Vreid: Milorg


Lord K: Some nice At The Gates guitar harmonies
together with a crappy production ends up being a “meh, was that all?”
experience eventually. 6

Kampfar: Vreid doesn’t translate to wrath,
contrariness is the word, so it comes as no surprise that the dudes from
Sogndal – 3 out of 4 used to play in Windir – landed on “Milorg” when
naming their latest. How come? Well, simply because Milorg was what the
(main) Norwegian resistance army, one fighting ze Germans during WWII,
called themselves. Fuck history, what you need to know is that if you
fancy the idea of progressive black/thrash where the p in progressive
doesn’t stand for pretentious, there is a fat chance you’ll enjoy this
one. 7

Abyss: I never listened to Windir so there for I
never noticed that the members started Vreid after Valfar died. I’m
starting think I missed something. “Milorg” has that strange subtle
power that really good black metal have over your senses. There’s a
melancholic feeling in the music that I really like. If I said Vreid are
emotional black metal, would you hold it against me? 7

Seker: This band was formed by members of
Windir? I mean, it’s not bad or anything, but this stuff seems really
confrontational and rock’n’roll-ish when you put it next to “Arntor”.
There are some little Windir-ish moments (acoustic guitars, melancholic
melodies, clean singing), but overall this is a beast of a different
color. 6

Guillotine: Blood money Guillotine: Blood money


Lord K: Kreator called, they don’t want their sound back. 5

Kampfar: Guillotine, I love your energy and dedication, so even though there isn’t one
second worth of original material to be found on “Blood money”, every
single riff old in the mid 80’s already, I’d still like to hand out a
high score to you lot. Put simple, if German thrash as in Kreator and
Destruction is what inspires you to go on with your miserable life, give
“Blood money” a go. Simple as that. 7

Abyss: Sure, Guillotine is a complete Kreator/Sodom
rip-off but when many people have started to doubt the quality of Mille
and Angelripper’s latest outings it’s nice to have a fall-back plan.
Personally I love “Blood money” and think that the songs, original or
not, kick fucking ass and deserve every last listener it gets. 8

Seker: Hey look, it’s the new Kreator! Oh wait,
it’s just some other band that no one cares about. Picture some power
metal guys trying to make a thrash album, and you’ve pretty much got
this album, since that’s what it is. It’s all right I guess, but I’d
rather just listen to Kreator. 5

Doro: Fear no evil Doro: Fear no evil


Lord K: A 400 year old German skank playing heavy metal is not completely my thing. 4

Kampfar: I haven’t had a hard-on for heavy metal in
ages, not even a semi, and though Doro is quite hot, she and her music
does little to change just that. Little, because even though “Fear no
evil” is one of the least cheesy heavy metal albums you’ll hear this
year, quite good actually, it remains a fact that this genre is close to
exclusively inhabitated by unmanly men in leather pants showing off
something they haven’t got. Namely balls. I’d never take any of them
along for a stint at the front, that’s for sure. Doro is indeed a heavy
metal queen, but her minions stays an inferior breed. 7

Abyss: Wow, is old mama Doro still alive and
active?? I’ve never really paid much attention to her; I’ve heard “Für
immer” of course, but other then that, my experience has been limited to
seeing her on countless German festival-posters. Listening to “Fear no
evil” it sounds like Bonnie Tyler backed by Europe, but it’s not as
shite as you’d expect. But then again, it’s not like I’ll bother playing
this ever again. 3

Seker: Doro Pesch has a great voice, and the
hard-rocking classic metal that backs it up is pretty okey-dokey. If
you liked the new Saxon or the new Holy Moses or anything like that,
you’ll probably be into this. 7

Sepultura: A-lex Sepultura: A-lex


Lord K: “Beneath the remains” is a fantastic album at least. 5

Kampfar: Sepultura is not a spent force, not even
close, so feel free to piss me in the face. I have namely assumed so for
something like 10 years now. Derek for president! 8

