GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – December 2010

Audio Autopsy – December 2010

01/12/10  ||  Global Domination

Enslaved: Axioma ethica odini Enslaved: Axioma ethica odini

7/10

Lord K: I was never a fan of Enslaved but this shit
isn’t half bad actually. The clean vocals aren’t shit either and the
proggy elements really add to making their sound somewhat their “own”.
Kudos to the excellent main riff in “Singular”. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: I did not get all of the hype
over these guys when I saw them live, and this record is not going to
win me over. I have “Ruun” and Vertebrae” but they just do not have any
staying power with me. This is well done, well produced, but unexciting
progressive black something or other. This does seem a bit heavier than
previous shit though, so points for that. 5

Trauma: This is prime titties right here. No
silicon, no saline, all natural excellence. Where Opeth seems to have
lost its way with the more proggy stuff, Enslaved succeeds with it in
every aspect. Ethica Odini has one of the catchiest clean choruses I’ve
heard in a while. What’s even better, is that it flows so well that I
seriously get lost in the music until “Singular” when I finally realize
I’ve gone through six tunes already, and it’s yet to finish. I am
astonished as all fuck by this album, almost in the same way I was with
Darkthrone earlier this year. Yet another going right into my top 10 of
this year, maybe achieving the top spot. 10

CadenZ: Somehow I’m not as convinced as I thought I
would be by Enslaved’s new effort. It’s good, but doesn’t tickle my
groin all too much. 7

Altmer: It’s really nice progressive black metal.
However, I don’t have the feeling I like this album as much as I did
“Vertebrae”. That is because the album peters out a lot towards the end,
even though the first songs are completely ace. Oh well. At least they
didn’t surprise me by playing metalcore or something. 7

Melechesh: The epigenesis Melechesh: The epigenesis

7/10

Lord K: Now this was a surprise. I have encountered
Melechesh in the past and kinda dug what I heard. “The epigenesis” just
convinced me to dig deeper into their discography coz this is some fine
shit that I can see myself returning to every now and then. It’s great
to hear bands understanding the fact that oriental influences in metal
is a good thing. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Israel’s finest metal import
has turned up the groove and melody aspects of their Sumerian brand of
folky black metal and the results are pretty solid. When Middle Eastern
melodies get the heavy metal guitar treatment they sound fantastic. This
is much more like Opeth than Immortal, and that suits me just fine. 7

Trauma: Remember that show Sealab 2021? Remember Hesh? This band’s name reminded me of that as I was going through how this should not be pronounced. Fuck the pronunciation, though. This is catchy half black/half rock-out (take a listen to the opener) and all kinds of good. They kicked ass at the Maryland Deathfest this past year, too. 7

CadenZ: Weird oriental half-blackery. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. 6

Altmer: This is some very busy music. I’m not sure I
can listen to the 72 minutes of this record all in one sitting very
often. However, the question is: is the music good? It certainly is, an
awesome mix of death/black metal and some melodic and weird influences,
exactly what I love. This is a keeper. 8

The Absence: Enemy unbound The Absence: Enemy unbound

7/10

Lord K: Absolutely not as bad as I expected it to
be. It’s evident that Scandinavia’s played a part in forming their sound
and they pull it off all well. Modern metal that should appeal to fans
of… eh… modern metal. Wikipedia tells a story of “an American death
metal band from Tampa, Florida. Their style has been described as
aggressive thrash metal with Scandinavian metal influences”
. I don’t know about the death metal tag, but hey – these guys know what they are doing despite the lack of identity. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: There is nothing new here but
some really excellent guitar riffs and solos help this thrashy melodeath
stand out amongst this month’s offerings. These guys know their shit,
unfortunately At the Gates already perfected that shit fifteen years
ago. Still, a solid record and worth checking out if you like In Flavian
Tubes and Dark Trainquiligay. “Wartorn” may be the best song The
Absence has done yet. 8

Trauma: Yet another pleasant surprise in this
edition of AA. I’m loving all the guitar work, the arrangements,
everything about this album is touching me in all the naughty places in
all the right ways. Enjoyable to the end, more than I can say about
some other entries this month cough*allthatremains*cough. 8

CadenZ: Melodic and technical death metal in the vein of Arch Enemy and Dååth. Amazing musicians, average composers. 6

Altmer: Melodic death metal, yay. What this sounds
like? Arch Enemy with a male vocalist and not as good as said band. Do I
hate this? No, I don’t, not by a long shot, but what exactly the point
of this band is is pretty lost on me since it sounds like… well,
whatever else is fashionista in this genre. 6

