GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – August 2005

Audio Autopsy – August 2005

01/08/05  ||  Global Domination

Nevermore: The godless endeavor Nevermore: The godless endeavor

6.7 /10

Lord K: I always loved Sanctuary to the fullest.
Nevermore never(more) got to that level with me and it’s going to stay
that way with this album. Even though the disc is all fine, it’s nothing
close to Sanctuary. “Battle Angels” rule. Nevermore doesn’t have a song
like that. 7

Syrrok: I absolutely LOVE some of the riffs on this
bitch. It’s too bad Kip Winger makes yet another appearance in the
vocal category. There used to be this thing you could hook up to your
stereo that would cut out the vocals on a tune. I gotta find that. The
others in the band has to know the singing has got to go, right? I mean,
what the fuck? 5

Farlus: I really wanted this band to suck balls
because Desert Eagle likes them and I wanted to make fun of him for
liking them. I even laughed half-heartedly at the vocals when I heard
them. Then I realized they’re alot like the vocals of other bands I dig.
And I couldn’t stop banging my head. Damn you, Desert Eagle. This band
rules. I need to check out their back catalog. 8

Desert Eagle: Ten bucks says that K says something
like, “Sanctuary is better.” Fuck that. This is top-notch material right
here. If you don’t know what Nevermore is about you better find out
real quick, soldier. Nevermore is back. 9

The Abyss: Fuck I don’t know man, those vocals are
pretty horrible. People I know have been raving about Nevermore for some
time now but I just can’t seem to see what’s so special about them.
Sure, the playing is flawless, but I’m just not feeling the songs. My
left side of the brain says I should dig the fuck out of this but my
right side (and my nuts) have even forgotten the name of the damn album.
4

Derek: I’m not sufficiently old school—or just
plain OLD—to appreciate Sanctuary, the precursor to Nevermore. I’ve
enjoyed some of Nevermore’s work; “Dreaming Neon Black” was excellent.
Still, more often than not, this band leaves me bored. The production on
the band’s previous album, “Dead Heart in a Dead World” was so
horrible, I bet Bob Rock called up Kelly Gray and said “dude, your album
sounds like shit, if that snare was any worse Lars would be suing your
ass”. (I haven’t heard the Andy Sneap remix of the album. I don’t care
enough to look into it.) That said, this album is the best Nevermore has
done. I managed to get all the way through the record, twice, and
didn’t want to shank Warrel Dane. Extra points for getting James Murphy
to appear on the album. 7

Arch Enemy: Doomsday machine Arch Enemy: Doomsday machine

6.7 /10

Lord K: You know quality is coming yer way when
we’re talking Arch Enemy. If you dig them or not is a different issue.
With me they have their moments. Angela is finally sounding really good,
which is about fucken time. The Slayer-flirt in the intro of “Mechanic
god creation” is cool. So is the Sepultura drum-theft starting off
“Machkampf”. I dig this more than I ever thought I would. Definitely
AE’s best album this far. 8

Syrrok: Chick growlers suck, bottom line. The
production and tone is there, but when the vocals kick in you just wanna
pack it in and shove your head in a toilet bowl. This isn’t a concert, I
can’t see her tits, so… 3

Farlus: I haven’t really paid much attention to
this band since “Wages of Sin” came out. I listened to it, I remember
not liking it, and that was that. This album, I like. It’s not
incredible, and I can’t really say how it compares to Johan-era AE
(because I’ve never heard it), but I still dig it. Any band that can
find a chick as hot as Angela that can growl like she can deserves some
credit. Just a little more effort from the backing music and they’d be
even better. I didn’t realize they even did melodic material but they
whip it out often here. It’s definitely worth a listen. 7

Desert Eagle: I could stand Angela’s voice for one
album and that one album was “Wages of Sin”. It’s just annoying thinking
how much better Arch Enemy would be if they didn’t kick Johan out. Oh
well, at least she’s hot. 7

