Welcome back to the wonderful world of GD’s top ten lists. This
week it’s our pleasure to bring you some of the worst band names
currently in use by metal mental midgets around the planet. The
criteria for inclusion: the band has to be active and signed to some
label stupid enough to think Brutalcore or Fairyland could be the next
Some of these awful monikers can of course be blamed on translation
errors, but when you know you are putting yourself out there for a
largely English-speaking audience (and writing album titles, track
names, etc in English too) there’s no reason not to pick up a
dictionary/thesaurus/cereal box and come up with something better.
Thankfully, these goons didn’t bother. For those who do claim grasp of
Her Majesty’s Tongue – your failure is even more shameful.
We’ve helpfully broken down these atrocities into Black, Death,
Other, and a special bonus round category. Read on, friends, and learn
how NOT to name your metal band. -Daemo
10. Abstract Satan (Russia)
Conceptual Satan? Synopsis Satan? Theoretical, speculative Satan? Cubo-Futurism Satan?
9. Goat Terrorism (Netherlands)
This just in, a radical sect of goats who believe that western goat
culture is destroying traditional grazing and herding patterns have
hijacked several tractors and rammed them into farmer McCutcheon’s barn,
killing several other farm animals. Osama BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA
Ladin has claimed responsibility and plans to conduct more goat
terrorism activities unless traditional farming methods and ways of goat
life are reinstated.
8. 78424325 (Mexico)
Apparently this spells out “suicide” when you dial it on the phone – in
Mexico. Another sure fire method to ice yourself via
tacotelecommunications would be to give the Nortenos a ring and tell
them there’s no hope in dope.
Snörkel? Is that like when you’re out snorkelling in the snow? Maybe
it’s a metaphor for the bands constant search for a single good riff?
Alas, we will probably never know.
6. +3 Broadsword (Australia)
Now here’s a name and theme that is not only completely fucking terrible
but also one that guarantees zero sex for the band. Dungeons and
Dragons themed black metal? Really? A debut album called “666 Sided
Dice”? Fuuuuuck. Anyone who thinks that either this theme or this
band’s name is good is clearly suffering from a +3 brain injury. Wow,
they even have a song called “To Hit Armour Class Zero”. Good luck in
ever trying to touch a woman guys.
5. Maniac Goat (Brazil)
Goats and black metal have a long tradition of going hand-in-hand. Now,
of course, what could be more tr00, kvlt, grvmm and nekro than a MANIAC goat, huh? Nothing, of course. Nothing a-tall…
4. Throat Violence (Norway)
Insert oral sex joke here. Maybe these cockpukes could do a split CD with Irrumation, eh Ryan?
3. Panzer Hitler (Russia)
Nice; a tank and a crazy fascist who committed some of the worst crimes
in human history. This band name is not just bad; it’s offensively
2. Aryantichrist (Poland)
Congratulations on combining the worst kind of name (the overlapping compound word) with the most idiotic ideology and the most worn-out cliché in metal. And please tell me you don’t have history lessons in Poland.
1. Hats Barn (France)
Okay, so it is supposed to mean “children of hate” in Swedish. How very
black metal of you. But you’re a French band who sing in English under a
campy Swedish moniker, and y’all aren’t even that good. Fact is, your
name alludes to a farm building full of headgear. Perhaps the band
should be renamed “Grange à Chapeaux”.
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9. Straight Land (Belarus)
At one point in time during your name finding process you should decide
whether you want to be a death metal band or a theme park for urban men
taking a time-out from the city’s overwhelming sexual twists.
8. Scaremaker (USA)
Kinda sounds like a cheesy, low-budget 1984 slasher film about a
murderer in a scary bear suit who goes around killing Ohio college
cheerleaders on a nighttime scavenger hunt. Oh wait, it is.
7. Calm Hatchery (Poland)
Stay calm fool, the eggs are hatching in here! What the fuck is up with a
name like Calm Hatchery? That’s not death metal at all. Hatching refers
to the beginning of life, not death. Hello, read the metal manual fuckos, it states that death, not life, is cool. And being calm is definitely not metal either.
6. Brutalcore (Turkey)
Oh, oh, here comes trouble: these guys are not just brootal to ze core,
they also advertise it. Lame name, plus the only thing that has any
right to use -core to its name is hXc.
5. Severed Crotch (Iceland)
Excising the twig and berries alone ain’t good enough for these Icies. They want to chop off your whole fucking genital REGION! Your pants will never fit right again.
4. Lived Devil (Mexico)
English is not my native language so, quite a few times, I find myself
having trouble to properly express what I want, as I mix Greek syntax
and expressions with English. No matter, though: I really cannot glean
what the fuck a “lived devil” might be… UPDATE:
an natural-born English-speaking feller just pointed out that the name
is supposed to be a palindrome. Still, it makes no sense whatsoever and I
STILL cannot get any meaning out of it, so I still think it’s lame. Just so you know…
3. Job for a Cowboy (USA)
Must… resist… urge… to… make… “Brokeback…. Mountain”… joke… as… we… all…
know… the… kind… of… “jobs”… those… cowboys… got… blowjobs… damn…
2. Conan’s First Date (Hungary)
Dating back then wasn’t really much different from what it is today. You
know how it goes, barbarian hunk meets seductive pirate queen and it’s
love at first sight. They sail the Western Ocean side by side, pillaging
and plundering town after town. They make passionate love in the
perilous jungle and utter promises of devotion in the hereafter.
