Audio Autopsy – April 2008

Audio Autopsy – April 2008

01/04/08  ||  Global Domination

Disfear: Live the storm Disfear: Live the storm


Lord K: Aggression, rage, piss, vinegar, gasoline,
insanity, battery and nut-kicks = Disfear. It’s just a shame that crust
isn’t my biggest pleasure, coz this is actually some fine shit. 7

Desolator: This one took a while for me to get
into, but I kinda dig the crustish (?) and punk sound of this band. The
riffs aren’t entirely my cup of tea but the sound is somewhat nice most
of the time. This sounds a lot like the bands I saw live that night with
Davedeath. And no, I don’t really have anything funny or even degrading
to say here. 7

Hanging Limbs: Kurt Ballou of Converge has done wonders here. This is one of the more enjoyable post-ATG
offerings from Lindberg. It may be one-dimensional, but that’s part of
its charm. The style doesn’t get much catchier than this. 7


Abyss: D-beaters Disfear have managed to trim off
most of the anonymity that plagued “Misanthropic generation” and gives
me hope that the band might some day deliver the heaps of potential
awesomeness they have laying dormant in them. “Live the storm” defiantly
is a step in the right direction. 7

Seker: Disfear are probably the only (relatively
new) hardcore band that I listen to. Of course, that’s not saying much,
as hardcore pretty much sucks nowadays. But Disfear’s newest assault
makes for a good appetizer to an album like “Hear Nothing See Nothing
Say Nothing”. 6

Hate Eternal: Fury and flames Hate Eternal: Fury and flames


Lord K: I remember that Hate Eternal impressed me
quite a bit the first time I heard them some years ago. How far can you
take complicated, blasting and non-groovy death metal? Probably this
far, and then you are at the end of the bus ride. Yeah, it’s impressive
and everything, I’ll give them that, but I just can’t do with this kind
of death metal for a very long time. In the end it’s just a wall of
noise and flashy playing with no-to-little heart. 6

Desolator: I really dig what I heard from
“Conquering The Throne” and “King Of All Kings”. The album cover is
somewhat cartoonish, but since when is that a bad thing? Fuck, this
music is amazing! Erik Rutan, thank you for another excellent dish of
death metal. A lot of people didn’t seem to like this new output, but I
sure do. Definitely the best in this edition for me. 8

Hanging Limbs: This is like that giant shit you take the day after Christmas dinner: heavy and brutal, but ultimately forgettable. 5

Stephen Fallen: Hate Eternal. Relentless. Brutal. Death metal. Zzzzzzz. Sentence fragment extravaganza. Rejoice. 5

Abyss: Eric Rutan’s insanely brutal and technical
take on death metal has always felt like watching someone break bricks
with their forehead; it’s impressive as hell but I get a headache by
proxy. To be fair, “Fury and flames” is the most memorable of Hate
Eternal’s discography, but I still miss those really fist-pumping songs.

Seker: I already gave this album “more time than it

so I’ll just leave you with this message: go on eBay, buy Ripping
Corpse’s “Dreaming with the Dead”, and pretend that Erik was on the same
side of the bus as Cliff Burton. 4

Cavalera Conspiracy: Inflikted Cavalera Conspiracy: Inflikted


Lord K: Never did I believe that this would be anything close to decent, but the album at hand is a proof that the brothers need
to work together to actually be able to compose something that sounds
ok. Fuck knows that the crap they have done individually over the years
is something we must ignore. I’m surprised, but in the end this disc
wears out faster than one would hope for. Still, a positive surprise. 6

Desolator: I’ll confess, I never really heard
Soulfly, but I can respect a lot of moments on this album. Not my cup of
tea, but there are some killer tunes here and there. Damn it, nothing
in this album inspires me to try and come up with something funny!
Couldn’t there have been a fuck up somewhere!? 6

Hanging Limbs: There must be a conspiracy involved
if people are still buying music made by these two idiots. At least it
trounces anything by Soulfly or recent Sepultura. 5

Stephen Fallen: The Calavera Conspiracy is to
Sepultura what Hotel Mario was to Super Mario Bros. God it’s late and
that doesn’t make any fucking sense. Let me tell it straight: This album
is groove metal garbage. 3

Abyss: I wouldn’t say this is quite a return to
form, but fuck knows it’s oceans above anything Soulfly or post-Max
Sepultura have ever created. In songs like “Inflikted” and
“Ultra-violent” the Cavalera bros sound almost hungry again. Good stuff.

