GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – December 2011

Audio Autopsy – December 2011

01/12/11  ||  Global Domination

Isole: Born from shadows Isole: Born from shadows

6.4/10

Lord K: Of course Sweden delivers in the doom area. Leif Edling of Candlemass should be proud of Isole. 7

Habakuk: Somebody in this band likes Candlemass and heavy guitars. Wait, those belong together. I’ll just say Candlemass. 6

CadenZ: Cool symbiosis between Candlemass-style
doom and atmospheric stuff with tinges of both black metal and indie
rock/pop. Great stuff, quality songwriting and nice arrangements. 8

Revenant: This is the kind of music people either love or not give a shit about. Guess which category I’m in. 5

Smalley: Some of the shit here is good, and none of
it really annoyed me, but the clean, ultra-well-behaved vocalist pretty
much rendered the doom-y riffs ineffective. Not a big fan of the
slowness of doom metal anyway, generally-speaking. Eh, at least this one
isn’t generic. 6

Megadeth: TH1RT3EN Megadeth: TH1RT3EN

6.4/10

Lord K: Dave finally managed to release an album that’s better than the latest offering from Metallica. With that said, you know it’s a terrible month for AA when Megadeth ends up as high as second place. 5

Habakuk: alchemy sorcery wizardry thermatology electricity Plod plod plod plod plod. But yeah, look at Metallica. 6

CadenZ: Ginger Dave has upped the ante with these
last two Megadeth albums, and turning up the intensity a couple notches
has garnered his outfit some much-needed balls. Sadly, his singing is
still not good enough to not annoy, even though it’s somewhat better
here than on “Endgame”. 6

Revenant: I had low expectations in the lead up to
this release, so this came as a surprise despite sounding like a poppier
version of “Countdown to Extinction”. Would have scored it higher but
for Dave’s vocals, which really don’t cut it. 7

Smalley: No major surprises here (in face, you’ll
hear some old songs), but this is still the most energized ‘deth has
sounded in a good long while. Review. 8

Insomnium: One for sorrow Insomnium: One for sorrow

6/10

Lord K: By-the-book metal with some decent growls. I’m not exactly floored. 5

Habakuk: Before you start staring holes into the
sky waiting for a new Amorphis release, you might wanna give this a go.
It’s not bad, but it’s not for me either. 6

CadenZ: Insomnium pump out the same fucken songs in
the same fucken package on every fucken album. The same fucken chord
progressions and the same fucken keys are as overused as fucken penises.
Though penises cannot fucken be overused. No they fucken cannot.
Cannot. Fucken. Canfuckennot. Except fucken Insomnipenis. ‘Cause they’re
fucken stagnation personified. Based on the music alone I would give
this a 6, but since I know what their previous albums sound like, they
don’t deserve more than: 4

Revenant: This death metal with Amorphis-like melody should appeal to me more than it actually does. 6

Smalley: I haven’t heard a single second of any
other Insomnium songs besides the ones here, but if “One For Sorrow” is
any indication of the band’s general quality, I’ve got a lot of fucken
catching up to do; powerful, epic melodeath with balls and beautiful
guitar work/choral vocals?? Fuck yeah, baby. 9

Pain Of Salvation: Road salt two Pain Of Salvation: Road salt two

5.8/10

Lord K: Incredibly talented musicians, incredibly pretentious music, incredibly much not for me. 4

Habakuk: What’s with all those decent, southern, bluesy, twangy sounding bands this month? IT’S NOT METURRL!! 6

CadenZ: I’m so happy these kinds of records still
get made. Artistic integrity, creative variation and an organic, natural
musicality permeate this amazing album. Clearly the winner of this
year’s best Sweprog record, despite the new Opeth release. 9

Revenant: There’s definitely a lot of care and work
behind this disc which leads to some quality unique sounding rock, but
try as I might I just can not listen to this for more than 20 minutes at
a time without getting bored. 5

