GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – December 2008

Audio Autopsy – December 2008

01/12/08  ||  Global Domination

Deathchain: Death eternal Deathchain: Death eternal

7/10

Lord K: Deathchain can be compared to a bulldozer
of Polish and American origin, ready to roll down the streets with no
specific target in size. Meaning they set out on firing their lethal
ammunition any direction they can, not caring for shit about eventual
innocent casualties. I’ll gladly be a target. Fire away, cunts. 8

Kampfar: Deathchain hails from Finland and performs a rather relentless variant of death/thrash. And they do it well. 7

The Duff: Some good black/death; I approve very
muchly, but you’ve probably heard this from many other bands. Still, all
very well executed, some talented musicians indeed. The score is mainly
down to the band’s proficiency, as you can find better, but the guys
have a very good grasp of the sub-genre. 8

Abyss: Another of Kai Jaakolas many bands and
together with Deathbound this is definitely the strongest one. Very
competent death/thrash with nice variation in both pace and riffs. I
need to check out these guys’ previous albums. 7

Seker: Well, here’s a more modern and more
convincing version of the whole black/thrash thing Darkthrone is doing. I
guess I’ll give them another point. 5

Evocation: Dead calm chaos Evocation: Dead calm chaos

6.6/10

Lord K: So, Evocation prolly jack off to memories
of Dismember (but hopefully not to ex-drummer Fred’s playing) while
watching TV where a gay convention takes place, featuring A-mongo Amarth
and a few members of Unleashed, on prime time. All this result in a
(semen) load of catchy melodic death metal. And I dig it. 8

Kampfar: “Quality through and through, yet hardly
offering a minute’s worth of mentionable material”, is all I care to
write about Evocation and their fucking “Dead calm chaos”. 5

The Duff: Oh man. Intro, yeah baby! Makes me close
to shutting down by the first track – you ain’t fucken Dissection,
comprendeis amigos? Terrible, just terrible vocals, and the riffing is
just as lame as the slow-leading to fuck all introduction. But then
“Angel of Torment” kicks in, and I’m greeted with fine Swedish ol’
skool. Contributions by legends such as Dan Swanö? Should guarantee
quality. Almost everything else here kicks ass; proper, sweet Swedish
riffing, so I don’t know why they opened with the first two tracks; a
bland moment here and there (in true Unleashed fashion), mainly the by
numbers melodeath. So it is a: 7

Abyss: Death. Good, I like death. So does
Evocation. They actually kick ass and sounds really good doing it. It’s
just a shame they weren’t named Ewok-nation, how awesome wouldn’t that
have been? Not really, since Ewoks are just gay sex-toys for Wookies to
ass-fuck and further more… 7

Seker: Swedish death metal that isn’t original or
good enough to make me take out the Grave CD from my CD player. It’s
still reasonably well-done, and doesn’t seem terribly fake or contrived;
just boring. 6

Bullet: Bite the bullet Bullet: Bite the bullet

6/10

Lord K: There’s not one single band in Sweden apart
from Bullet that is recreating the days of old (Accept, AC/DC and the
likes) with so much honesty and emotion. If you ever are about to hold a
party and none of the giants of the 80’s can show up to play – book
Bullet. Weird that the copies beat the originals in 2008. 8

Kampfar: Bullet sounds like a hybrid between AC/DC and UDO. Or was it Accept? Fuck it. 4

The Duff: The beginning is pure awesome; the rest?
Well, I already have the new AC/DC, so reckon I’ve got my fill of
easy-glide rock n’ roll, but this is actually very entertaining. I can’t
deny this album’s fun factor, and the opening seconds on repeated
listens still bring me out of the blues of having tugged it too many
times today already and my little fella just not responding to
encouragement. 8

Abyss: Considering how limp AC/DC made me you might
be surprised that I actually like Bullet. But what separates the clone
from the original is that Bullet has a bit more heavy metal in their
rock n roll-cocktail, both musically and in the Udo + Brian
Johnson-vocals. Still, half the album is pretty much a repetition of the
other half. 5

Seker: Don’t need this generic heavy metal. Vocals piss me off, and the new AC/DC is better. 5

