GLOBAL DOMINATION

IS DEAD

Audio Autopsy – April 2011

Audio Autopsy – April 2011

01/04/11  ||  Global Domination

Volturyon: Coordinated mutilation Volturyon: Coordinated mutilation

6.6/10

Lord K: To choose the winner of this month’s AA
proved to be an easy task. Voltytytrruuiiionnn play death metal the
Americanized way with the difference they have some good songs and
riffs. I can’t help but to take a huge liking in it and
Volttyyyrtrtrtrtryyyooon takes the cake and runs with it, not sharing
any of it with their lesser colleagues in this edition. As always,
Swedes do it better. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: Sweden has no problem pumping
out no-frills death metal. If you like Facebreaker, Ribspreader,
Paganizer, Rogga’s Farts, Grave, or Unleashed than this will appeal to
your heavily-bludgeoned senses. I like “Coordination Mutilation”, but
there is absolutely nothing original or creative going on here. 6

Habakuk: I didn’t know that mixing Cannibal Corpse
with Blood Red Throne sounded this good. Focken A, nobodies with the
evil computer name! 8

CadenZ: Grinding corpses like a Fisherman’s Friend.
Get it? Hehe… get it? Got it? Hehe…? Me neither. But they do sound like
Cannibal Corpse. 7

Altmer: What did I just turn on? It sounds like
hellfire and brimstone, but not in a pleasant way. Once the band gets
grooving it’s all right, but holy fuck do those low cookie monster
growls piss me off. Brutal death metal, it is not for me. 4

Ava Inferi: Onyx Ava Inferi: Onyx

5.2/10

Lord K: So this is what the old Mayhem
dude is up to these days? Can’t really say that my pants are dropping in
awe over any of it, but Rune (that’d be the old Mayhem dude) and his
band fire up the occasional decent riff beneath the anonymous, soulless
and monotonous female vocals. The talent and opportunity is there to
make something good, but still this missile is missing its target. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: What do you get when you mix
gothic and doom metal with female vocals and former members of bands
like Mayhem and Forgotten Suns? An album that totally fucking blows and
is sure to be loved by Lord K. 2

Habakuk: Soon, every opera singer will have her own
band supporting her with attempts at epicness, standard riffing and the
odd soulless male counterpart. These guys here try the “slow with
haunting melodies” approach, but I can definitely think of better things
than being haunted by slow opera. 5

CadenZ: Background muzak with some cool riffs.
Nothing’s wrong, except I don’t get very excited, but I guess that’s the
point with muzak. 6

Altmer: Yeeaaaaaah. The groove in the riffs is
enormous. It’s a pity they need some more punch, but they rule all sorts
of shit. The chick’s voice is great, the music is great, everything
about this album is great. It’s a sort of epic goth/doom kind of thing, a
la Draconian and such. I am very much into this. I dig. 8

Crowbar: Sever the wicked hand Crowbar: Sever the wicked hand

5.2/10

Lord K: Kirk and the gang’s been creating some
seriously slow and depressing stuff every now and then and I have always
been a (somewhat) fan of the guy’s vocals. “Sever the wicked hand”
sounds like I remember them, but ultimately adds nothing to my
impression. Gotta applaud the guy’s ability to come off with his own
style of playing the axe though. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: I like Kirk the guitar player
from Down much more than Kirk the frontman of Crowbar. There is some
good stuff on here but nothing that is amazingly awesome. Slow, low,
heavy as shit, and sometimes a bit boring.5

Habakuk: My first try with Crowbar: Awesome at times, sometimes too dragging. I love how Kirk sounds like Tom Angelripper, though. 7

CadenZ: Why so serious? Did your dog die? Your
hamster? Having your period? Craving for some ice cream, wrapped in a
blanket on your couch? Wanna suck a dick? 3

Altmer: I don’t get why these Mr Fat Dude Taking a
Shit vocals have to be there. When they’re clean and all Alice in
Chains-esque groovy, it’s ok, but god, do I hate those
hardcore-influenced tough-guy Mr Constipation vocals. The music is some
sort of slowed down version of Pantera. I guess it’s like the southern
type of groove metal you could find in Texas. Tattooed necks and all
that. I don’t think this is for me. 5