Unfortunately, Conan’s hot date is forced to come to an end when his
lover is hanged by a monstrous winged creature. Dating was tough in the
Hyborian age and it ain’t much better now.
1. Die You (Spain)
Die you spawn evil! Steal bulls our no away get light! We Inquisition send to surprise with die you!
10. Dreamtone & Iris Mavraki’s Neverland (power, Turkey)
Iris Mavraki sounds like a greek name; from Crete, actually (hell, she IS
Greek…). I really don’t have a fucken clue, though, where – if it
exists… – is her own Neverland, although I would really like to visit it
some time, especially if there’s a naked Tinkerbell in there. The band
has a bloody Wikipedia entry, but it doesn’t save the band from having an ultimately unwieldy and totally *UN*metal name, thus it’s included here.
9. Satan Jokers (heavy metal, France)
A sad portmanteau of “Satan’s Slaves” and “Gypsy Jokers”, rival gangs of
Hell’s Angels. So then why not “Satan’s Jokers”? Surely that would have
been an improvement. At any rate, it is still better than their
previous moniker “Jarretelles” which simply means “garters”. Yes, as in
ladies garters. Oh, the French.
8. Frantic Bleep (progressive, Norway)
Frantic bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bloop
Frantic bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bloop
7. Of the Wand & the Moon (neofolk, Denmark)
If this doesn’t sound like a corpsepainted retard who pulls his pud to
various parts of the lunar cycle, I don’t know what does. As if being
in a neofolk band from Denmark didn’t imply massive teh suck already…
6. Wykked Wytch (Gothic Metal, USA)
5. Rain Delay (doom, Serbia)
This is certainly not a band for sports fans. What is this name
supposed to mean anyway? Is it supposed to be melancholic? I hope with
all my existence that these guys try to stage an open air concert, only
to have their entrance postponed due to inclement weather. Now that
would be funny.
4. Fairyland (symphonic power metal, France)
I just checked. These are five grown men. Imagine the reactions a name
suggestion like “Fairyland” would elicit in a group of any five men of
your choice. Now, try to imagine what must have happened for them to
actually keep it. WHAT THE…??
3. Shower (thrash, Estonia)
All these ‘stoners needed to do was make a compound word here, and they
could have escaped the list. Blood. Pain. Frog. But no, they decided
to tackle the most brutal of morning routines – lathering up under some
hot water. Thrash til clean!
2. Knights of Round (power metal, Japan)
Another gleaming example of a non-Anglo-Saxon group exhibiting a poor
grasp of the English language. And you know what makes it even better?
They actually have a song called “Sprint for Freedom”. Just look at these guys.
1. Goblin Cock (doom/drone, USA)
Ugh!!! (I just tried to imagine how the dick of an Orc
or an Uruk-hai might be like…). The perfect band moniker to attract
ladies, doncha think?
10. Tyrannic Ethical Reconstruction
Either this is a terrible, terrible compromise or someone was a bit too
confident with his Greek leanwords. Came out epic though.
9. Tool Silence
Odd little trivia: Tool Silence’s name derives from a Facebook group
called “The silence that occurs when you take Tool’s worst material and
put them in a power metal band”. The group has five likes.
7. Stöner Kebab
I really would hate to be forced to eat something like that. Not only
the name displays band taste, it’s also a great offense against Italy
know culinary excellence. Plus, STONER CAN NEVER BE KEBAB. STONER IS RIB–EYE, AT THE VERY LEAST!!!
7. Mortal Fungus
Italy triumphs again. The only thing less scary than an immortal fungus is a mushroom that knows, one day, it will die. Possibly by being chopped up and posthumously mixed into spaghetti sauce.
6. Brain of Maggot
Really guys? Really? I mean, Brain of Maggot_s_ would’ve been fine, but
singular? Actually, scratch that. Brain of Maggot isn’t actually the
band’s name, but the medical condition all of its members suffer.
5. An Handful of Dust
Nothing makes an band look stupid like an major grammar fuck up. At
what point (assuming they have by now) did the band realise their
stupidity? And why, for the love of not looking like complete dickheads,
didn’t they fix it? Too stubborn, just pretending it was meant that
way or making an statement against proper grammar? Next time just cut
your losses and call yourselves “We fails English”.
4. Hiss from the Moat
What exactly is in this moat? Agitated snakes? Angry swans? Punctured tires?
3. Block! Antonius Block!
There are two ways of using an exclamation mark in your band name:
1. A “Godspeed You! Black Emperor” way, where the awesomeness of the
music and reference makes up for the pseudo-pretentiousness.
2. A “Block! Antonius Block!” way, where it just sounds like a line from
a first graders school play about (desecrating the glory) of ancient
2. Rude Forefathers
Where did this name come from? Did Garibaldi poop and in someone’s
toilet and not give a courtesy flush? Ben Flanklin was a pretty rude
dude and drunk, and Thomas Jefferson fucked his slaves (that’s double
rude) but, last time I checked, those forefathers weren’t Italian.
1. Eat Me Clown
I’m just about speechless on this one. Are they referring to Stephen
King’s “It”? Or a porno version of “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”?
Or have they simply stumbled upon the shittiest band name in a country
filled to the brim with shitty band names? You decide.