Abyss: Sepultura definitely found something they
liked on “Dante” and the concept-thinking has stayed with them on
“A-lex”, dealing this time with “A clockwork orange” in all it’s glory.
The ambitions and half of the music ain’t bad, but Derrek Greene is
still the weak link. his voice didn’t cut it when he was just a screamer
and it definitely doesn’t work when he has to do more styles then one. 5

Seker: Anyone that tells you this is good has a
dick in not just one, but both of their ears. That’s two dicks, and
that’s two dicks in two orifices that they shouldn’t be in too many.
Sepultura haven’t released anything worth listening to since “Arise”,
and this faux-thrash crapsterpiece does nothing to change that fact.
Brazilian “Death Magnetic” ahoy! 2

Sylosis: Conclusion of an age Sylosis: Conclusion of an age


Lord K: Another completely identity less act that
pays exactly what a million other bands are doing at the moment;
pointless but catchy, well-executed half metal with Pro-Tools all over
the place. (for your information, this was the longest comment in this
AA from me. On purpose. Fuck you. On purpose). 6

Kampfar: It isn’t the most exciting thing since
torture this, at times downright shitty, but when they aren’t emo and
rather concentrate on spurting out thrash-y riffs they aren’t bad at
all. Seriously, there is some real fucking energy at display here and
the excellent production conveys it very well. Well done, lads, your
music is about 60 times better than your moniker. 6

Abyss: I don’t know about you but when Nuclear
Blast (also responsible for Sirenia, mind you) describe Sylosis as “a
forward thinking UK thrash metal band” I get real fucking scary. Thrash
has obviously been the new black for a couple of years, as seen be
Earache’s roster, and it’s clear NB are hoping some dumb fucks will buy
that Sylosis is thrash. Which they are not. I think they have more in
common with Sonic Syndicate or Trivium. I.e. soulless, by-the-numbers
metal with clean autotune-vocals, lots of melodies and randomly assigned
HEAVY! riffs. 3

Seker: Once again, you missed the metalcore
bandwagon by about two years. You’d better retool your sound with either
a) pig vocals and breakdowns or b) suicidal black metal bullshit if you
want to be cool. How the fuck do you fuck up being a trendy poser? 3

Extreme Noise Terror: Law of retaliation Extreme Noise Terror: Law of retaliation


Lord K: Exactly the kind of bullshit death/grind I do my best to stay far fucken away from. 3

Kampfar: I fucking love extreme noise terror but
Extreme Noise Terror I don’t. I like them, yes sir, but if this band had
been a lady I’d date her until she let me ejaculate over her face, not
until she asked me to inseminate and marry her. “Law of retaliation”
changes none of that. Mental illness aside, this platter is a let-down,
sort of anaemic, really, and I put most of the blame on the production
and its fuck-balance attitude. The guitar(s) sound(s) really rather tame
and turns into a blur when speed is added to the equation; the drums,
and especially the snare, not to be heard when they kick into top gear.
And they do that quite often. Couple all this with a serious vocal
issue, as in them barks mixed incredibly loud, and what you get is an
album I don’t like very much. 5

Abyss: One of the more seasoned grindcore bands and
if it weren’t for the other white meat (also known as Napalm Death)
wiping the floor with this months AA I’d definitely spend more time with
ENT. 6

Seker: The world’s whiniest grindcore band returns
with a slab of stuff that sounds like older Napalm Death only not good
at all. Buy an S.O.D. album instead just to piss them off. 4

Taake: Taake Taake: Taake


Lord K: I’ll taake another listen to my Dark Funeral collection, thank you. 3

Kampfar: If you are after quality black metal, check out any of their other albums instead. 5

Abyss: I think Taake are most famous for sporting a
Nazi swastika as a “funny gimmick” on a gig and the singer dangling his
package for the world to see on some photos. Apparently they also play
black metal. Quality: So-so. Ambition: Not clear. Originality: Zero.
Verdict: fuck if I know. It’s just background noise to me man. 4

Seker: When you have to listen to a bunch of shitty
bands straight in a row, even Norsecore can end up sounding like
fucking Burzum. Taake may be a bit generic at times, but they know how
to write good fast melodic black metal without any bullshit, so that
instantly elevates them above half the bands in this AA. 6