Smalley: Never listened to these guys before, and
any more looks doubtful now, as I dislike the vocals on the
inexplicably-titled “Road salt two”, and it’s just too too fucken weird
for my tastes. And for a lot of other people’s, I imagine. Gotta admire
their cojones though. 5

Evile: Five serpent's teeth Evile: Five serpent’s teeth

5.4/10

Lord K: Sure, they thrash for all its worth, but
they are not even close to prime time Exodus or the likes. And they
prolly know it too. 4

Habakuk: Evile is a prime example of how modern day
productions can kill any potential and life in thrash bands. Minimal
album-to-album progression doesn’t help things either. 5

CadenZ: Evile always bring quality to the thrash table, but there’s just too much information in the riffs. You can medicate ADHD nowadays, you know. I always get 80’s Metallica vibes from the E-penises, but with virtually no hooks evident in their songs. 5

Revenant: Evile are to 80’s Metallica what Ektomorf
is to Max Cavalera. Then again, with Metallica now choosing to pursue
“other sounds” (that’s as kindly as I can put it), I suppose the
opportunity is there for Evile. Doesn’t make it good though. 5

Smalley: As hard to believe as some GD’ers seem to find it, it is
possible for a non-old school band to create good thrash outside of the
80’s/early 90’s; deal wit’ it already, ya buncha greyhairs. Review 8

Iced Earth: Dystopia Iced Earth: Dystopia

5.4/10

Lord K: One of the most overrated bands around. Iced Earth and their wimpy shit metal fucken blow. Always did, always will. 3

Habakuk: These guys had absolutely left my radar
thanks to their abysmal last string of releases. With a good new singer
(Iced Earth have a new singer?) in their folds, a glimmer of hope has
returned. A few too many fillers keep this from the high grades, though.
7

CadenZ: IE pump out the same songs in a new package
on every album. The same chord progressions and keys are as overused as
penises. Though penises cannot be overused. No they cannot. Cannot. The
new vocalist is great, but the songs are a duller shade of good. 6

Revenant: A step in the right direction for Iced
Earth, that’s for sure. The new vocalist sounds close enough to Matt
Barlow that the fans won’t whine too much, so a win there. Still well
short of their best though. 5

Smalley: Somewhat less boring than the previous two
records, but they’re still basically writing music on auto-pilot. Call
me when you’re ready to be interesting again. Review 6

As You Drown: Rat king As You Drown: Rat king

5.2/10

Lord K: They got the modern death metal logo down
and these Swedes pull of some fine Americanized brutality. The only
problem is that it’s absolutely anonymous. 7

Habakuk: Yeah cool. What else is there this month? 4

CadenZ: The dullest growler since yesteryear spews
out his guts on top of some technical and sterile brutality. Great
musicianship, snoozy songwriting. 5

Revenant: I should thank the band for reminding how quickly deathcore gets dull, but gratitude for that? Not fucken likely. 4

Smalley: Some of “Rat king” is nice ‘n groovy
during the purer death metal parts, and the production has no real
probs, but the constant “in-your-face” death growling grates, too much
of the songwriting is unfocused, and the band can’t seem to pick one
consistent style and go with it. Some of this is good, but they still need to go full DM, streamline the songs, and ease up on the vocals next time ‘round. 6

Krux: III - He who sleeps amongst the stars Krux: III – He who sleeps amongst the stars

5/10

Lord K: Krux always did very little for me and
that’s not changing with this third album. Take away the weird
electronics/keyboards and you basically got some leftover Candlemass
material in front of you. 3

Habakuk: I do not feel emotions with this. Is it
mere carelessness or being numbed by a fuckton of mediocre bands? Alas, I
shall ponder. 6

CadenZ: It’s a sad thing Candlemass is throwing in the towel, luckily we still have Krux. Doomy goodiness with awesome guitar solos. 7

Revenant: In what has to be the worst AA I’ve been
involved in, this sci-fi progfest scores a pass purely by being less
offensive to my ears than the other shitfests I’ve had to listen to this
month. 5