Memory Garden: Carnage carnival Memory Garden: Carnage carnival

6/10

Lord K: Alot of people have a beef with Stefan’s vocals. I think this is the kind of vocals that are supposed
to be used for a band like this, so fuck you. The Candlemass of today
could use a big shovel of Memory Garden’s asses… er, I mean composing talent.
They fire up shitloads of groovy riffs and headbanging heaviness
together with top notch musicianship and a nice production. What the
fuck more can you ask for? Actually, alot of things, but Memory garden
do not need them to compose very fine (doom) metal. Oh, and do not
forget those fucken fantastic guitar solos. 8

Kampfar: The cover-art adorning “Carnage carnival”
is fucking ace, the music isn’t, but if you happen to be a big fan of
heavy metal/power metal I think you should give it a go. See, Memory
Garden isn’t exactly free of talent, nor do they rave on about dragons
and princesses, so I guess they are worthy some sort of recommendation.
Nah, fuck off. 4

The Duff: Why is this one of the best albums in
this Audio Autopsy edition? Don’t know what you would tag this, but it
isn’t great. Quite a big Dream Theater vibe, so in buying this you’d
probably get the Berklee-trained masters circa “Train of Thought”, but
without the technical grace or the absolute know-how of how to structure
a song. So, a second-tier Dream Theater without the experience meets
Iced Earth. 5

Abyss: Heavy doom metal with emphasis on “heavy” on
all parts except for the vocals. Something about Stefan Berglund’s
voice irks me, something with the tone. Anyways, musically Memory Garden
have definitely taken cues from Abstrakt Algebra and to some extent
Candlemass. A hard album to judge, it’s most certainly not anything
wrong with it, but it lacks that “I really need to listen to this.
Now!”-element. 7

Seker: Candlemass imitation, huh? You don’t see
that every day. The gay modern clean choruses have got to go, but the
riffs are reasonably solid. 6

Thyrfing: Hels vite Thyrfing: Hels vite

6/10

Lord K: The day I care about Thyrfing is the day my
penis is replaced by a black dwarf in a robe singing Limp Bizkit tunes
every time I’m about to take a piss. I don’t even know what the fuck
that means. 4

Kampfar: If you’ve never heard a band labeled viking metal perform proper fucking music before, give Thyrfing a go. 7

The Duff: I used to love this band back with
“Urkraft” and “Vansinnesvisor”, but lost track of them afterwards; maybe
I’ll chase down their immediate-past album on the strength of “Hels
vite”. I always mistook Thyrfing as a band to release similar albums
back to back, much like Amon Amarth, but there’s quite a bit of
evolution on this record, with influences like Agalloch hitting you
within the opening seconds. I miss the bombast Viking nature of earlier
releases, things leaning more towards “teh epic”, and the band’s true
gem remains “Vansinnesvisor”, but this is still a very strong release
that would undoubtedly grow on me given time. 8

Abyss: The Swedish viking metallers have always
been a hit or miss kind of band for me. Mostly they fail to impress me
but every album has one or two homerun’s like “The Voyager” or “Jag spår
fördärv”. On “Hels vite” the gold medal goes to “Griftefrid”, other
than that the songs have become longer since Jens Rydén joined, but not
necessarily more interesting. 6

Seker: No more folk metal for me thanks, I’m
driving. Okay, fine, it’s not that bad, but nothing to write home about,
and Bathory did it better the first time around. 5

Satyricon: The age of Nero Satyricon: The age of Nero

5.6/10

Lord K: So, this is what Satyricon sound
like? At times they absolutely shine (listen to the start of “Black crow
on a tombstone”), but for some reason they fail to grab me completely. I
must say that Satyricon definitely sounded less than a vagina than I
imagined even if we are not talking John Holmes balls here. The weak
guitar sound and the somewhat muddy production is a drawback. 6

Kampfar: I haven’t been in love with a Satyricon
album since “Rebel extravaganza”, but that could very well change
speaking “The age of Nero”. Razor-sharp, clinic and cold, yet with soul a
plenty, is my summary of this here fine disc. I already know I like it
very much, just not sure if I love it yet. 8