The Abyss: A solid release from the swedes, making
it easier for me to ignore the lackluster effort that was “Anthems of
rebellion”. Angela seems fully at ease in her position as vocalist now
and the brothers Amott are as sharp as ever. Very good shit! 7

Derek: Despite all the praise heaped upon Arch
Enemy, and the Amott brothers, I’ve never really given two shits for any
of their music. Sure, they’re really skilled; boring people to death is
something I would consider a skill. Ever since they ditched Johan
Liiva, I have been reading tons of hate towards Angela Gossow (the gasp
chick who replaced him). Aside from the fact that she is clearly
abusing her access to distortion technology for her vocals, this bitch
sounds fucking evil. (Cupped mic and all.) With a set of pipes like
that, I bet she hums a mean cock. That’s right, I’m demeaning her as a
professional woman in the music industry. I also insinuate that a lot of
male musicians are homosexuals; so all you feminists can get over it,
take off your shoes and bake me a fuckin’—pie if you’ve already folded
my laundry. This is good shit; the best they’ve done in my books. 8

The Black Dahlia Murder: Miasma The Black Dahlia Murder: Miasma

6 /10

Lord K: Oh my… THAT’S how you kind of blow me away.
Intense, insane and most of all; fucken catcy and brutal. Having a
title like “I’m charming” while playing this music kills me. And I love
being dead. The best album in this edition. 8

Syrrok: Ass riffs on top of hardcore singing. Throw
in some “punk-beat drums” and you got an album that isn’t unlike the
other albums in this AA. Shitstorm of the century. 2

Farlus: These guys have the ability to write some
massive, heavy, dark music. I’m really amazed at some of the stuff they
have on this CD considering their live show was utter shit. I was under
the impression that this band was metalcore from their name and
appearance but they’re really far from it. While sometimes repetitive, I
like most of this CD. 7

Desert Eagle: This guy’s voice is like one of those
tiny dogs going YIP YIP YIP all the time. How annoying is that shit
man? Throw some good riffs in and you got something that could have been
good if it wasn’t totally ruined by the little dog. 5

The Abyss: I don’t know who Black Dahlia is but
it’s a good thing he/she is dead because it makes for a pretty good
bandname. Much to my surprise, the music isn’t halfbad either. It’s the
(now infamous) melodic death schtick with some (very sparingly) hints of
black metal venom. Out of the two yanks trying to copy the Gothenburg
sound in this edition of AA it’s no doubt that the crown goes to The
Black Dahlia Murder, further exemplifying just how much work As I Lay
Dying need to put in to become even somewhat decent. 5

Derek: This was probably the biggest surprise of
this edition of Audio Autopsy. I enjoyed “Unhallowed”, the band’s
previous effort, but thought it lacked anything substantial to
differentiate it from other bands in their genre. With this record,
they’ve laid down some bloody footprints and blazed their own path
through metalcore. Sick-ass riffs, insane drumming, mild hints of
melody, and vocals that bring to mind Seth Putnam mixed with
decipherability. These are some truly heinous lyrics; I fuckin’ love
‘em. It’s like leper porn; it’s nasty, gross, and yet you can’t look
away—hoping to watch a cock break off in someone’s ass. This is the
audio equivalent of a dead hooker, covered in syphillitic semen,
swarming with horse flies and hungry homeless people; an icon of
brutality and sickness. I fuckin’ love it. 9

MindGrinder: Riot detonator MindGrinder: Riot detonator

5.2 /10

Lord K: Alot more death metal than expected since
the “MindTech” album caught me a bit off-guard with the neat technobeats
and whatnot. Some electronics are still here, but it’s more flat-out
metal this time around. Definitely a step up, but still nothing I’d pull
out my pubic-hair in joy for. 7

Syrrok: What an original fucken moniker guys. Oooh!
My mind is totally grinded! Look out, these guys are on top of their
game! And by “on top of their game,” I mean, they suck more than the
suckers suck on cock. Garage/basement metal tunes for sure. 1