Seker: The DUN DUN DUN
intro had me a bit worried, but the actual meat of this record (the
riffs) is pretty tasty. The sound is a bit modern, but the songs are
more like the lost Sepultura album that came out between “Arise” and
“Chaos A.D”. Soulfly jumped da fuck up, but this one thrashes da fuck
out! Also, my sensors are detecting a bit of Rage Against the Machine
within the groovy morass, and I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad
thing. 6

Mercenary: Architect of lies Mercenary: Architect of lies


Lord K: You know we have one of the weakest
editions in the history of AA when a band like Mercenary stands out as
one of the better acts. I might not have appreciated their pretentious
take on metal with their “11 dreams” album, but this is certainly alot
better. I like the Sanctuary vibes I get from some of the stuff, but
why is it that the bigger part of today’s bands are lacking a fucken
pair of balls? 7

Desolator: Lies this, lies that… The word “lies” is
just about every-fucken-where in metal. Just like a cheeseburger
related joke, it was fine the first hundred times. But now it’s just
becoming an annoying cliché, along with the overuse of words like
“hypocrisy”. When I listened to this it wasn’t as bad as I thought it
would be, but this completely flew through one ear and out the other.
But not without inflicting severe annoyances unto my membranes. 4

Hanging Limbs: The Mercenary thing worked for me on
the last couple of albums, but this one just annoys me. There’s no
doubting this band’s smooth, progressive songwriting, but they need to
focus on the heavy. Their Gothenburg influence is too often offset by
lame power metal. 6

Stephen Fallen: I think I’ll pass on this one. 5

Abyss: Just meh… 5

Seker: Moderately catchy, moderately listenable, moderately tolerable, hugely boring. Gothenburg meets power metal, oh boy! 4

Zimmers Hole: When you were shouting at the devil... Zimmers Hole: When you were shouting at the devil…


Lord K: At least they are having a good time and the album title is funny. But in the end I don’t want my metal to be funny. 5

Desolator: A good sense of humour is a double plus.
The music ain’t bad either and some of the vocals are pretty cool. You
may find “Devil’s Mouth” to be a bit rude, but oh well. 6

Hanging Limbs: I used to date a girl named Zimmer and her hole was deeper, darker, and scarier than this. 4

Stephen Fallen: To Strapping Young Lad fans hoping
ZH is a worthy heir: this is basically 11 variations on “Far Beyond
Metal”. Parody is a grand thing when done correctly, but ZH doesn’t
quite get it right. For instance, the first song “When You Were Shouting
at the Devil… We Were in League with Satan” mocks glam rock. That’s
fine, but glam rock hasn’t been topical since 1991 and most of those
pretty boys are now embarrassing themselves on VH-1 reality shows. The
rest of the humor is mostly “dick dick hur hur”. It’s stupid fun, but it
wears thin after a while. The music is decent (Jed Simon, Byron Stroud
and Gene muthafucking Hoglan are proven vets from Strapping Young Lad),
but it just doesn’t work. 6

Abyss: I don’t think Zimmers Hole will ever be
anything more than Devin Townsend’s backup band to me. Chops and skills
are there, but not that certain “special”. 4

Seker: Seriously, you guys, these guys are almost as funny as Metalocalypse LOLOLOL! Also, I like dicks! In my anal hole! 2

Draconian: Turning season within Draconian: Turning season within


Lord K: I should dig this. I mean, there’s like chick vocals and shit in it. It also has some ok growls. I should really
dig this crap. But I don’t. It’s becoz of a few reasons, the biggest
one being that there’s no balls whatsoever in what Draconian’s doing.
They got some decent riffs here and there, but as a whole it just
doesn’t capture me by the cunt. Their semi-doom with fucken acoustic
guitars and whatnot is decent though. At best. The 500 voice-overs in
each and every song are not. I have the fucken album in front of me, I KNOW I’M LISTENING
TO DRACONIAN! Both the voice-over whore and the band themselves give me
the feeling that they are all overdoing shit without actually
accomplishing much. 5

Desolator: What I taste and smell here is some
melodic meat. And what’s this? Female vocals as well as growls? This
should take Lord K’s fancy, hehe. Now, this ain’t a bad album, but it
gets a little boring at times. The outro was totally unnecessary too. 5

Hanging Limbs: Gothic chick metal for those without
penis and those who desire one. It has that “boring as fuck” potential,
but at the same time is really well done. 5

Stephen Fallen: A Metal Archive review headline
states that “progrress is key” for this latest Draconian release.
Draconian fans spell progress with two r’s, which sums up my feelings on
this album just fine. Avoid Draconian and their fans at all
cost, because whatever debilitating metal disorder they have might be
contagious. (PS. Yes, I realize that making fun of someone else’s
spelling means my contributions to AA will, ironically, be rife with
typos. I don’t give a fuck.) 3