Deathchain: Death gods Deathchain: Death gods

6.2/10

Lord K: Death metal hailing from Finland with tons
of blasts and aggression. This one stays in my collection for that
eventual dose of anonymous but competent brutality that you need once in
a while. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: This should be right
my alley, but Deathchain’s thrashed-up version of death metal just does
not do it for me. Dew-Scented, Yyrkoon, Demonoid… these guys have all
done this much, much better. 4

Trauma: Weird ass moniker aside, this is pretty
heavy shit that keeps the assault going just as you like it. I know I
do. They’re not doing a whole lot of shit new, I mean who really is
anymore, but new doesn’t always equal good. I still watch good old
Dirty Harry all the time. It sure still can rip a new asshole on the
“new” stuff. I’m close to giving it an 8, but it’ll settle with a: 7

CadenZ: Apocalyptic bashing of skulls, in style of teh deth metülz. Grin like an idiot and DIE! Clearly the best album this month around. 8

Altmer: Groove, deathrash and all right songs
aplenty. The common problem with this genre is that it doesn’t show a
lot of variety between unique tracks. I like this album, but I fail to
downright dig it because of that flaw. It’s actually more a 6,5 to be honest, but since we don’t do half points, here’s a 6

The Crown: Doomsday king The Crown: Doomsday king

6/10

Lord K: I never understood why people are raving
about The Crown like they are the second coming of Leif Edling. They
still fail to impress me. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: It is definitely good to see
The Crown back in action. Even better, “Doomsday King” is pretty rad and
not just a blastfest from front to back. There is some undeniable
heaviness on here as well as some nasty guitar playing. I am not blown
away by Jonas’ vocals, but the band is as tight as ever and should make a
nasty return behind this baby. 7

Trauma: This is a really good album, and from what I
can gather a really good comeback, but with a major problem. Too
short. The pace is picked up right from the start and it feels somewhat
relentless without being so brutal, but it’s over way too quickly. I
now know what it feels like to be a woman I have had sex with. 7

CadenZ: Relentless but hackneyed, aggressive but
banal. I’ve never been a big fan of The Crown, and “Doomsday Dong” won’t
change that. 5

Altmer: This is some old death/thrash band, right?
That disbanded and then reformed? I’m pretty sure I have the same
problem with this as I have with Deathchain: quality shit performed in a
very boring style. Thrash really always does sound the same. 6

Serj Tankian: Imperfect harmonies Serj Tankian: Imperfect harmonies

4.4/10

Lord K: Serj is a fantastic vocalist and someone I
would consider an “artist”, which is something I can’t apply on too many
musicians. He has a knack for creating quite unique music and it’s a
joy to go thru what he has to offer. And yes, it’s a hella lot better
than SOAD ever were. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: This sounds like the type of
music you would buy at a roadside stand in Tajikistan. No System of a
Down, too much free time, and too much access to synthesizers is not a
good mix for the Serjman. I am sure the lyrics are deep, introspective,
and meaningful. The songs however, are pretty fucking bad. 3

Trauma: This is by far the weirdest entry in this
month’s AA. I don’t even like this guys voice at all, unique as it is.
Just no my cup of tea. Like I said, weird. Weird melodies, weird
arrangements, weird feelings. 6

CadenZ: SOAD was great,
but this is like a travesty of the talent Tankian displayed in his
formed band. And he sings like he’s lost the will to perform well. Fuck
this. 2

Altmer: I am a huge System of a Down fan. But this
just doesn’t float my boat whatsoever. Yeah, there are some rock
influences, but what this sounds like most is recent Muse with more
electro moments. I love Muse too, so now you’d say that works in this
album’s favour. But the electro and orchestral weirdo moments on this
album simply are not as good as Muse, or, in fact anything Serj has ever
written. Serj clearly needs Daron in his music to write good songs. He
can write excellent lyrics, but the songs suck and it was like that on
his last record too – only that was more rock. I guess what I’m trying
to say is: reform SOAD, fuckos. 4

Mushroomhead: Beautiful stories for ugly children Mushroomhead: Beautiful stories for ugly children