Farlus: While I was taking breaks between yawns I
did hear a couple of cool sounding things, but then those pesky yawns
returned. You won’t be missing much if you decide to pass this one up.
Decent at best. 3

Desert Eagle: Mindgrinder is sort of like asking
for a steak but getting a really sweet cheeseburger instead. I mean you
definitely wanted a damn steak but, hey, this cheeseburger is actually
really good. That’s not to say that Mindgrinder is REALLY good but you
know, analogies can’t always be perfect. 7

The Abyss: If the idea of Discharge having sexual
intercourse with your sister freaks you out, then imagine them fucking
the entire Bay Area thrash scene! If that idea DOES appeal to you I have
two things to say to you. Lend an ear to MindGrinder. And come out of
the closet already. 5

Derek: I’ve been meaning to check this band out
since Flack gave these guys a glowing review a year or two ago; if
someone with extremely picky death metal tastes liked these guys, they
had to be good. So good, in fact, that until having their latest album
land in my lap—for this month’s AA—that I never bothered to listen to
them. Shame on me, because these motherfuckers are seriously good at
what they do. Like Devilyn, these guys aren’t earning any originality
points for their music, but they make up for that by making the songs
sound like more than a bunch of proficient musicians working their way
through Standard Death Metal Riffs 101. This is an excellent soundtrack
to things like savage beatings, pistol whipping your girlfriend, or
asphyxiating a hooker who just snorted all your coke and told you she
has 5 different venereal diseases. 8

Devilyn: 11 Devilyn: 11

5 /10

Lord K: Everything death metal from Poland sounds
the same to me nowadays. Not that I mind it too much since they
obviously know how to do their shit. Nice Opeth-theft in “God eater”.
Devilyn might have a shit-moniker, but their stuff is nothing close to
faeces (Main Entry: fe·ces. Variant: or chiefly British fae·ces
/’fE-(”)sEz/ Function: noun plural: bodily waste discharged through the
anus). 7

Syrrok: Devilyn sounds so SPOOKY! Like a big house
of terror and scary demons!!! Look out little Timmy, don’t go around the
corner! Devilyn will lock you in a room and make you listen to their
sub-par death grind bullshit! If Devilyn were a futbol team, they’d be
the Manchester ‘cantmakegoodmetal’ Suckass. 1

Farlus: Death metal. Nothing more, nothing less.
This band offers nothing groundbreaking, but they don’t necessarily do
anything wrong. They remind me a bit of Suffocation, but don’t ask me
why. Something I’d throw on randomly if I was in the mood for standard
death metal. 5

Desert Eagle: Well the music is certainly
interesting, but that doesn’t exactly mean anything. I mean, hell,
someone playing the kazoo with their asshole would be interesting. I
guess it’s pretty brutal too but, eh. 5

The Abyss: Ahh, the smell of Zubrowka in the
morning… if this ins’t a Polish band I’m gonna eat my none-existant hat!
Sounding like equal parts later-day Behemoth and old school Vader you
just know this is good shit! 7

Derek: The name had me expecting some sort of
chick-fronted goth band with overtly homosexual male musicians. It’s a
good thing I don’t always listen to my initial thoughts on things,
otherwise I might never have discovered Devilyn was actually a
derrivative death metal band consisting of Polish dudes who may, or may
not enjoy penetrating each other’s anuses with cocks, fists, and any
other spare implements. Standard grindy riffs and click-click-click kick
drums are what these guys are all about. It’s a good thing they
probably don’t live and die by my approval of their album, otherwise I
would thoroughly encourage them to eviscerate themselves with olive
forks and pack their bleeding innards with salt. Boooooring. 5

Accursed Dawn: Manifest damnation Accursed Dawn: Manifest damnation (The creation affect)