Destroy Destroy Destroy: Battle sluts Destroy Destroy Destroy: Battle sluts


Lord K: The moniker says it all, as if that joke hasn’t been used before. 3

Kampfar: No, no, no, power metal with harsh vocals
is still power metal. “Battle sluts” isn’t shitty bad per se, tolerable
even, but tolerable won’t do, so be damn sure I’ll delete and forget all
about this platter very soon. Soon as in now. Bye. 5

Abyss: This is the kind of “extreme metal” Kerrang!
goes apeshit over. It’s like Turisas or Korpiklaani without the obvious
bullshit oompa-oompa melodies. Meaning it’s not interesting, but at
least it’s not 100% annoying. No wait, it is. Music for idiots. 2

Seker: Fuck off fuck off fuck off you hipster hipster hipster douche bags douche bags douche bags. 3

Chris Caffery: House of insanity Chris Caffery: House of insanity


Lord K: Not in a fucken million years, you power metal idiot. 2

Kampfar: “House of incredibly dull power metal” is
one of the most unnecessary and bland albums ever released. However,
much thanks to the non-existent production values and unbelievably
horrid vocals it avoids mediocrity by a thousand miles and safely
cements itself as absolutely worthless. I’m not so sure Germans should
be allowed making “music” anymore. 1

Abyss: I know this guy used to be in a band. Can’t
remember which, and he’s not good enough for me to bother looking up.
And I’m fairly convinced that he wasn’t the lead vocalist in said band.
This is like the kind of metal King Diamond and Savatage dabble in, only
without the obvious qualities of said bands. Quite forgettable to be
honest. 3

Seker: Hey, remember when Savatage were good? I
sure as hell don’t, because they released their last good album the year
before I was born. This dude is in Savatage, and for what it’s worth,
I’d rather listen to this than “Dead Winter Dead”. It’s melodic heavy
metal with some pretty decent riffs and pretty terrible vocals. 6

Sirenia: The 13th floor Sirenia: The 13th floor


Lord K: I should really like this but even I got some limits. 3

Kampfar: Sirenia is a goth-pop orchestra with a
genuine whore on vocals, one that can’t sing for shit, so since the
skank in question does like 90% of the vocals I arrogantly ski-jump to
the conclusion that her cocksucking skills is what landed her the job.
It’s laughable, really, how she goes on and on about her immensely
broken soul and hurt emotions, all the time it sounds as if she reads
aloud – no emotions attached, flat tone and all – the craptasticly
turgid lyrics at hand. This ain’t fucking singing, bitch. As far as
goth-pop goes, this lots first offering was quite ok. This platter,
however, is catastrophically bad emo bullcrap only those who think of
depression as something cool and trendy could possibly enjoy. I hate
women. And men. Am I evil? 2

Abyss: Fuck no. No no no. If I want metal in the
Eurovision Song Contest I’ll just stab Charlotte Perelli with a dagger.
And if I want the ESC in metal I’ll listen to Sirenia. 1

Seker: Why yes, Evanescence manages to be even worse when sung in a foreign accent! Fuck me, this shit is not remotely metal, no matter what anyone tells you. 3

Stuck Mojo: The great revival Stuck Mojo: The great revival


Lord K: My ass is a better revival. 1

Kampfar: Stuck Dildo performs rap metal. I don’t
like rap metal, never will, but unfortunately it can not be denied that
this lot possess talent and quality a plenty. The music is cheesier than
a dairy, and I really hate the lyrics, but whatever they come up with,
be it country something or plain ole’ metal, they do nail it pretty damn
well. Only a shame this album consists of something like 3% metal then.
A waste of talent. 3

Abyss: Ok, anyone who thought rap-metal would still
be a viable genre in the 00’s? No one? Thought so. So how come Stuck
Mojo are still going? Is there anyone who actually listens to this? To
be fair, it’s not worse then metalcore. Just awful on a different level.

Seker: This is probably the best rap-metal album ever, but it’s still rap-metal, so it sucks. 3


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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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