The Duff: This is my first experience with
Satyricon, not being a crazy BM nut. Apparently this is a return to
form, but I can’t say I’m impressed; it’s sterile, which can be great,
but unfortunately not a lot of the music is hitting me in the right
spots. The repetitiveness sure isn’t helping; whereas some bands repeat
riffs for the sake of ambiance and achieve their purpose gracefully, the
whole deadened, almost mechanical feel of the songs nulls a great part
of the music’s appeal. It’s a shame, because with the artwork, I wanted
this effort to lure me into the Satyricon world; in the end, this isn’t
something I’ll be playing at all in the future. 5

Abyss: I recently read an interview with Satyr and
he seemed like an intelligent and proud individual, almost arrogant. He
obviously was very proud of “ The Age of Nero” and certain it was a
modern classic. Strangely many people seem to agree, people I usually
have pegged as pretty clued-in. I just hear a continuation of the
black’n‘roll introduced on “Volcano” and “Now, diabolical”. Over the
years, the delivery seems to become more soulless as the songs become
less catchy, leaving… nothing. 5

Seker: I am thoroughly offended by the fact that
Satyricon deigned themselves worthy to call a track “Commando” without
any hint of: a) dropping people off of cliffs b) eating green berets for
breakfast c) throwing circular saws Snake Plissken style or d) letting
off some steam Bennett. Other than that, it’s just boring mid-paced
“black” metal with the name of a Roman emperor tacked onto it to give it
a sense of weight and sophistication that it couldn’t achieve
otherwise, seeing as it’s just a retread of “Now, Diabolical”. Poor
Frost must be so bored with these drumbeats! 4

AC/DC: Black ice AC/DC: Black ice

5.6/10

Lord K: I absolutely love some of the
early AC/DC albums. This one sounds just like all the 400 other AC/DC
albums I never listen(ed) to. Still, it’s AC/DC, meaning it’s good no
matter what. 6

Kampfar: What is there to say? Hmm, “Black Ice” is
AC/DC through and through, only this time their music got a bit more
blues to it than usual. I think. And think only, because I’m not the
most avid fan this legendary band ever had. Very far from. Sure, I
respect the fuck out of them, but that alone doesn’t make me dig their
music very hard. And sure as hell not for a whooping 15 songs. Zzzzzz. 5

The Duff: Sounds like a proper AC/DC album to me,
some good stuff, but I’ve never been a fan. I’ll give it a seven because
it isn’t up to the standard of their great shit, but where a whole
bunch of bands are releasing sub-par comeback albums or whatever else,
AC/DC stay ahead of the pack by releasing exactly what fans expect of
them – some decent rock tunes that aren’t particularly head-spinning. 7

Abyss:All’s the same in AC/DC-land and nothing new on the southern front. Kill me, please. 3

Seker: This was a good album. It’s not quite as
good as some of their older stuff, but like the new Motörhead, it
compares favorably to their back catalogue. It’s played with conviction
and a general feel for what makes good music versus what makes good
product, so it’s instantly better than most music out there. Whether or
not that’s worth driving to Wal-Mart is another matter… 7

Cradle Of Filth: Godspeed on the devil's thunder Cradle Of Filth: Godspeed on the devil’s thunder

5.6/10

Lord K: What album is this? Number 14? 20? I wouldn’t fucken know, I never cared much for COF.
The pigvocals are ofcourse present and irritating, but what catches my
interest this time around is some of the phenomenal orchestrations. It
sounds like the Cradle I have heard before and I guess that’s a good
thing if you are into them. For me it’s just another band in my iPod
who’s doing their thing real well, but it’s never making me a huge fan. 7

Kampfar: Cradle Of Filth is a quality orchestra with an ugly pretto-midget on vocals and in charge. 6

The Duff: I luuurve the album title. I’ve never
been a fan of this band, the last disc I checked up on being
“Nymphetamine”, but I reckon they’re talented, and probably on par with
Dimmu Borgir, for whom I hold a great deal of admiration with all albums
released prior to “Death Cult Armageddon”. Where the latter has become
derivative, Cradle of Filth seem to be writing some very strong
material. I’m surprised, especially considering they’ve been going for
about fifteen years now. I can even tolerate Dani Filth’s vocals, but
then he’s drastically reduced his high-pitched wailing. Very impressed
by the orchestration on this disc, filling out the music as opposed to
acting as a crutch to very watered down musicianship. 7