5 /10

Lord K: With a very cheesy and generic war-intro
they set the standard for the rest of the album. Actually, that’s not
entirely true (but it’s more true than false) since AD’s got some cool
shit going on here and there in their deathrash-world. It’s a shame the
vocalist, the production and the pretty lame drummer destroys it
completely. At The Gates inspired more bands than we will ever know. Not
that it’s making AD any fucken good whatsoever. 3

Syrrok: Too bad they’re the first band to come up
alphabetically. K’s on my ass to get this done and I’m out of beer. As
if things weren’t bad enough I actually have to listen to this shit
train. Generic, boring, uninspired tripe. 1

Farlus: This band didn’t really strike me as being
anything special upon my first listen. I decided to give them another
chance and I’m glad I did. I really like the raw production of the CD.
It gives the band an extra intensity to their sound that makes it feel
much heavier. I dig the intro clip taken from “Lord of the Rings”. It
definitely sets the tone for the rest of the album. Solid effort. 7

Desert Eagle: What’s funny about this album is that
it really grooves but it’s boring as hell. So just imagine me sleeping
and kind of bobbing my head at the same time. I sleep naked. Oh, vocals
are awful too. 4

The Abyss: An American band that borrows not only
from black, melodic death, grind but also heavy metal; it’s not wonder I
was abit baffled when I first heard Accursed Dawn’s debut album and
after repeated listening I must, to my surprise, admit that the whole
thing actually works pretty well. The heavy metal-aspects are largely
limitied to the lead-work and that’s a good thing IMO. I think this band
will make alot of noise in the coming decade. 7

Derek: Right out of the starting gate, I knew these
guys had some black metal influences. My tip-off was their rather
relaxed—if not fumbling—grasp on the English language. (The Creation
EFFECT, you cockbags!) Musically this stuff’s OK, but it’s a fairly
standard mixture of death and black metal. Clicking kick drums, minor
melody (musician joke!), and garbled sound is basically what you’re in
for with these guys. If you’re retarded, or indulge in too many
recreational drugs to care that this is the same shit 1,000 other bands
have recorded, then hurry the fuck up and buy this. Otherwise, just
throw on something you already have and read the lyric book from another
random album. 5

Soilent Green: Confrontation Soilent Green: Confrontation

4.7 /10

Lord K: First time I hear Soilent Green and honestly, it was better 2 hours ago. 3

Syrrok: This is alright stuff, but nothing that
will cause the average file-sharer to close the porn links and look for
the rest of the album. Plenty of gusto here, no good music! 3

Farlus: I’m curious to see how my hometown boys
fare against the AA jury. This band is really a love or hate
relationship. If you don’t like the thrash/blues/speed combination that
they do so well, you’re not gonna like them. I personally dig the fuck
out of them, especially after seeing them live so many times. They put
on a great live show and I just dig the fuck out of their style. Ben’s
vocals on this record are much more brutal that previous efforts. That
man is a beast… He goes from nearly dying to coming back and putting
forth this effort. I applaud him and the band. Another solid effort from
Soilent. 8

Desert Eagle: I knew as soon as I heard one of my
friends saying how great this band that they would suck. Guess who it
was? It was either my friend Tony (never right) or me (always right).
Still can’t figure it out? Maybe you should lick my steaming asshole
then. 3

The Abyss: Dunno how to classify this band, some
kind of hardcore/sludge mix? It’s mostly fast msuic with shouted vocals
and alot of temposhifts with a very dirty, swampy sound. Interesting,
but not purchase-worthy. I give ‘em A for effort though. 5

Derek: I love Soilent Green (part of a
well-balanced breakfast), but this album sounds way too much like
Pantera with sludiger, more down-tuned riffing. The vocals are sick as
ever, and the tunes are well written, but I don’t get the same sense of
enjoyment from this material as I do from “Sewn Mouth Secrets”,
“Pussysoul”, and “A Deleted Symphony for the Beaten Down”. I like it,
but it’s definitely my least favourite Soilent Green album. Check it out
so you can be part of the “I’m cool because I listen to Nola metal”
club; you can crank this album while you and Farlus rape metalcore fans
with broken broom handles. 6