Abyss: Sweden’s very own My Dying Bride continue in
the same tracks, ignoring things like originality in favour of
reinventing the wheel. Though I can’t be too miffed since “Turning
seasons within” sound well enough put together despite its problems in
the plagierism-zone. The male growls are beefy as hell and I’d love to
hear Jacobsson in a more death metal oriented environment someday. As it
is, Draconian sound ok, but they ain’t no MDB. 6

Seker: Oh, great, some band with a chick in it.
Quit your warbling and get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
And take your piss-poor modern production and boring riffs with you!
Fuck, this month sucks… 2

Steel Attack: Carpe DiEnd Steel Attack: Carpe DiEnd


Lord K: So, I should dig Draconian, but don’t. Steel Attack is a band I should
loathe, but for some reason I can’t. Their take on heavy metal is too
strong. They have enough catchy riffs and hooks to avoid being
completely bashed into oblivion. Steel Attack do their thing alot better
than most other bands in this genre and I like it. And don’t you dare
to call this power metal. 7

Desolator: That album name is so fucken LAME!
Anyway… I wanted to tell this band to get back in the kitchen and get me
some pie, but it seems like there is a bit of pie here already. This
ain’t an über spectacular album, but it has some pretty cool moments. 6

Hanging Limbs:Seize the penis. 4

Stephen Fallen: It doesn’t matter how much pitch
shifting, auto-tuning and vocal layering you use, bad singing is bad
singing. This power metal isn’t great to begin with and those vocals
make it torturous. 2

Abyss: Wow, I was starting to wonder where the
cheese-metal was in this month’s AA, and right on the money Steel Attack
rides in on a white unicorn with pink roses in their armor. Now if I
could only have them leave the stage again… 3

Seker: Bad downtuned guitars, a bad Dio
impersonation, a bad band name, and an even worse album name. Korn meets
power metal, oh boy! 3

Jon Oliva's Pain: Global warning Jon Oliva’s Pain: Global warning


Lord K: How many “my pain is greater than Jon’s” jokes will we get here? Every single one is deserved though. Muthafucken SHIT
this is one huge bucket of excrements. Just put on “O to G” if you ever
feel like throwing up. This Jon Oliva dude suck it at scales unknown to
man. Die, die, die, die, die. 2.

Desolator: Jon Oliva’s pain is my pain too. Did he
get stung by a bee recently? Cos that’s what happened to me recently.
I’m thinking of starting a band called Desolator’s Pain where I only
write songs about bee stings. Some parts of this album are interesting,
but there’s nothing memorable about it. 5

Hanging Limbs: Another order of cheeseburger metal from the biggest man in music. 7

Stephen Fallen: There are a lot of bad lyrics in
metal, but sometimes a line just jumps out at you and begs to be quoted.
A line like, say, “Together we all will be, to live out eternity… as
fireflies. Yeah, yeah, yeah”. I think it’s cute when someone reverses
proper sentence structure to sound poetic. It’s a very specific kind of
cute, kinda like when your puppy poops on the carpet and then brings you
the turd. 3

Abyss: Theatrical and bordering on Meatloaf-esque
cheese, but with Jon Olivia’s awesome voice (though not what it used to
be) in the front I can’t help but dig this. 6

Seker: Who the fuck is Jon Oliva? Some power metal
asshole that should be strapped to the same Hades Gamma cluster-bound
rocket as Al Gore, that’s who! 1

Burning Skies: Greed. Filth. Abuse. Corruption Burning Skies: Greed. Filth. Abuse. Corruption


Lord K: After 2 seconds I thought “damn, this was definitely alot more metal than I thought it would be”. After 2 songs I thought “damn, these guys really know how to fucken suck big-time”. After the complete album I thought “fuck this annoying bullshit with irritating vocals, shitty riffs, chaotic song structures and overall pissy approach”. Then I fucken threw the promo in the bin. Thank you and fuck off. 3

Desolator: Apparently this is deathcore. By the
sound of that word, this should be as lame as an emo kid with no legs or
arms. In fact, it’s not. There are many excellent riffs and the sound
is pretty massive, even though there’s also the odd annoyance and
occasionally pretentious vocals. Not to mention the shouted chants
should warrant a slap in the face for these guys. 6

Hanging Limbs: Surprise surprise, a bunch of
hardcore kids jumping on the metal bandwagon. These guys belong on a
leper colony with Suicide Silence. 3