Abyss: Somehow Cradle of Frogs became the
Darkthrone of satin ‘n’ lace-black metal, meaning they realized that
punk is the new black metal, and decided to cram it into their original
sound, awkward as it might be. Truth be told, the music has never been
CoF’s problem, it is of course Dani’s horrendous vocals. He’s the Lars
of Metallica, the Dave of Megadeth and the entire band of Trivium. The
one member everyone hates but you just can’t get rid of him. 4

Seker: I don’t know why these guys are even called a
black metal band: they’re just generic gothic music with some lifted
Iron Maiden riffs. This sounds like most other Cradle of Filth albums,
so take that as you will. 4

Pain: Cynic paradise Pain: Cynic paradise

5.4/10

Lord K: He sure got a talent for writing catchy
shit, good ol’ Peter. I’m not completely sold on what Pain is delivering
though. The material is too uneven. You know what this is about;
semi-metal with sing-along choruses and a killer production. “Follow me”
is a fucken great track though, made even better with the addition of
the new Nightwish cumbucket. Hire her for more shit, Peter, you hear? 6

Kampfar: Peter is a hero, much like you aren’t, but
“Cynic paradise” is nonetheless an album I’m likely to never spin
again. It’s not bad per se, just a bit too eco-friendly for my cunt and
I. Think recycled. 5

The Duff: So Peter Tägtgren strikes again, and once
more the product is a mixed bag of good and goddamn awful. Overall, not
a great effort, and I reckon a great deal of the positives are because
the dude reminds me of Devin Townsend when shitting out a two tonne
brick at times. The lyrics are very bad, and I’m surprised to say even
the production isn’t up to what’s expected of the man. Yeah, can’t
stretch it any further than a: 4

Abyss: Just when you think Peter Tägtgren has run
his Pain as far as he can take it he comes back with another bag of
surprises. In this case it comes in the form of Nightwish-singer Anette
Olzon and country-slideguitars. The duet is a stroke of genius, it
sounds like what Peter’s been missing all along is a strong(lunged)
woman by his side. 7

Seker: Peter, you just put out a Pain album like
last year, now get back to Hypocrisy. This isn’t bad though, just not my
cup of electro-metal catchy pop tea. 5

Yngwie J. Malmsteen: Perpetual flame Yngwie J. Malmsteen: Perpetual flame

4.6/10

Lord K: It’s Yngwie. I should automatically give
him a 10. Problem is that Yngwie lost his ability to write good songs
some 25 years ago and apparently lost his production ears in the
process. When was the last time Yngwie had a good production? 1953? He
is still a legend in my book, thanx to the fantastic first albums, but
being the world’s best guitarist doesn’t help when you can’t write songs
anymore. Then again, it’s been his dilemma for most of his career. No
matter what, I love Yngwie and he still deserves the given score below,
ofcourse. But that album cover… Man… I’d fuck him in an instant for old
times. Er… wait… That didn’t come out right. 5

Kampfar: Lars Johan Yngve Lannerbäck is supposedly a
fantastic guitarist. And I don’t care. Neither do I care about this
band of his, one playing not very fantastic heavy metal exactly. In
fact, the only factor differing this lot from the rest of the shitty ilk
is the at times excessive soloing courtesy of Yngwie “I can play with
my hands on fire” Malmsteen. Fucking pathetic on par with his chest
this. 3

The Duff: I don’t like Yngwie Malmsteen much, even
though he’s a formidable player. Tthe only thing he’s played that, to be
fair is mind-blowing, I consider enjoyable is the track “Black star”.
The guy is just not much of a musician, despite all the theory he knows.
Add to this the fact that he can’t play any of these techniques slowly,
thereby automatically making me a better guitarist than him. And I
can’t get all too excited about where he’s taking his music these days. 2