Deicide: To hell with god Deicide: To hell with god

5.2/10

Lord K: Had Deicide called it quits after “Once
upon the penis” they’d been remembered as one of the finest acts in the
death metal scene, ever. Now they are just churning out albums for the
sake of it, continuing to ruin the legacy they built with the first 4.
Santolla’s solos are still massively out of place and you will find no
remarkable tunes on “To hell with god”. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Most new Deicide might suck,
but this doesn’t. I like this hateful slab of brutality quite a bit. It
is good to hear some blasty Florida style death done well again. 7

Habakuk: Sounds surprisingly thrashy, but loses a
lot of steam in the long run. Glen Benton’s vocals are great, and some
tracks in the middle of the album are pretty damn convincing, including
the Santolla solos even. Still, I wouldn’t call this a relevant effort.6

CadenZ: Lo! More Christ-bashing, mindless bashing
and slashing. Behold! Finesse count below zero. And thus, another
Deicide album is born. 5

Altmer: To hell with your god-awful drum
production, your shitty vocals, and your mediocre death metal. Fuck you
think? Hang it up, Glen. If you can’t even be bothered to produce your ALBUMS properly then I can’t be bothered to give you a good, solid grade. 3

Evergrey: Glorious collision Evergrey: Glorious collision

5.2/10

Lord K: With like 90% of the band leaving before
this album you’d think Evergrey would be in all kinds of trouble. Not so
much, mainman Tom is still running this ship and knows how Evergrey are
supposed to sound. So fear not, the cheese is ever-present and so are
his emotional (and sometimes quite irritating) vocals. Yeah, the riffs
are there as well and all in all this is another quality effort from
Evergrey. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: More like EverGAY! Has anyone
else made that joke yet? Suffice to say, I hate power metal and when
bands like Evergrey mix it with Dream Theatre style progressive elements
my hate goes through the fucking roof. No amount of talent can make up
for bad, annoying, obnoxious style – which Evergrey has in spades. 3

Habakuk: Newsflash: metal is a diverse genre.
Proof: this is very well done, but I don’t like it. So, just regard me
as a counterweight to the at least two people in this edition that are
almost guaranteed to sing praise above and below my paragraph. 5

CadenZ: The bass sound has a beard. Magic.
Professional stuff, this. Quality’s OK, but fuck, guys – I’m doing my
best here to focus on the music but it just keeps fading… into the…
background… Ooh, a nice guitar solo! And another choruzzzzzz… 5

Altmer: This sounds like an Evergrey album. Some of
these tunes are really inspired, as per the usual, but most of the
album just isn’t catchy enough. It’s sad that they try so hard, but they
always just fail to make the cut for the real classic bands. But
they’re a good substitute when you’re just looking for anything that
rocks, dark and melodic, no frills. And the opener “Leave it Behind Us”
is just a fantastic tune overall. However, this album, just like
everything else I’ve heard by them, just is not consistently good enough
to rank among the elite. 7

Omnium Gatherum: New world shadows Omnium Gatherum: New world shadows

4.6/10

Lord K: When the opening track’s 9 minutes make you
fall asleep, completely bored out of your arsehole, you know it’s time
for some Blümchen on the stereo. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: Ium likum thisum melodicum deathum metallum, minusum theum keyboardsum. 6

Habakuk: I could pretty much copy/paste my Evergrey text here. 5

CadenZ: Finnish melodic (death?) metal with some
doom influences. Slightly above average. Very slightly. Teeny weeny.
String bikini. OK it’s average. 5

Altmer: Hear ye, hear ye! Swallow the Sun (with
tempo x 1.5) is back, now with more shitty growls. Man, this would be so
much better if they had a good singer… If you’re wondering about the
music, it’s melodeath, Finnish style. That means that there is really no
reason to listen to this. Just put on the Dark Tranquillity albums in
your collection if you want this done well. 4

DevilDriver: Beast DevilDriver: Beast

4.6/10

Lord K: I can never let go off the fact that DevilDriver is an incredibly shitty name. These guys aren’t far away from the APM
(you should know what this means by now) tag, but somehow they manage
to stand on the right side of the fence and not come across as complete
idiots. DD can shit out some decent metal at times despite the
irritating modern day production. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Devildriver is a poor man’s
Lamb Of God, just like Coal Chamber was a poor man’s Korn. There are a
few good moments on “Beast” but too much of this is caught in the
netherworld between thrash metal, metalcore, and melodic death metal. 4