Smalley: Still just as painfully cheesy and bad as it was when I had to Stub it. That album cover’s giving me an eye-migraine. 3

Chickenfoot: III Chickenfoot: III

4.8/10

Lord K: Well-known musicians isn’t a guarantee
you’ll deliver something noteworthy. Chickenpenis’ crap rock is so
boring I just shat blood. Pure blood. 2

Habakuk: I don’t know why I somewhat dig this, but I
do. Fat, sleazy, southern-tinged rock. I hate Black Label Society, but
it’s the only band that comes to mind as a comparison. Anyway, this is
rather listenable shit from start to finish. 6

CadenZ: Competent party rock with more Stones than stones. The line-up promises more than they actually deliver. 4

Revenant: In what has been a pretty dire month of
metal releases, this quality toe tapping rock has been a breath of fresh
air. To my ears. Wait, does that mean they blew in my ear? 7

Smalley: I wasn’t expecting much after I saw this
band name, and this half-assed, country-fried chicken scratch music
didn’t deliver much either. Is there seriously a market for this shit
out there? 4

Landmine Marathon: Gallows Landmine Marathon: Gallows

4.8/10

Lord K: Take Hab’s first sentence, apply it here and change the score to a: 3

Habakuk: Apart from the name, there isn’t much noteworthy about these guys. Decent death metal, nuttin more. 6

CadenZ: The greatest of torture is not to saw off
someone’s dick with a sharp knife. It’s to saw it off with a dull one.
This is audial death torture. 4

Revenant: Death metal vocals from a chick that
don’t annoy. How refreshing. Solid but unspectacular and a little
short-lived, this still ranks amongst the best this month. 7

Smalley: Bland, obnoxious, and forgettable, so forget it. 4

Charred Walls Of The Damned: Cold winds on timeless days Charred Walls Of The Damned: Cold winds on timeless days

4.6/10

Lord K: I used to think Ripper was a great vocalist. That was until he entered every fucken band in the world with his pipes. CWOTD is some cheesy, redundant, modern melodic metal shit with the trademark Ripper-yelling on top of it all. 4

Habakuk: Is this Ripper Owens? Oh yeah, it is. The
poor guy just doesn’t have any luck, it seems. He just keeps on churning
out more run-of-the-mill US metal. 5

CadenZ: Sweaty power metal with evident hard rock
influences. Ripper’s voice is still an unlubricated pain in the ass, but
some cool rhythmic riffing with nice drum chops courtesy of ex-Death
member Richard Christy salvage some of the stew. Still, absolutely not
better than average. 5

Revenant: Why is it the more albums I hear with Tim
“Ripper” Owens on it, the more I want to stab him in the neck? Man his
vocals annoy. Charred Walls of the who gives a Damn sound a lot less
like Iced Earth this time round, largely due to less of the thrashy
style riffing, but I struggle to find anything memorable or worthwhile
in this disc. 4

Smalley: Cheesy, bland, pretentious, light-weight
metal that utterly fails to provoke any kind of reaction except
indifference. Go back to your Judas Priest tribute bands, Tim Owens,
Richard Christy, find a good band to drum in again, and Steve DiGiorgio,
stop whoring yourself to every other new metal band out there. 5

Sinner: One bullet left Sinner: One bullet left

4.2/10

Lord K: Forgive us Father for we have Sinner. 3

Habakuk: From toothless to somewhat ballsy, Sinner
bring it all. I don’t feel more complete than before after listening to
this, though. 5

CadenZ: The 80’s cheese songs are OK, the harder
tunes just bring out a combination of yawns and snorts. Maybe it’s time
to close shop? 5

Revenant: One bullet left? Then get this fucken
band in a line one behind the other for me to shoot at. Hopefully
there’ll be enough momentum on the bullet to kill the fucken lot of them
for producing this tragic cheesy melodic rock shitfest. 3

Smalley: Okay record with some power metal/radio rock influences, but that’s all it is, just okay. Cut down on some o’ that cheese. 5

Five Finger Death Punch: American capitalist Five Finger Death Punch: American capitalist

