Sure, I could have picked a far more interesting year for my second coverage in this long-running feature. One where I could have shared a fuckload of more anecdotes and whatnot that you would have loved, but some other fuckos (who prolly weren’t even born when the year they have claimed came around) on staff already stole that shit from me. They are bastards. All of them. I should fire their sorry asses, but I won’t. I like bastards. And they have done a fucken brilliant job with the years they have chosen. You will see.
But I would have done it better.
Thank you. I’m here all week. Actually, all year. For lots of years, I guess. Thank you again.
But fear not, we’ll eventually run out of years to write about so we’ll have to go back and cover shit that is already covered anyways if we are to keep this feature going until the end of fucken days (which we won’t). Anyways, sit back, pour up that whiskey, light the cigar and join me on my journey becoz now we go way back in time… 1983… I was 10 years old. The early 80’s is when I started to be exposed to the music I came to love unconditionally.
Not “hard rock”. Hardrock. One fucken word. Very important. I can’t really remember exactly how it went down in the Philipson residence, but I remember being hooked from the get-go. There’s a huge, huge possibility that Kiss, Mötley Crüe and Iron Maiden (to name but a few) are to blame for making me a metalhead. At least I am sure of that. Let’s be serious here, I most likely didn’t hear all of these albums listed below in the very year of 1983. I definitely crossed paths with most of them one, two or three years later. How the fuck am I supposed to remember exactly what the fuck I heard in ’83 – it was like 30 fucken years ago. What this feature is about is albums released in 19-fucken-83 that have more or less played some kind of role in my life when Big K was Little K.
Here we go, god help you all. Me? God has no place in my life.
I recall ending school for the summer dressed up in an Iron Maiden “Killers” t-shirt that mom had bought for me to wear on this special day. No, I hadn’t heard the album in question at the time, I was introduced to Iron Maiden with “Piece of mind” in ’83 and they quickly became a huge fave band, but still – it was an Iron Maiden shirt. I had to have it. I deserved it for being an annoying little snot, and obviously mom thought so too. Safe to say, I was the only kid in school with an Iron Maiden shirt that day. Thanx, mom! You made sure I was a sharped dressed man early.
Much like in ’88, you had no Internet in 1983. Seriously. You didn’t. We young’uns, we eventually found out about new hardrock bands from the legendary Swedish magazine OKEJ (info in Swedish, so if you’re foreign – take Swedish lessons now) that I started buying in 1984 when some friends had the issue with the on-stage slaughter of Iron Maiden’s Eddie. That magazine was pretty much the only thing that covered the music I had started to love. To open up this piece of paper over the years and get flashy color photos of Iron Maiden, Mötley Crüe (who even made it to the cover at one point or 5), Metallica, Venom and their likes was bliss on another level, much like masturbation (not that I performed this hideous act of Satan – of course not). I counted the days between the issues and usually waited outside the store that sold it when a new one was coming out. If I remember it correctly this happened on every second Thursday, once or twice a month. My memory fails me a bit here.
Fuck it, I am drifting. How very unusual of me.
Anyways, OKEJ helped the growth of hardrock in Sweden tremendously. The fact that it turned into a shit magazine for boybands and random popstars years later is something we’ll just ignore (oh, but they also introduced Samantha Fox to us all, complete with soft porn photos of her tits and everything!!! That can’t be overlooked). A few years ago I actually threw away my complete collection of this magazine, every issue from early 1984 to 1990-something. Also, I need to mention that in 1984 the Swedish radio show Rockbox hit the airwaves in Sweden. That changed everything. Thank you, Pär Fontander. You fucken schooled us kids in heavy metal and hardrock. I am forever grateful.
1983 was way too early for a 10 year old little fucko to start attending concerts, so I can’t give you any awesome flashbacks from things like that. I did catch local Örnsköldsvik heroes Roar (who later changed name to Escape. Can someone get me their fucken demos?!) on stage somewhere around here, but I believe 1983 is too early for that. Must have been a year later or so. Around 4th/5th grade I had made my first acquaintance with a drumkit though. I had this classmate with curly hair who had a little brother with the habit of eating a cookie and drink soda while spitting the cookie into it – and then finish the soda. He was definitely fucken retarded. This class mate had a drumkit and I got to use it every once in a while. I mastered it right away and later on became a drummer “for real”, recording my first demo some 5 years later.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Or not more than I already have is more like it.
