Introduction by InquisitorGeneralis & Daemonomania.
Daemo: Ahh, the smell of a fresh Top Ten list
in the morning. This time IG and I have decided to tackle the intro
double-handedly. What do you have to say about bad haircuts and metal, BROtherman?
IG: They go together like Asian midgets and
high-powered date rape drugs. Metal may be the greatest form of music in
all of mankind’s history, but its musicians have definitely sported
some of the worst “dos” to ever grace the human scalp. When your mind is
consumed by blastbeats and whammy bar sodomy, I guess you don’t put a
lot of thought or energy into your hair. These ten bozos certainly
Daem Taem: Actually, it might be the opposite in many of these cases. These dudes thought A LOT about their hair, but then made deeply incorrect decisions.
It takes two baby: That’s what makes this list so fantastic. Some of these atrocious looks are due to too much
attention while others are certainly the result of a serious lack of
hygiene and grooming. Just like our other fantastic lists of undeniable
perfection, we have covered the entire spectrum of results here. And
boy, do they look terrible.
Daental Exam: Yep, you’ve got your nu metal
day-glo shock coif, your balding but still holding on scuzztop, your
hairspray abuse-a-thon, and of course the once proud Pompadour turned
fallen idol. So fellow GD’ers, grab a comb and slick back your own
crusty locks while reading our top ten picks for the worst haircvlts in
metal. Anything else to add, you James K. Polk-looking motherfucker?
Invasive Procedure: You and I definitely would
have been on this list, buddy, if someone had found a picture of you
with your green tri-hawk or me with my slicked back George Washington
hair from back in the college days. We were (and still are) a couple of
ugly motherfuckers. That is why our hatred here is so raw, so beautiful.
Let the beatings commence!
Since this list is about hair-dos, I won’t comment on the total abomination that is Mudvayne’s music. Let’s just say that IT SUCKS MORE THAN YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT. Good. Now to the – eh? Err… hahah? Hahahaha?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (gasping for air) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Just look at that fucken picture! Is there any better possible way to resemble a bunch of imbeciles with a fucken negative
IQ? The sad part is that they probably aren’t pretending… they’re the
real deal. Anyway. The guy to the right looks like someone decided to
play chess on his head, firstly of course getting rid of any hair that
could’ve possibly made his inclusion on this list in any way acceptable.
He could also be used as a checkered flag at the Indy 500, with the
winner hopefully crashing into his skunky face. He probably smells like
The next sorry cocksucker is apparently preparing for the next Sith
Lord auditions in some upcoming George Lucas atrocity that further
destroys the legacy the original trilogy built. The fantastic pink fuzz
on his head is some kind of mutation between a fire that never got the
hang of being hot and a dead raccoon. Animal activists – charge!!! His
brother, the blue one, had a normal bratboy haircut until this morning,
when he looked into the mirror and saw that two looooong ass nipples had
grown out of his chin during the night. This traumatic moment of horror
made Baby Blue’s hair implode, whereas his brain spluttered out into
the open through his skull. No, I’m not making this up. Luckily his
brother happened to witness all this, and used his Sith skills to freeze
his sibling in mid-air, thus preventing his brain from totally exiting
his cranium (which would’ve raised his IQ back to zero). Using
levitation mastery (which should come in handy come audition time) Sith
Cockface transported Nippleface to the pre-paid photo shoot so their
manager wouldn’t have to fuck their asses (again).
The last one. Oh, dear. You know starfish?
Well, apparently Darwin wasn’t fucking with us. One of the maritime
fuckers learned how to crawl onto land, start a gay-ass band, dress up
like a hobo and paint his face like the idiots in Turisas And I won’t even comment on the rest of the guys’ wardrobe. On the other hand – yes, I will. Haha. Hahahahaha… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! Fuck you.
9. Karl Logan – Manowar
Now that’s a foreign body if there ever was one. I mean, the rest of
the dudes in Manowar might not fit into the world, but at least they
fit into Manowar. Big, manly, men with big, manly hair. Ridiculed across
the globe, but consistently hailed by a select few. And then there’s
this blond-haired beanpole with a pony cut. Are you honestly trying to
tell me you couldn’t find anybody else, so that this guy made
the cut for Ross the Boss’ spot? I mean, it probably wasn’t his
songwriting expertise that gave him the upper hand. But even if they
mistook him for a deranged girl, pony cuts look just as shitty on those!
What – the – fuck, Manowar?! Were it his combing skills? Or rather his
straightforward “If it blocks in my vision, I’ll just
cut SWORD it off!” attitude? Noooo. I tell you what it was – they are nothing but fucken hype-ridin’ sellouts!