Abyss: For being an Yngwie-record there’s a
surprising amount of actual songs here. There’s even vocals. Sure,
there’s guitar-wank all over the walls and ceiling but none of it gets
in your eye and blinds you. At least not in the sticky jizzy kinda way. 5

Seker: Well, this is Yngwie’s first album with a
good singer in quite a while, and naturally it’s his best album in a
while as well. If you liked his stuff in the 80’s, you’ll probably like
this: it has the same dark fire behind it. Definitely a winner for me. 8

Deadlock: Manifesto Deadlock: Manifesto

4.6/10

Lord K: Full coverage here. In short: Sabine’s vocals are beautiful and the production is cleaner than Jeffrey Dahmer’s dinner table. 7

Kampfar: “Deathrace” alone makes this band worthy
of a collective death sentence, no doubt, but before injecting the
lethal doses of something nasty I would pad their backs and tell them
they sure had talent and qualities aplenty. If you by any chance hunger
for quality melodic death/thrash entirely ruined by a chick screaming
all over to the place, have a go. 5

The Duff: Hmmmm. 1:10 minute opener? Wonder what
that could be? I was guessing Soilwork from the get-go, and
lo-and-behold, the aforementioned band mixed wit’ da Evanescence,
although the band would probably say late In Flames with that recent
female collaboration. Electro-shit meets lazy death, ugly-ass vocals and
sickening production. And what is it with flashy guitar playing that
helps the song develop nada (so you’ve guessed I’m not Spanish…)? Really
need to learn the technique and then how to integrate it into a song –
the guys can play, but I’m not impressed with the lifeless delivery.
“Nuh-uh” might be the noise I make during climax, but not this time. 3

Abyss: I never realized Deadlock were such hippies.
An entire album about how much the environment are crying and animals
slitting their wrists in angst, how’s that to headbang to? Well, not
bad, there’s some parts that actually sound ok and some, not many, that
sounds really good. The cheesy rapping at the end of “Deathrace” is not
one of them though. 5

Seker: Oh hey, the new Evanescence is out. These
guys are listed on their MySpace as xDeadlockx, they sing about
veganism, they’ve released two albums in the last two years, their album
has a bonus track called “Planetakis vs. Deadlock DJ Morgoth Remixxx”…
If you’re still planning on checking these guys out, you might want to
find a new genre of music to listen to, because this whole metal thing
ain’t working. 3

Oceans Of Sadness: The arrogance of ignorance Oceans Of Sadness: The arrogance of ignorance

3.4/10

Lord K: Their moniker fucken sucks. Their music is
not far from fucken sucking either. Actually, it’s dead close to do so.
Actually, it’s spot on Teh Suck. While I prefer bullshit metal like this
to badly produced music like Darkthrone, there’s no way I can score
this higher. Coz what it comes down to is that it, yep… fucken sucks. 2

Kampfar: This bands music is every bit as
pretentious as their name suggests. More precisely, “The arrogance of
ignorance” consist of 80% pretto and 20% metal. Something like that. 3

The Duff: There are some good parts to this disc,
but some really bad parts too. I’m getting prog a la Ayreon, power
cheese/soft-core rock (kinda like H.I.M.), folk, melodeath, heavy metal,
quite a big Fear Factory vibe, and Ultravox(?). It’s all too much of a
mash-up overall, and so on the whole I can’t say I’m getting into this
too easily. 3

Abyss: Oos (hehe) seemingly does everything right
to fit in among the Olympians of goth/prog metal. They record in
Fascination Street, are produced by Jens Bogren and have artwork by Seth
Siro Anton. Oos obviously would like to be mentioned in the same breath
as Katatonia, Opeth and Pain of Salvation and they’re close, I give
them that, but while the songwriting is decent I miss those really,
really memorable parts that takes an album from cool to indispensable. 6

Seker: Since this sticky sweet morass of melodic
death riffs and saccharine vocals kinda gets on my nerve, I will
continue to remain ignorant of this band’s back catalogue and thus
arrogant in their ey-OH SHIT is that some Evanescence-style clean vocals? You just lost yourself a point, assholes. 3

Darkthrone: Dark thrones and black flags Darkthrone: Dark thrones and black flags