While being 10 fucken years old, all you did at this time was to throw stones through random house owners’ windows, shoplift candy, ride the bicycle and do advanced tricks, set fire to lawns, eat shoplifted candy, get yelled at by mom for being a shoplifting, bicycling, candy-eating, lawn-firesetting little fucktard. And listen to hardrock. That was it. As mentioned in my 1988 coverage you hadn’t really understood the greatness about chicks and booze at this point either. It was a carefree life de luxe. I redeemed all this later on though and eventually turned into one of the greatest human beings ever. I am very proud of that. But this you already know.
Did anything else important happen in 1983 that I should share with you? Absolutely:
Pretty much everyone out of all those billions were fucken retarded.
At this time I actually had a friend named Björn Borg. Not the same fucken guy though.
That guy sure got fucken laid. More of people (eventually) getting laid later on in this coverage.
One could wish for a replay of that today to kill off some of Italy’s fucken retarded bands.
Yeah, people actually watched that shit. Me included. Retardation at a very high level.
Now even retards could find their way back home.
Retarded. They should have kept it on. Forever.
I bet you had no fucken idea about that one.
See? Disco is deadly retarded. Fuck disco.
Only retards eat McNuggets.
This could easily be the most important thing that happened in 1983.
In my unbelievably fantastic piece on 1988 I listed a bunch of albums in order of personal importance. I won’t do that now. Instead I will alphabetically list a bunch of albums from 1983 that truly helped me to love hardrock. It was the music I listened to more than anything at the time.
As mentioned, the early 80’s is where it all started for me. That’s when I became a devotee to hardrock and heavy metal. I discovered bands such as Europe, Slayer, Twisted Sister and Queensrÿche later on, though they all released acclaimed recordings in ’83. But these albums listed below – they sure mattered a fuckload to me when I was but a kid. Most of them are actually albums that I bought (correction, mom bought them for me), others are copied-to-cassette from some random friend. But as said – they all mattered. Big time.
Accept: Balls to the wall
The first thing I ever heard by Accept was “Fast as a shark”. It was fast. As a shark. It was violent. As a shark. It was fantastic. As a… eh… shark? Then “Balls to the wall” comes out, with this incredibly disgusting, but intriguing, cover. “- Is he really holding some guy’s nut on the fucken cover?!”. That was insane. I probably had no idea what “balls to the wall” actually meant when I was this young, so someone must have explained it to me. I put 2 and 2 together – and then it was obvious: these guys cracked fucken balls.
The album cover for this recording could easily have been taken from some German gay soft porn photo shoot. Just imagine what happened 5 seconds after they wrapped the photo session up. “- Yah, Udo… Comzen si hiere bitte, show mi ze ass explosion again, jaaaah!!!!”. I’m positive that was what went down. They might claim the killer tune “London leatherboys” off this album is about some motorcycle riding cunts, but we all know better than that. Either way, “Balls to ze walls” is a muthafucken killer album on all accounts.
I’ve to be touched I feel so much
3 hairy, German thighs out of 10.
After all, his name is Peter and his last name sounds like “balls”. It’s a given.
AC/DC: Flick of the switch
I’m not sure if this was the first album I heard by the long-running, kangaroo-fucking Australians. I remember I absolutely loved the 1980 track “Hells bells” and that it was the tune that opened up my eyes and ears to these high voltage rocking sons of various Australian cuntholes. I know, putting a “high voltage” reference to a band named “AC/DC” is just genius and I am sure no one’s done it before. Put another shrimp on the barbie, mate!
AC/DC have sounded the same since day one and you don’t appreciate hardrock if you don’t appreciate AC/DC. Some might say the same about Black Sabbath, but fuck Black Sabbath. Bunch of overrated nu metal fuckos (inside joke, ease up asshole). AC/DC on the other hand – they were interesting to a kid no more than 10-12 years old. And they had a guy in a school uniform. You could identify with him (though you didn’t wear a school uniform in Sweden). Maiden had Eddie. AC/DC had a guy in a school uniform. Kiss used to have make up. AC/DC had a guy in a school uniform. Saxon had sucky music. AC/DC had great music and a guy in a school uniform. It’s just so… fucken awesome.
Makes me sing when she find my load
3 useless covers out of 10.