Habakuk: Professional and skilled execution, sick
production, aggressive demeanor and still, it’s ultimately boring.
DevilDriver haven’t changed one bit. 5

CadenZ: Good job, first riff of the first song:
total Meshuggah rip-off. Facepalm deluxe. Not all is lost though, this
Amero-metal is groovier than most of their wanna-be tough brethren, but
that doesn’t count for much, does it? 4

Altmer: I don’t care about this album. That’s
really all there is to say about it, since it’s some sort of metal, it
has vocals, and it’s pretty loud. It exists. I need more than existence
for me to like an album though. So DevilDriver can go away. 5

Darkest Hour: The human romance Darkest Hour: The human romance

4.4/10

Lord K: This American Plague Metal bullshit bores
me so much my cock just exploded and spread its parts all over Sweden.
Absolutely useless and without any identity whatsoever. This genre must
be deleted. By any means necessary. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: Metalcore that focuses on good
guitar playing and melodies instead of tough-guy breakdowns can be
good. Darkest Hour is an example of this. 7

Habakuk: For some reason, I was expecting something
completely different than this melodic, well, hardcore, almost? Yeah,
almost. Hardcore sound with metal songwriting maybe? No, I don’t want to
say metalcore, as this lacks the gay, clean vocals. Overall, it does
get a bit same-y and their Latin skills could use some improvement
(“Terra Nocturnus”), but there is some light even in the ba-doom-tish! –
darkest hour. Some songs actually hit the mark. 6

CadenZ: Darkest Penis, your modern-day sob story doesn’t deserve a better comment than this: 2

Altmer: I have the feeling this stuff is a poor
man’s Lamb of God. The vocals are really bad, too. I was expecting
metalcore, but there’s not too much of that breakdown stuff floating
around. Here and there you see it, but it’s not moronic. If they got a
bit better at writing catchy tunes then I could see them being a metal
hit, but for now they miss the boat. 5

Destruction: Day of reckoning Destruction: Day of reckoning

4.4/10

Lord K: The butcher would be mad at this. Go read Altmer’s first sentence, which explains shit perfectly well, and save me some time. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Destruction set the bar too
high with “The Anti-Christ” ten years ago. This is not bad thrash at
all, but nothing on here is incredibly fucking amazing. Good riffs and
drumming are all over the place here, but inspiration is tough to find. 6

Habakuk: More modern-day Exodus! This has very few
of the things that make me enjoy thrash metal. I give it to Mike
Sifringer that he still writes good riffs, but in the end this is
another overproduced testimony of the fact that the old days are over. 5

CadenZ: One of the most one-dimensional drumming
performances in thrash metal history, accompanying a total lack of
killer riffs. I am disappoint. 3

Altmer: New thrash metal releases should be
forbidden. Nobody does it as well as they did in the 80’s and half of
them sucked even back then. If I want this, I’ve got fucking Slayer and
Testament lined up any day of the week. I don’t need this. 4

Cauldron: Burning fortune Cauldron: Burning fortune

4.0/10

Lord K: If Benedictum’s got a girl who sounds like a
dude, Cauldron’s got a dude who sounds like a drunk chick. This is some
seriously crappy old school metal from Canada. Just becoz you try to look it doesn’t mean you can pull it off. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: You know it’s bad when you are
a knock-off of a failed band like Anvil, but that is exactly what
fellow canucks Cauldron are. There is no need to listen to retro-NWOBHM
sounding music when the real deal is still 1000% times better. Cauldron
doesn’t suck completely, but they are a long way away from being
anything I’ll ever give a shit about. 4

Habakuk: Def Leppard are back, now Canadians, and
have rediscovered metal. Fine by me, but was that really the coolest
wheel rim you could dig up? And let’s not even start with the chick. Not
an Angel Witch, nooooot an Angel Witch! 7

CadenZ: One of the most over-hyped bands of the
last year don’t fare well in the Jaws of Justice aka Teeth of Truth aka
My Penis. Go give some poor homeless bastards a few blowjobs, you’ll
probably do better with that than with writing and performing quality
heavy metal. 2