3.4/10

Lord K: I have an acquaintance who claims he likes
death metal and especially Five Finger Death Punch. Yeah, I know… This
is so tough I just exploded. 4

Habakuk: Tough guy attitude, clean parts, plodding songwriting. A few good moments don’t save this from utter mediocrity. 5

CadenZ: A Corey Taylor wannabe behind the mic, accompanied by modern American metal. This is gay. As hell. 3

Revenant: I actually rate this shit worse than that
“Lulu” garbage. Why? Well at least Loutallica tried to do something
creative. Five Finger Dick Puke have less creativity and imagination
than dried spit. All songs are the same length, structure, everything.
This album is useless, pointless generic Americore horseshit. 1

Smalley: The clean vocals are actually good here
(if kinda generic), but the wannabe cookie monster vocals and “slam”
riffs stink. Again, I don’t really know what the market for this one is,
or what the band is aiming for, but it doesn’t work. 4

Wayne Static: Pighammer Wayne Static: Pighammer

3.2/10

Lord K: This industrial, techno, Ministry wannabe disaster is as fucken awesome as the Wayne-fucko’s hairdo. 2

Habakuk: This is the sample-laden, drum computed
mechanistic album Morbid Angel wanted to release. With the difference
that Monsieur Static at least knows what he’s doing. 7

CadenZ: I wanted to hate this wrong kind of hair
metal with an infernal passion, but it turns out I merely dislike this
corny, stompy, moronic shitfest. It’s about as interesting as listening
to… static. Ha. 2

Revenant: Wayne calls his dick the “Pighammer”.
That’s right, I’m saying Wayne fucks pigs. Wait, I should retract that
before Wayne gets all lawyered up and comes at me with a defamation
suit. So let me state this for the record (and courts): Wayne Static
does not fuck pigs. He only fucks there ears of people who listen to
his… eh… “music”. 2

Smalley: Repetitive, mindless, techno/industrial/evil-disco-wannabe nonsense pap. 3

Lou Reed & Metallica: Lulu Lou Reed & Metallica: Lulu

1.4/10

Lord K: Un-fucken-listenable. In italics. 1

Habakuk: Meta-llica – Putting the Meta in Metal since 2011, and adding the pointless suck.
I’d go one point above the minimum score for their courage of trying
something genuinely new, but putting the Metallica name on this pile of
pretentious ass explosion foils any notion of said courage. 1

CadenZ: When you mix a crappy has-been thing with
an aspiring has-been thing, you know that the fundamental forces of the
universe will be put to the test; a steaming turd pile of this magnitude
creates black holes wherever it is aired, so please turn off your radio
to avoid fecal invasion in the general direction of your brain.
Apparently Lou Reed said that if you don’t like “Doodoo”, you’re just
not intelligent enough. Let’s take a bow to the master and applaud his
guruness and insightfulness, ‘cause let’s face it: he’s right. Only the
truly enlightened could possibly forgive this catastrophe. Reed, please,
kill yourself. Take all your money and build a time machine, fly back
in time and kill yourself before the recording of this… eh… “album” took
place. Repetitive, monotone, forced, untight, banal fucken absolute
shit. Fuck you. 1

Revenant: Artistic conceptual bullshit ideas aside,
there are two reasons why this sucks so bad. The first reason is Lou
Reed, the second is Metallica. Lou should never have been allowed near a
microphone on this project. Happy for him to work on arrangements and
whatnot, but keep that tuneless rambling idiot away from the microphone.
As for Metallica, they were the wrong band for this project as their
style is ill-fitted (thrash + high art? Hahahahaha), plus their
compositions are half arsed and repetitive (and not forgetting the
drumming is atrocious). 2

Smalley: I actually kind of admire this one;
Metallica helped create the worst mainstream metal record of the last
decade, and now it looks like they’ve done it again for this
decade! Bravo, I say; as long as you can make them all as funny as this
one, I say do it again in about 10 more years. Way to anti-achieve. Review. 2

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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