Becoz he’s the vocalist. Vocalists usually get laid most for some reason. It’s not like he’s got the Adonis looks down, you know, so he had to play the vocalist card to get to do the dirty deeds (done dirt cheap). ZING! Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Def Leppard: Pyromania
The amazing, amazing track “Foolin’” was my introduction to Def Leppard. I heard it on MTV and was completely floored. Still to this day I absolutely love “Pyromania”. This is hardrock at its finest. I mean, seriously – just look at some of the tracks here and tell me you don’t think those are some awesome hardrock tunes:
“Rock! Rock! (Till You Drop)”, “Photograph”, “Stagefright”, “Too Late for Love”, “Die Hard the Hunter”, “Foolin’”, “Rock of Ages”, “Comin’ Under Fire”, “Action! Not Words” and “Billy’s Got a Gun”.
See what I did there? I listed every track on “Pyromania”. That’s how fucken killer this piece of music is. In 1983 hardrock didn’t get much catchier than this. No wonder “Pyromania” has sold millions and millions and millions of units around the world. Had I had the money myself I would probably have bought a few million copies myself back in the day.
Easy love is no easy ride
7 exploding things out of 10.
This is a not a band of handsome dudes so I picked Joe again since he’s the vocalist, and vocalists get laid most by default. And women can’t resist a vocalist with bad teeth and stuff…
Dio: Holy Diver
Guys… Dio scared the shit out of you in 1983. Seriously. No, it wasn’t the cheese about rainbows or (puffing the magic) dragons that did it. Nope, it was something completely different… They had the fucken Devil himself on the cover! DROWNING A FUCKEN PRIEST!!! Now, if that wasn’t controversial by the time 1983 rolled in, I don’t know what the fuck was. I do know that Dio became one of my faves in a second when I heard “Holy diver” though. This guy was the king of fucken unicorns, rainbows, devil signs, fairytales, dreams and whateverthefuckelse he sang about. And as a band they got even better on “The last in line”, as bands usually do with their second albums.
R.I.P Ronnie, you sure are a legend.
Don’t smell the flowers
8 drowning priests out of 10 are 8 good priests.
He sure could sing, ol’ Ronnie, but he hardly dominated the cunthole thanx to his looks, so this award goes to Vivian Campbell, simply becoz he’s got a chick’s name and chicks like to fuck chicks. I have heard about that on the Internet.
Iron Maiden: Piece of mind
Now we’re talking. 3 bands on this list are more important than the others. Iron Maiden is one of them. I even played air drums together with 3 or 4 friends to “The trooper” (and a few other songs off this album) in school when we had this special thing on Fridays where the students could spend 10 or 15 minutes playing a few choice songs or perform those songs “live”. If you’re Swedish, you know what I am talking about. I believe this was my first “concert”. I had chains, red paint (to simulate blood, of course) and we even had “rehearsals” in the playing grounds where I lived at the time. The teacher must have thought we were absolutely going to do great things with our lives. Iron Maiden ruled everything, you have to understand that.
Oh, we also did a Mötley Crüe song or two.
Now the crowd breaks and a young boy appears
8 pullovers out of 10.
Chicks love bad dudes and Eddie was the baddest muthafucker alive at the time. And being 18 feet tall, you know the size of the fucker’s penis must be gigantic. Girls love that shit. I read it on The Internet.
(do NOT click that link. I repeat. DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK! NOT SAFE FOR WORK. SERIOUSLY. NOT. SAFE. FOR. WORK. DO NOT CLICK!!! GD is not responsible for what happens to you if you fucken idiots click that fucken link.)
Kiss: Lick it up
And naturally, Kiss would be one of these “very important” bands that I have been mentioning. After being gays with make up for quite some time, Kiss decided to become gays without make-up in 1983. Only, we didn’t really think of Kiss as being gay back in 1983. They were the coolest. “Lick it up” hit home big with the Swedish kids and all of us listened to them. They went from being scary (with make-up) to just ugly (no make up and even less fashion sense), but this album right here is a fucken great show-off in 80’s hardrock. As reported on The Internetz, the title track almost didn’t happen:
““Lick It Up” was a song that very nearly wasn’t realized. Vinnie came up with the basic idea for the song, including the title and basic melody, and brought it to Paul. Unfortunately, Paul seemed disinterested in the idea when Vinnie first played it for him. Later Vinnie took the song to Gene, who liked it and suggested that he play it for Paul. According to Vinnie, “The next time I played it for Paul he said – hey, that’s great. We should use it.”“
Obviously these guys were asspackers even back in 1983. But hey, Vinnie deserves it for releasing that shitty fucken Vinnie Vincent Invasion album years later, and for once looking like this. Funny thing is, Vinnie actually contributed to most of the better material on “Lick it up”, such as “Not for the innocent” and “All hell’s breaking loose”, 2 excellent tunes among many excellent tunes.