4.4/10

Lord K: When Mushroomhead “borrow” from Faith No
More I think they are a great band. Unfortunately this doesn’t happen
for every second of every song, meaning they eventually end up with some
generic “metal” for most parts. Well crafted and ok sounding but still…
Not really all-out working. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: The Shroomers continue to
forge ahead with their genre-bending alt/funk/metal/insanity and I
admire their determination. However, the band has been unable to find
their total groove since switching vocalists a few years back. This is a
good album though that gets more interesting the deeper in you go.
“Burn the bridge” is one of the best and heaviest tracks the band has
done. If the whole album was this heavy, it would be a beast. I am sure I
am in the minority on this panel here but I like this. It’s original
and this month that fucken counts for something. 7

Trauma: The masked boring metal maniacs are back
again. Maybe it’s the production that makes it sound weak and boring,
but I’m pretty sure it’s the songwriting. The chorus in the first track
is truly terrible. Marred more by the vocal melody itself than the
vocals, but terrible it is. After reaching the end, I breathed one
giant sigh of relief. 3

CadenZ: Aggro aggro aggro penis. And some techno synths + FX. Not bad, not good. 4

Altmer: Nu-metal meets industrial. Now if this were
catchy as fuck, I’d be able to give it a high score. Unfortunately The
Metal Gods didn’t allow for that to happen. Most of this is pretty
middle of the road. Wait, no idea where I…oh. Yeah, seeing the rest of
this AA all falls into place. 4

All That Remains: For we are many All That Remains: For we are many

3.8/10

Lord K: All that remains is the fact that this
blows so much goat penis the world just exploded. “For we are many” is a
as wonderful an experience as stapling your vagina to the wall and then
setting it on fire. All. Plague. Metal. Must. Be. Erased. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: This is exactly the type of
American made, melodic metal that you Euros love to hate. Normally, I
would join in the bashing but it pains me to admit that this is not that
bad. The guitar playing is cool, the songs somewhat interesting, and
the vocals don’t completely ruin it. Color me surprised… and gay. 6

Trauma: I’m going to be quite serious, some of this
is okay. It reeks of metalcore. The kind of reek that emanates from
chicken farms: you know, you can smell it from 10 miles away on a day
when the winds decide to change it up a bit. That’s when you say fuck
you, wind! I won’t say fuck you to these guys since it succeeds where
it tries, but for me this is not. 4

CadenZ: Post-op transvestite metal. 5% balls, 5% mangina and 90% gay. 3

Altmer: I am convinced by the moniker that this
album is a ploy by record companies to sell us more watered down teenage
metal albums. It shows in the music: this is generic radio-friendly
bullshit for the masses. Rest assured that I won’t be dancing the hula
because of it. But it’s not completely horrendous. 4

The Birthday Massacre: Pins and needles The Birthday Massacre: Pins and needles

3.6/10

Lord K: Half-metal with chick vocals… Should be my
forte. And sure, it works somewhat but it’s not knocking me out of my
panties. And the moniker for this band is just so wrong. Maybe I just
need to give them a little more time… But for now it’s a: 6

InquisitorGeneralis: If I ever have to listen to another band that sounds like the fucking Bangles-gone-metal
for this shit I am quitting Audio Autopsy forever. I’m serious. First
it’s Liv Dicksucker who sounds like Joan Osbourne passing a kidney stone
and now these morons who really have a Cyndi Lauper thing going on. If
anyone else gives this anything above a zero I am going to cockslap them
at the next Global Domination company picnic. 1

Trauma: Absolutely terrible. If you want some better idea, check out my review . Total suckage, really. 2

CadenZ: Penis and needles, a winning combo. You’ll see what I mean when I MASSACRE YOUR SORRY FUCKEN ASSES. Why am I even listening to this fucken shit?! Fuck you! Die! 2

Altmer: Not very metal, this is more some
industrial-alterna-rock combo with female vocals. It works just fine for
me. I bet Lord K likes the vocals pretty much. I do, that’s for sure.
By the way: if you ever hold a party with a lot of chicks and people
barely into metal, you should play this cos everyone will like it. 7

Liv Kristine: Skintight Liv Kristine: Skintight

3.2/10

Lord K: In one of the weakest editions of AA in a
long time (we say that every month, becoz we can) Liv Kristine’s
“Asstight” wants to add to the suckiness. It’s doing a great job at it.
No, this is not metal. It’s a menstrual mess. Much like her face. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: How did an Alanis Morrisette CD make it into this month’s AA? This is crap. 2

Trauma: I have no clue who Liv Kristine is. But I
do know that I don’t like her voice and this music does almost nothing
for me. There’s some catchy pieces here and there, but I really not
once got into this. The end was the best part about this. 5