Altmer: Redundant 80’s metal. One of those albums
that make you ask: why, exactly? What is the point of listening to this?
I have old Iron Maiden albums if I want this. Nobody needs this shit.
It’s not bad, but it’s so fucking useless in the long run. 5

Total Fucking Destruction: Hater Total Fucking Destruction: Hater

3.8/10

Lord K: I hate joke metal. Especially when it fucken blows so much everyone who hears it gets bald in the process. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: There are some good, head-bang
inducing moments on here. “Hater” is not the worst grind I have ever
heard, but it is still nothing special. “Dudehammer”, though, is a great
song title. 5

Habakuk: Entertaining and chaotic grind. How refreshing, after all this shit. Repeat repeatedly! Repeat repeatedly! 8

CadenZ: A total fucking disaster is not far away.
And hey, here’s a better title for your album: “Penis”. When I think of
it, that’s a better moniker for your little orchestra as well. 3

Altmer: This album needs to be totally fucking destroyed. 1

Benedictum: Dominion Benedictum: Dominion

3.6/10

Lord K: I have seen something about this frontwoman
being the next big thing with her powerful vocal chords. She’s
described as a phenomenon and bla bla… Well, not so much. If the goal is
to sound like a irritating dude with early Warrel Dane vibes (only not
nearly as good) – well, mission accomplished. I prefer females to sound
like females though, so it’s not really hitting home with me.
Benedictum’s weakly arranged and executed heavy metal with layers of
keyboards is unfortunately quite shit. Peak moment? They have a song
called “At the gates”. At least that’s something. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: And the shit just keeps on
flowing. “Bang” might be the worst song I have ever heard and that is
saying something after you have gone a few rounds on the Audio Autopsy
rotation. If you have any interesting in female fronted power rock/metal
then by all means check out Benedictum. After that, please go fucking
shoot yourself. 1

Habakuk: Tina Turner is off coke and playing metal
in a drum computer band (Volturyon 3000, is that you?). What was wrong
with coke anyway? Just “GRIIIIINNNDD IIIIIT”… 3

CadenZ: Hey Boner-dick-cum, Nevermore called and said they want their anus back. So they can shit out a new album of their own. 4

Altmer: Why did I expect death metal? Wasn’t there
another band called Benedictum? Or am I just fucken deluded? What I get
is heavy metal with some cool sounding industrial influences, some 80’s
style banshee vocals, lots of solos and good riffing. The vocals are
good but not entirely my thing (they grate a bit), but this is mostly an
all right album. Bonus points for the awesome Rush cover at the end,
complete with Geddy Lee vox. 7

Turisas: Stand up and fight Turisas: Stand up and fight

3.4/10

Lord K: Not only do these idiots look like a bunch of fucken retards,
they also play some medieval bullshit metal kind of shit. Shit. You’d
think it must suck the largest of asses, which it does, but every now
and then this makes me think of the movie “Braveheart”, and I like
“Braveheart”. Turisas on the other hand is a bunch of fucken retarded
people in role play drag who should be let nowhere near a studio ever
again. And who the fuck sings about “tails between your legs” anyways?
Just wow. Grandiose? More like grandi-ASS! Thank you, I am here all year. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: I’d rather listen to the sound
of a thousand Finnish dudes fucking a herd of goats and reindeer than
another second of this folk-metal crap. Are there violins on here? Or
hurdy gurdies? Or Humppa trolls? I really don’t like this stuff because
it sounds stupid as fucking hell. 2

Habakuk: Seriously, how often have we heard the
circus keyboards/fake folk/Russian Red Army Choir/galloping horse/idiot
trombone/movie soundtrack combination now? “But it’s great drinking
met-” FUCK YOU. 3

CadenZ: Painting your face half red, half black is
totally sane. Especially if it helps you become humongously big in
mid-Europe, where the moneys grow. Listening to this with a straight
face, on the other hand, is not sane in the least. Too fucken trite,
cunts. 4

Altmer: “The Varangian way” is better. If you don’t
like that album, then just forget about Turisas altogether since
they’re a sympho-folk metal band. I really shouldn’t like this bombastic
music, but I take a liking in it more than I’m willing to admit. But
still – their previous album is way better. And that doesn’t spell much
good for this one. 6

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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