Darkane: Layer of lies Darkane: Layer of lies

4.3 /10

Lord K: Another one of those Swedish well-played,
well-produced, sing-along-choruses-bands that gives me nothing.
Absolutely nothing at all. Leave the Meshuggah-riffing to Meshuggah.
They are the only ones who can handle it even if they can’t compose
actual songs anymore. Darkane’s got better production than songs. 4

Syrrok: Oh Darkane, what do you have to give us
other than sideprojects that sound better than your real band? This
album makes me want to sit underneath the sink and poke myself in the
thigh with a fork. Fuck. 2

Farlus: I was expecting something completely
different than what I got from this album. Usually bands with “Dark” in
the name are black metal… Dark Funeral, Darkthrone, Dark Night in the
Grim Frostbitten Forest of the Northern Viking Lord’s Vacation House in
Norway, etc. However, this ended up being sort of a thrash cacophony. It
was kind of cool at first, but I ended up disliking the album more and
more as it went on. These guys remind me of someone, but I can’t quite
put my finger on it. Ah well, regardless, I’m not a fan. 3

Desert Eagle: I’m sorry I haven’t checked this band
out sooner because this is some awesome shit. Don’t really know what to
call these guys but great screams and drums mixed with some melodic
guitars equals awesome in my book. 8

The Abyss: I lost track of Darkane after “Insanity”
and it seems that was a mistake. “Layer of lies” are frantic and
aggressive as well as showing some hints of melody and clean vocals here
and there without going overboard. Not enough quality songs though. 6

Derek: I think Soilwork’s “Stabbing the Drama” sort
of explained the fact that this kind of melodic metal is getting really
tiresome. Sure, this album is pretty heavy; it’s brutal in all the
comittee-approved places, with the requisite amounts of “soulful”
singing. Jesus cocksucking Christ-on-a-stick, this is so expected… It
might as well be Soilwork, or any number of other Swedish bands playing
this style. These guys can play very well; why the fuck don’t they try
something remotely new? Every time that processed clean voice came on it
put me to sleep. Burn. 3

As I Lay Dying: Shadows are security As I Lay Dying: Shadows are security

3.8 /10

Lord K: I fucken hate copycats. If they don’t copy
Alice DeeJay that is. Take any half-metal band with “catchy” (read
“cheesy”) and “hard” (read “boring”) riffing, and you got this. At least
TRY to make something of yer own. And while you’re at it, shoot yer
vocalist. 3

Syrrok: The future of metal right here, right?
Bullshit. This scream-o, Desert Eagle-frogshit is about all I can take.
Since I’ve seen these guys a few times I can attest to the drummers
talent, but outside of that you have nothing but kids who are boring. 2

Farlus: I wish I could use my standard “Fuck
metalcore” line here, but I can’t. I like this album. I could do without
the typical metalcore guitars and emo vocals, but when they just shed
that skin and just play balls to the wall heavy music, I dig it. More
stuff should be like this. 5

Desert Eagle: Does anyone really expect a high score from me on a metalcore album? Well, surprise surprise, I’m not giving it one. Hah! 3

The Abyss: So this is what the americans call
melodic death? To say that this has been done better before is like
saying that the bomb over Hiroshima was a somewhat loud bang. At least
there’s some redeeming qualities, if not in the creativity-department
but in the musicality, I think… No wait, it sucks. 3

Derek: Ever since Metal Blade signed As I Lay Dying
and Black Dahlia Murder a few years ago, they’ve been whoring them out
like a hooker trying to make her pimp’s bail money—fast ‘n furious. I
can’t say I blame them; I happen to really enjoy As I Lay Dying. Sure,
they’re definitely rooted in the ever-expanding yet somehow stagnating
metalcore scene. Still, As I Lay Dying manage to write some truly savage
songs that, surprisingly, don’t suck. Sure, you’ve heard a lot of this
kind of stuff before. The same can be said about a lot of the so-called
good music out there—these lads manage to pull it off. I like this
release a lot better than “Frail Worlds Collapse”, as the production
value isn’t quite as sterile. 7