CadenZ: No. I will not listen to your whining. Go away. 2

Altmer: Why is this in AA? Don’t ask me. I don’t
see the link with metal, apart from the fact Liv sings for Leaves Ass
(whose metal cred is kind of sketchy anyways). It’s more like some form
of U2-ish alterna-rock. Taken on its merits, however, this isn’t horrid.
Sure, it’s pretty middling and Liv doesn’t have the best voice, but for
what it is, it’s fine, albeit a bit dull. 4

Kiske & Somerville: Kiske & Somerville Kiske & Somerville: Kiske & Somerville

3/10

Lord K: Back in the day I considered Kiske one of
the best vocalist in metal. Then he decided that metal sucked and went
on a crusade to badmouth it. Now he’s back, accompanied by some cunt,
and obviously cheese metal isn’t so bad anymore. He’s still a great
vocalist (and so is the chick), but this shit is so sugarcoated it’s
making me wanna smoke heroin. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: I would rather Kiske piss on my sister than listen to this power/sympho bullshit. Who likes this crap anyway? 2

Trauma: Here’s something that wasn’t quite the
trash I thought it was. It’s actually kinda soulless, but at times when
I just don’t give a fuck, this sounds pretty nice. I mean, as nice as
some metal vocalist duets/vocal one-upmanship records can sound. 5

CadenZ: First song, and they haven’t even bothered
to sync the atrocious fucken vocal harmonies. Why is this chick even on
this record? Everybody’s listening to Kiske anyway. Lose her, and I’ll
add one point. Maybe. 2

Altmer: Haha. It’s power metal with the worst
lyrics I’ve heard this year. No thanks. Fuck Michael Kiske for screwing
up Helloween. No, actually, make that: Fuck Michael Kiske. He’s writing
shit music. Go away. 3

Mortiis: Perfectly defect Mortiis: Perfectly defect

2.8/10

Lord K: Mortiis is only included in this edition becoz of his ears. And his peniis. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: Is this a joke? Is this really
techno/rap/black metal done by some douchebag in a troll mask? After
hearing this abortion I don’t ever, ever want to hear another
European diss on American metal ever again. I would rather listen to
every shitty American deathcore/mallcore/brocore band at the same
fucking time then hear one more minute of this Nordic fucktard shoving
his tiny pecker into a Casio. 1

Trauma: Help me! It kinda really sucks but it’s
catchy. I’m conflicted with this platter of technorock. I want to put
on my leather suit sans buttocks and gimp mask, being led around by Till
from Rammstein, then smacked in the face by his squirting penis… or
that giant box of dildos from the special edition of “Liebe ist für alle
da”. That or I’m stuck in a club tripping on acid and I’m stuck on one
of those dance cages. 4

CadenZ: Some cool grooves and beats, but all in all a poor man’s NIN. 4

Altmer: The weird fucken electro moments that enter
the fray as soon as I started this thing up…creep me out. Massive
Attack? I thought this band was gonna be black metal, but I get
industrial vibes instead. Confusing. Or maybe that was Mortis… anyway.
Fuck it. This shit puts me to sleep. 3

Methods Of Mayhem: A public disservice announcement Methods Of Mayhem: A public disservice announcement

1.4/10

Lord K: Absolutely fucken not. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: So Tommy “Buggus Dickus” Lee
put out his nu-metal demos on the net and let other people remix and
finish the songs. Can you believe it? The end product is fucking absolutely terrible. 1

Trauma: I’m not even going to apologize whatsoever,
but I deleted this really quick. I didn’t make it past two songs.
It’s just so… shitty. It’s like being given a Dirty Sanchez by a giant
Alabama Blacksnake after it’s been in the anuses of Calcutta prostitutes
who just ate a curry feast with a huge side helping of broccoli and
legumes. 1

CadenZ: A band with this much generic suck in their
music shouldn’t be allowed to have the word “mayhem” in their moniker.
In fact, a band with this much overall suck in it shouldn’t be allowed
to exist even in the worst possible scenario of hell on earth. This
might very well make it to my top 10 of all-time worst records. If you
like happy, senseless and plastic late-1990’s American radio pop/rock
a’la Weezer – you deserve to be killed. By death. 1

Altmer: Hahaha. What the fuck. “Drunk Uncle Pete
can’t stand on two feet”. Classic fail. This sounds like Fountains of
Wayne, yet isn’t as hot as Stacey’s mom. Bonus points for the comic
factor, severe minus points for sucking cock otherwise. Longevity not
included, because this stops being funny after like one song. Yes, I
turned this fucken idiocy off after that. 2

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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