Stephen Fallen: This is decent grindcore with a
little death metal slow-down stuff. It’s not great, but at least it’s
short, which is worth one bonus point in AA land. 6

Abyss: Metalcore by the numbers. In this case all the numbers add up to… not very much. 2

Seker: Hmm… look at the title, observe the average
hair length… is it any surprise that these Brits play deathcore? The
vocals are good for a laugh, but it’s really all just breakdowns and
boring atonal riffs that don’t go anywhere apart from the first three
frets on the lowest two strings. Monotony. Unoriginality. AIDS. Herpes 2

Children Of Bodom: Blooddrunk Children Of Bodom: Blooddrunk


Lord K: A-league actor Dolph Lundgren once said: “When my ass turns into a cactus, Children Of Bodom will rule the world”.
Dolph’s ass is still nothing remotely close to a cactus and COB’s
Disney-metal with hideous orchestra hits is still just decent. 5

Desolator: I haven’t heard this band yet for some
reason, but oh well. I respect Alex Laiho’s guitar skills, but
“Blooddrunk” is way too technical and too boring for my taste, and the
cheesy keyboards aren’t necessary at all. Alex played on Impaled
Nazarene’s “Nihil”, but on this album he doesn’t do it for me, no matter
how much of a good guitarist he is. Getting drunk from blood is fun, as
long as the blood has beer in it. Unfortunately, this album did not
come with a beer. I hope CoB’s older work is better than this. 3

Hanging Limbs: Did you hear they caught the Lake
Bodom murderer this week? When asked if he had anything to say, he
apologized to the victims, their families, and Finland for having
anything to do with the creation of this 6

Stephen Fallen: CoB is one of those big-ish name
bands that I’ve successfully avoided for seven years. Now, it’s in AA
and I’m forced to meet the band head on. “Blooddrunk” is everything I
expected: fucking awful. I think it’s time for the world leaders to get
together and institute a death penalty for bands that have shitty
keyboards. That poor instrument has been abused enough. 3

Abyss: Will the wankery never cease? Six albums in
and CoB are still as annoying as they were back in 1997. Quite an
accomplishment if you like handing out awards to shitty bands. I don’t. 3

Seker: I don’t care what you guys say. That Alexi chick is pretty hot… oh, wait, that’s a man! 2

Exciter: Thrash, speed, burn Exciter: Thrash, speed, burn


Lord K: But Jesus Fucken Christ in a pair of
moonboots, who thought it would be a fucken terrific idea to let Exciter
release yet another album? What Exciter deliver is fucken poorer than
Rwanda. This is seriously so up the Alley of Suck I don’t think they
could go much further even if they called a fucken cab. They can’t get a
1 though since “bands” like Xasthur are still around. 2

Desolator: Judging by the moniker, this sounds like
a happy and chirpy band with beer bottles and hookers dropping from
their vaginas. It is happyish, but I didn’t find any beer or hookers. Fuck. “Thrash Speed Burn” offers a decent thrashing, but it’s nothing to go crazy over. 6

Hanging Limbs: With nothing remotely exciting about
their music, I can only assume they are big Judas Priest fans. This
stuff is gayer than a mouthful of dicks in Rob Halford’s ass. 2

Stephen Fallen: Hey Exciter, it’s not 1984 – so
fuck off. No one wants to hear this shit anymore and if they did, they’d
just dig out their old LP’s and listen to speed metal that was
actually, you know, exciting. 3

Abyss: Thrash like it’s 1984 again. Or not, Exciter
don’t care, they’ll proudly stick to their guns. While I find it
charming on an intellectual level I can’t really recommend this to
anyone. 4

Seker: Exciter want everyone to stand by for them,
but I say we let their sub-par speed metal salvation pass and listen to
some Maiden instead. If you didn’t get that joke, you should have your
metal license revoked. 4

Death Angel: Killing season Death Angel: Killing season


Lord K: Fantastically weak production with some
fantastically weak tunes from a band that was always fantastically weak.
Nope, not even “The Ultra-Penis” was good, and you know this. Death
Angel still fucken blow tremendously. And someone, please tell that
fucken guy in some of the promoshots that he needs a bigger “The
Ultimate Fighter” shirt. 2

Desolator: This would be suitable for a killing
season, since it’ll bore your victims to death. This album has some
decent riffs but I just can’t get into it as a whole. 4

Hanging Limbs: What’s the difference between a Death Angel cd and my penis? I’d never throw my penis out the window of a moving car. 4

Stephen Fallen: Death Angel is back and they’re
trying to make a mockery of their past by releasing some shitty new
material. Unfortunately, this album is not bad enough to negate “The
Ultra-Violence”, but it’s a good first try. 4