Cancer: Spirits in flames Cancer: Spirits in flames

3.8 /10

Lord K: “You won’t see the sun. You won’t see no
rain. Won’t see the moon. Or the snow again”. I’ll tell you what, you’ll
never see me play this incredible piece if bullshit-plastic again. 2

Syrrok: What the fuck kind of band is this? I hear
some thrash, some CoC, some Danzig type stuff, some Fireball Ministry.
What a gaggle of crap! Drums sound pretty though. 3

Farlus: This has got to be the most repetitive,
boring album ever. That comes as a big surprise to me because “To the
Gory End” was a great album. I guess this is the band’s attempt to
relive the glory days, but they don’t pull it off. It’s hard to do so
after going 7 years without a release. When the band does manage to
write a riff that’s cool and works, they drive it into the ground for
the entire length of a song. You seriously get sick of each song about
halfway through. What a disappointment. 2

Desert Eagle: I suppose this one might get high
marks from all those “Remember the good ol’ days…” idiots, but not from
this young cat. That’s right, I said it. Anyways, this shit is laughable
at best. 3

The Abyss: Yet another reformed 80’s death metal
band I’ve never heard about. UK’s Cancer have been gone since 1995 but
still sound pretty lively ten years later. The guitars, the production,
the vocals, it all sounds very death metal á la Sunlight/Morrisound.
Groovy shit but I doubt they will gain alot of new fans in this day and
age of metalcore. Shame really. 5

Derek: Until now, all I knew of this band was that
they once had James Murphy playing guitar for them. Since I’ve never
heard anyone rave about his work with them, I ignored the band entirely.
All I can say is that if their earlier work is half as good as this
album, why the fuck aren’t these guys more popular!? This is some
quality death metal, totally thrashed up. These guys prove that the name
cancer isn’t just about little bald kids on IV drips, wearing cowboy
hats and kickin’ it with Jerry Lewis; Cancer also means quality fuckin’
metal. (Although, one of those kids might be cheaper to buy. I hear they
don’t eat much.) 8

Nuclear Assault: Third world genocide Nuclear Assault: Third world genocide

3.7 /10

Lord K: Another classic band decides to reform and
release a complete shit-album. Never did I think Nuclear Assault, one of
my old fave-bands, would be capable of creating something so incredibly
fucken poor. Embarrassing. Complete and utter shite. 2

Syrrok: Some more geriatic metal. Someone’s
continuing to live out that one night in 1987 that they got to open for
Megadeth (Nuclear Assault, I’m lookin in your direction). Hang up the
guitars. Fuck it, please break the guitars. 2

Farlus: “Whine and Cheese” does not belong on any
metal record, period. I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done, I
don’t want to hear shit like that. And even though “Long Haired Asshole”
made me laugh, I don’t want to hear that on a metal record either.
Otherwise, this band strikes me as being a bad Anthrax clone. Never
listened to them before so all I’ve got to go on is what I’ve heard
here, and what I’ve heard is mediocre. 4

Desert Eagle: Crotchduster is a perfect example of a
band that can make fun of metal and still kick ass at the same time.
Nuclear Assault is the exact opposite. They are joking right? 2

The Abyss: 80’s thrash with the ol’ NYHC shouty vocals. Not bad for an old corpse, but not exacly stunning. 5

Derek: Old school thrash doesn’t get me too
excited; most of it’s just really fast, poorly played metal with
exceptionally wretched vocals. Nuclear Assault are the only band for
which I can ignore my conceptions of thrash and enjoy. Ever since “Hang
the Pope”, these guys have been a classic favourite of mine. This album
is pretty standard fare for the band; heavy, angry songs, and a slight
dose of humour (see: “Long Haired Asshole”, the acoustic track). While I
won’t be shaving my ballsack and tattooing the band’s name on it any
time soon, I did enjoy this record and suggest that anyone claiming to
be a fan of thrash should check this shit out. 7