Better lock up your daughters, we’re comin’ to your town
3 crashed fashion weeks out of 10.
With Paul Stanley. In the same bed. Only the two of them.
Mercyful Fate: Melissa
If Dio and Mötley Crüe played around with the Devil and his friends, there was this one guy who brought everything to a completely new level. His name is King Diamond and he sang in a band called Mercyful Fate. I remember some of my older friends talk about this dude, him being a satanist and having “very unique vocals, sounds like nothing you have ever heard!”. It was the worst and most scary thing (meant in a good way) they had ever listened to and eventually I got to hear this album myself. I was scared shitless. This guy wasn’t just a satanist. He was Satan himself.
Of course I was impressed. I was fucken 10 or so, you know.
And a witch will open the door
Satan doesn’t care about ugly people.
9 satanic sermons out of 10.
Every girl wants to fuck a Satanist (and then be sacrificed), so naturally King was the champion here.
Metallica: Kill ‘em all
The first song I ever heard with Metallica is called “Hit the lights”. It opens up this album and is still a great track, though I don’t exactly play it all too often nowadays. Simply becoz “Kill ‘em all” is a pretty boring album. I prefer the “St. Anger” era where they are more polished and show signs of true love for music.
I liked “Kill’em all” a lot, but I didn’t love it (love came later when they released “Ride the lightning”). I preferred Mötley, Maiden and Kiss. Metallica were a bit too aggressive for me. It was more than hardrock to my ears, it was something else that I didn’t really know how to categorize (don’t even get me started on the first time I experienced Slayer). My time for enjoying more extreme metal hadn’t really arrived just here. “Kill ‘em all” gave me a first taste of what was to come though.
When we start to rock we never… want to stop again!
7 nails out of 10.
Becoz girls felt sorry for him being Danish, so they charity-fucked him. Oh how they charity-fucked him, lucky bastard.
Mötley Crüe: Shout at the devil
And while talking about Mötley… Here’s the second of those 3 extremely important bands I just referred to. “Shout at the Devil”, come on! These guys were badasses and they obviously worshiped the Devil (a little less than they worshiped their girlfriends’ make-up kits, but still!). And they had some of the sweetest fucken tunes you could find in 1983’s hardrock scene.
They looked like chicks (except for Mick Mars who looked like… something else) and rode with the Devil. That shit was nasty! The amount of excellent songs on this fucken record is as impressive as Vince Neil’s drinking’n‘driving habits are disgusting.
Fight for the black shark
4 chicks on the cover out of 10.
Any guy would have fucked any which one of these 4 girls.
Ozzy Osbourne: Bark at the moon
According to OKEJ Magazine, this guy ate bats and dressed up as a werewolf. He was batshit (… sorry, couldn’t resist it) dangerous and “Bark at the moon” was his testimony of being insane. Of course I had to hear it. I loved it. That this guy once spent time in a shitty ass band called Black Sabbath was to me unfathomable. Those guys sucked it whereas this werewolf-fucko had it _all_down.
Just listen to the goddamn tunes presented here and tell me it doesn’t beat everything Black Sabbath ever recorded. It does, so you don’t have to. I loved Ozzy even more when “The ultimate sin” came around.
And I’m as free as the breeze
7 very hairy cunts out of 10.
He was a guitar hero and werewolves usually don’t arouse girls. But sure enough – it happens. I read that on The Internet. Don’t say humanity ain’t retarded.
Tokyo Blade: Tokyo blade
Initially, I loved Tokyo Blade for one thing and one thing only. The “Sunrise in Tokyo” tune. More specifically, the guitar solo in “Sunrise in Tokyo”. Listen to it here, it starts at approximately 3:10.
Just so you know, these guys are not from Japan. I’m not sure I even knew what Japan was back at the time of hearing this, but I knew Tokyo Blade’s covers looked awesome and they could play guitar solos, so I loved them. If you listen to it today you’ll be aware of the fact they fucken blow most of the time. But they didn’t back then. Oh no, they absolutely didn’t. But in 2009 they absolutely blew goats. Just listen to the clip below.
Neon lights, crazy nights, race the shadows to the dawn
7 drunk ninjas out of 10.
None of these guys got laid. They were busy dressing up in Japanese school girl uniforms and pleasuring themselves. With shurikens. Dirty, dirty sluts.