Abyss: An old band I’ve never cared about. Seems like it will stay that way. 4

Seker: Just go listen to old Death Angel instead. Better yet, go listen to Dark Angel and forget that this sub-sub-second-string act ever existed. Thrash metal? More like TRASH metal, hahahahahahaha! 3

Crematory: Pray Crematory: Pray


Lord K: I remember Stockholm’s Crematory. They had balls. The downright, fiasco-like goth-disaster that is this Crematory can go fuck itself. 3

Desolator: This has some interesting moments but
also some really cheesy moments. “Just Words” is a beautiful track that
kinda moves me, but the rest doesn’t really appeal to me much. I’m sure
it would be great to listen to when you’re drunk on your bed though. 5

Hanging Limbs: There’s nothing that stands out here
either good or bad. This is exactly what I’ve come to expect from
Coldstone Crematory. I just wish it had more personality. 5

Stephen Fallen: Oh shit you guys, it’s vampire
metal. So sad, so slow, so fucking shitty. I’d like to propose another
international ban, this one on any sample of falling rain. Yeah, I know
rain is depressing and gloomy and the only way to convey the darkness
that lurks in your heart, but it’s time to put that shit to bed, son. 3

Abyss: Weak “atmospheric” make-out metal with
barely recognizable hooks and choruses. Sometimes there’s flashes of
tolerable stuff, but mostly it’s just a boggy marsh of shite. 2

Seker: I thought that this was gonna be the old
Swedish Crematory making a comeback (hopefully with a better guitar
sound this time around, eh?), but instead I got a big steaming pile of
goth herpes. Yes, that would be herpes sores coalesced into a pile. It’s
that shitty. 2

Wykked Wytch: Memories of a dying whore Wykked Wytch: Memories of a dying whore


Lord K: This is a band I will never take seriously thanx to their name. It’s a shame coz their half black metal isn’t too
awful. But that vocalist chick… Icepick, or whatever her name is… Man…
Someone give her a mirror. A large one. I don’t know what’s more
irritating, her voice or her looks. Fuck knows they are both horrible. 4

Desolator: I’m very interested to see how the rest
of the Alcoholics Anonymous crew (you know I love you guys) have
responded to this. If you read the review
I did of these fuckers, you’ll find that I found their album to be
fairly decent, and probably overrated it. It has its moments, but it’s
nothing special. In fact, I’ve forgotten quite a lot about it and I’ve
lost interest. I also found that ever since I reviewed “Memories Of A
Dying Cocksucker”, they haven’t changed their shit name so I’m
subtracting a couple of points for that. Finally, check out their photos
if you need a good laugh. Believe me, I will bring up the fucken photos
whenever this band is mentioned around my vicinity. 4

Hanging Limbs: Reviewing this is like kissing your grandmother: you really don’t want to do it, but you know you have to. 3

Stephen Fallen: Oh, dude this album is so Wykked! I wish I was a Wytch! I Lyke the lettyr Y sy mykh Y’ll jysk skyrt ysyng yk yvyrywhyry! 3

Abyss: If you’ve always wanted to hear Shagrath
sing while taking a dump – Wykked Wytch is the band for you! If not, I
urge you to avoid them like the fucking plague they are. 2

Seker: The world’s first tranny-fronted goth metal
band? Possibly. The world’s first listenable tranny-fronted goth metal
band? Nein! 2

Ill Niño: Enigma Ill Niño: Enigma


Lord K: There’s quite a few bands here in this AA
who should join troops and form a team for the Olympics Of Urine. Ill
Niño need not worry to be the worst of the bunch, but they shouldn’t
count on getting any gold medals either. Ill Niño want to be Linkin Park
but have no fucken idea as for how to do it, therefore they end up with
some generic half-metal that makes me wanna rip out the cd and throw it
out the balcony. The American scene is an abomination for most parts. 3.

Desolator: Not as painful as I thought it would be. This is not something I normally listen to, but I like a few of the songs here. 5

Hanging Limbs: Shakira metal. 3

Stephen Fallen: This album was included in this
month’s AA specifically so we could make fun it, but I can’t. It’s too
terrible. Everyone on Earth knows that Ill Niño sucks, nothing new
there. 1

Abyss: Ethno-tinged nu-metal. It should be extinct
by now, but as usual bands like Ill Nino refuse to face the harsh truth,
so there’s no use me spelling it out again, is there? Ok, one more try:
Fuck off. 1



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This entry was posted on June 19, 2014 by in Audio Autopsy.
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