Flotsam and Jetsam: Dreams of death Flotsam and Jetsam: Dreams of death

3.3 /10

Lord K: The Flot’s are back! I have so waited…
These are the giants of thrash metal. Legendary Flot’s people. The
Flot’s are the essence of thrash. Not. Fuck off. Let the corpse stay
dead. Or atleast let the corpse higher the guitars in the mix so we can
hear the shitty riffs a bit better at least. 2

Syrrok: Does anyone really keep up with this band?
Do they have real fans outside of those who know the name from Newstead?
The fucken meds are catchin up with these guys. Time to take up
farming. Please drop your instruments. 1

Farlus: Flotsam and Jetsam is another “classic” old
band that I’ve never taken the time to listen to. Not sure what their
old stuff is like, but this album sounds like another attempt to relive
glory days that just fails. I don’t get into this at all. Like other
albums of late, there are some cool parts, but they don’t hook me long
enough to have any effect. I am completely unmoved by this recording. 2

Desert Eagle: Another band that should have called
it quits long, long ago. It’s decent power metal at best and awful power
metal at worst, yeah. 4

The Abyss: Jason Newsted used to be in Flotsam
& Jetsam. Now, with that out of the way, let’s concentrate on the
music. You may or may not know this (I didn’t up until now) but F&J
aren’t half as fossilised and boring as I’d have thought. It sure as
hell won’t rock anyones world in 2005 but “Dreams of death” decent
enough prog that, with greater ambition and a few new ideas, probably
could elevate the band abit higher on the musical foodchain. 5

Derek: Wasn’t Jason Newstead in this band? This
album has some other dude named Jason playing bass; and he’s actually
quite good. I am not really into this band at all, but their particular
style of thrash metal is pretty damn cool—especially when it comes to
the bass lines. The vocals make me deathly afraid of falling asleep on
my stomach with the frontman anywhere within a mile of me. (I kid, I
kid! …He’d probably spike my drink anyway, and then irrigate my
colon.) This stuff’s decent, just not my thing. It sounds kinda like
power death metal. That’s not something I ever wanted to think about. 6

Monarch: Monarch Monarch: Monarch

3 /10

Lord K: The only good thing about Monarch is that Hate Eternal’s new album has the word in the title. 2

Syrrok: You’re kidding right? Where did these guys
come up with the $50 to record this high-quality demo? If you’re reading
this looking for something to help you decide whether or not to buy
this album, let me say this: If you buy this album not only will you not
like it, but it will also fill you with such rage that you will swear
off music forever. I hope you have a lot of DVDs. 0

Farlus: At first this just seemed like some crazy
noisecore or something, but as the album progressed, the band showed
great diversity. They go off onto little dirges that remind me alot of
Mastodon or Pelican, especially with the raw production of the release.
With a name like Monarch, you had better fucking rule, or I’ll sue your
ass for false advertising. This band does indeed rule. 7

Desert Eagle: Why is it that bands these days feel
the need to punish their listeners? Seriously, what’s with noisecore and
corecore and all these other bands doing dumb shit like minor seconds
all the time and awful atonal sections? How can people enjoy it? They’re
just trying to suck and you fools are eating it up. 2

The Abyss: I don’t know what genre this is but it’s not very good. 2

Derek: Would an Audio Autopsy be complete without
some run-of-the-mill death metal? IT WOULDN’T, COCKSUCKER! (Write that
one down.) I’m seriously out of things to say about generic death metal
bands so these guys have lucked out. On the (HIV) positive side of
things, Monarch write short songs—most of them around 2 minutes—so at
least they don’t bore me to death for very long. The release of this
album coinciding with that of Hate Eternal’s “I, Monarch” is something I
will chalk up to coincidence rather than insinuating that they’re
trying to confuse the average death metal fans (which isn’t very hard; a
bar of soap and natural sunlight is enough to render them helpless.)
GRRR! DEATH … AND STUFF! 5