3.4/10

Lord K: Jörgen Sandström absolutely adores
Darkthrone. I’m starting to think he’s stone deaf. There are a few good
riffs here and there, unfortunately everything is ruined by a horrendous
production, out-of-tune guitars and ridiculous vocals. I miss the days
of “Soulside journey”. 2

Kampfar: “F.O.A.D” was a bad album, “Dark thrones
and black flags” is even worse, this thanks to one of the worst vocal
jobs ever. In fact, through and through this shitter sounds like a
talented duo – after all they are responsible for “Ravishing grimness” –
doing their utmost to suck. Mission accomplished. 4

The Duff: Can’t say I’m digging this; recent
Darkthrone has been spectacular, with albums like “Hate Them” and “The
Cult is Alive”, but the band is pushing the boat out too far – I hear
that they already have a new album written by this point? Anyways, the
riffs are good but don’t seem to go anywhere, and the vocals have taken a
serious turn for the worse; Fenriz’s drumming (of which he hasn’t been a
practitioner for many years, apparently) is terribly sloppy – the
desired effect for such a lax training regime – and yet wouldn’t seem so
bad if the guitars weren’t so well produced (for a Darkthrone album). I
would avoid this. 4

Abyss: At first I liked Darkthrone’s change into a
more punk-inspired sound but after a good ol’ blaze in the northern sky I
realized that Fenriz and Nocturno Culto are just continuing their Alice
in Wonderland slide down into mediocrities asshole. Population: a whole
lot of shit. 3

Seker: Oh man, that Danzig impersonation is pretty
atrocious. Other than that, this sounds like the last Darkthrone album,
which sounded like the one before it; self-consciously ironic 80’s-style
thrash metal with, as Kreator would say, no reason to exist. 4

Lordi: Deadache Lordi: Deadache

2.4/10

Lord K: Mock them all you want, the joke isn’t over
and if you dig the old classic hardrock of the 80’s – you’ll dig this. I
definitely appreciate it for what it is, but I had my hard on for the
80’s in… the… eh… 80’s. Or something like that. 5

Kampfar: This bunch of Finnish fucknuts once won
the Eurovision, and could probably do it again. At least their music is
catchy and shit to the core still. I fucking hate entertainment, almost
entirely, though I must admit their masks and costumes to be very well
made. 2

The Duff: I hate this band; they deserve nothing but failure. 0

Abyss: A Eurovision Song Contest winner does not a
good band make. The singer’s favourite band is Kiss. That should tell
you something. 2

Seker: Wow, these guys are still around. Gwar is a
lot funnier, and a lot harder, and generally just more fun to listen to.
Generic 70’s arena rock for the generic crowd. 3

Unsun: The end of life Unsun: The end of life

2/10

Lord K: While Vader lost a guitarist, Mauser
himself lost everything he ever built up with that band by releasing
this embarrassing bullshit project. Holy fucken asshole this is some
hideous half-metal with vocals I don’t even like, and you know how sold I am with chick vocalists… That says it all. Stay the fuck away. Far, far away. 3

Kampfar: Wow, one must admire the creative gone
into the word-play this ass band use as a moniker. Just taste it, Unsun,
that’s like an inverted sun that isn’t there, or something. I must now
stop marveling, that before my head explodes, but before I go I’d like
to recommend the guys and gal in question to give unsuck a go. Quit
already. 2

The Duff: Mauser’s new band, eh? I think I’d take
the new Lordi over this, but then I hate Nightfish-type bands. This
isn’t such a thing at all, but much, much worse – can’t figure out
anything more to say other than this is possibly the worst album I’ve
ever heard in my life (I don’t mean this in the cliché sense); I
actually feel bad for Lordi giving them the same score as this, but my
hatred for their music kinda stems that far too. 0

Abyss: Oh please no. Mauser, what have you done? It
was obvious that Peter would continue unhindered with Vader, so where
does that leave you, Mauser? With a shitty goth metal band with zero
reason to exist other than keeping the missus happy. Shit. 2

Seker: Wow, that chick is pretty hot. I guess I’ll ignore the fact that this sucks. Or not. 3

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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