Static X: Start a war Static X: Start a war

3 /10

Lord K: Suprisingly catchy at times. Suprisingly gay at times. Suprisingly boring at times. But I love the electronics. 4

Syrrok: They thought bringing the asian back in
leau of the child-molester would reap benefits. It’s better than their
last album, but that’s just like saying a blowjob is better than a
shovel to the face. Everything relies on Wayne’s voice, but
unfortunately it can only carry so many boring ass riffs. Programmings
are dick as well. 4

Farlus: This band just keeps going down. I think at
the center of the downfall is Wayne Static. He sings like a fuckin
douchebag now. This band has really lost its balls. There are a few
sparse moments where they sort of sound like their old selves, but it’s
obvious that it’s really over for this band. They’ll never be able to
recreate the furor of their first effort. They need to just hang it up.
The record is better than that pile of junk “Shadow Zone”, but still
below average. 4

Desert Eagle: Bitch, please. 2

The Abyss: Oh for fucks sake… -1 (yes that’s a negative 1)

Derek: While ex-guitarist Tripp Eisen was busy
diddling little girls via the Interweb, Static-X was busy committing an
equally heinous afront to humanity; recording another album. Although I
did purchase, and enjoy “Shadow Zone”, there was nothing remotely new or
fresh about it. Since day one, these guys have been riding White
Zombie’s balls. Until now, that methodology has worked for them—their
first three records were excellent. Now, I don’t know what the fuck to
think. Sure, the songs are fairly groovy and catchy, but when I sit back
and think about it, I already own these songs—several times over—on the
other Static-X albums. This shit really feels like the band is going
through the motions; “oh, better write some more Static-X songs” instead
of trying something different. If you don’t know about this band, just
buy this album and save yourself $60 and ignore their previous albums,
you’ll already have ‘em. Otsego-derrivative. 5

Stratovarius: Stratovarius Stratovarius: Stratovarius

2.8 /10

Lord K: Last year’s madness of Timo Tolkki is way better than the band. 2

Syrrok: Winger is back! Who knew Kip still had the
rock inside! What a wonderful surprise. So lovely I think I’ll go
outside, pick some flowers, and then run into the street and bang my
head on the center median. Do I hear operatic singing? Oh Kip, you did
it again. 1

Farlus: Gay. 1

Desert Eagle: After massive mental breakdowns,
outrageous lawsuits, new chick singer that took stupid pictures, and god
knows what else, Stratovarius have finally settled their shit and
released an album. The end result? Typical Stratovarius. So, pretty good
then. 7

The Abyss: Though not as insanely
happy-happy-joy-joy power metal as before; Stratovarious still sounds
like shit. Kotipelto still can’t sing for shit so he feels it’s
necessary to scream out ever line as loud as he can instead, Tolkki
still likes to masturbate all over his guitar and the keyboardist keeps
insisting on following Tolkki’s example. Granted, there is a slightly
darker and more serious undertone to the musc then before, but depsite
that Stratovarius remains the most overhyped power metal band of today. 2

Derek: Didn’t someone in this band get abducted by
aliens and sent to a nut house? Last I checked, Blabbermouth was posting
about two stories a week detailing how much everyone in this band hates
each other… Whatever the case may be, they managed to put out a fairly
decent record. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still flamming power metal, but
at least these guys can play well. I would expect nothing less than
effeminate power metal from a band that pees on each other on stage.
Some of the lyrics and pseudo-operatic vocals are a bit much to take,
but the music’s pretty good. I would never actually spend money on this
music, but I can appreciate that these guys are talented. That doesn’t
spare them from my wrath, however. KABLA KABLA… 4

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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