8. Greg Trull – Dreadnaught
If Dreadnaught are considered the journeymen of the Australian metal
scene, then every inch of that journey can be seen on frontman Greg
Trull’s skull. Yeah, I know, boo boo you can’t pick on the follicular
challenged. Whatever, fuck off, hair loss is no excuse for making a bad
haircut of what remains. On old saying goes “beggars can’t be
choosers” but that is totally wrong. Beggars can choose, they
can choose not to make a complete hash of that last thick thatch of hair
on the back of their head, growing it so long and twining long thin
dreadlocks from them. They can choose not to connect that hair to their
beard via the sideburns. They have a choice.
Yet despite the gawd awful look, I hope Greg never cuts his hair.
It gives the band character, and there’s nothing more entertaining that
watching Greg’s hair in full flight live. Check it out at 3:44 into this clip
to see what I mean. Poetry in motion. And that helicopter move at the
end is definitely the coup de grace. Bad haircut? You bet, but don’t
7. Devin Townsend
As a guy who’s been losing hair since the tender age of 18, I can
really understand the pain felt by metal dudes with the same problem:
you can’t headbang the right way, you can’t creatively use the air machines, you go to a concert and you fucking look like a goshdarned square-type dude. So, yeah, Devin, I sympathize.
But, man, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW CAN YOU LET SUCH A SMALL, ALMOST INSIGNIFICANT PROBLEM DRIVE YOU, SUCH A TALENTED GUY, TO THE PATHS OF THE TERMINALLY RIDICULOUS? HOW IN FUCK’S NAME CAN YOU LET YOURSELF LOOK SO ABSOLUTELY LAME?
Tell me, isn’t it better now that you decided to stop fucking around and shaved your head? Doesn’t this look suit you fine an’ dandy? Don’t you look so much more serious and sophisticated? I mean, man, it’s just fucking hair, right? Fuckin’-A, it’s right!
6. Logan Mader – ex-Machine Head
I’ve never listened to Machine Head, but if this guy used to be the
fucken guitarist of the band, I don’t think I ever will. Just look at
those… things on his head. Are they made of hair? Plastic tubes?
Cockbones? Honestly, I don’t have a clue. I do however know that the
color is simply horrendous and that it really, really needs a good wash.
For crying out loud, he looks like a reject from a pop punk “Twilight”
soundtrack cover band. No, he look like a reject from a pop punk
“Twilight” soundtrack cover bands drummers inbred mothers last principal
little group that plays horrible country music about possums and the
huge yearly cost of toilet paper.
But that’s not all, oh no. Look at his chin for a minute. Can you
see that? Yeah, I think that’s supposed to be a beard braid. Logan, this
is a beard braid, what you have is some kind of prepubescent worm. How
an such an environmentally minded band like Gojira would even let this…
abomination get close and even mix “The way of all flesh” is just beyond
me. I mean, think of all the chemicals that goes into making that
5. Dani Filth – Cradle of Filth
I have absolutely no fucken idea what went thru Dani’s head at the
time of choosing this hair-do, but I’m sure sanity wasn’t one of them.
What is that… that… thing on his skull? Did this die and build itself a permanent residence on top of Dani’s anti-beautiful mug? Or did Wayne Static’s hair do (no pun intended) tons of LSD
and then metamorphosed into what you now can see crowning poor Mr.
Filth’s dome? Maybe D-Boy went up in the morning with an epiphany and an
inner voice commanding: Must. Fix. Hair. Must. Touch. These
Whatever it is, something went fuck-all wrong when Dani(elle) went
to his/her hairdresser. And by the way, as if the do needed a bonus
feature in this picture – who the fuck took a huge dump in Cradle
Fucko’s face? Seriously? Fuck was he thinking, again? Comedy value
The English dudette’s been sporting (1) quite a few (2) of these (3) disasters (4) over the years (5), none as hideous as this)
one though. And the saddest thing of it all is the fact that despite
this rockstar superhero looking like a complete retardo-hero, he’s still
selling his Toys’R‘Us black metal in larger quantities than you and I
ever will. It’s a fucken unfair world. And D-man’s hair-do is the fucken unfair act of all acts unfair.
-Lord K Philipson
4. Axl Rose – Guns n’ Roses
What an amazing American success story Axl Rose has become. From
being at the very top of the hard rock world and banging Victoria’s
Secret models to sitting in his mansion for years doing coke, playing
pinball, and working hard on an album no one gave half a fuck about once
it was released. Symbolic of his transformation from relevance to
eventual obscurity is his fucken haircut. Or hairdo. Whatever. He
looks like the five-headed, greasy redneck illegitimate human brother of
the Predator. Not that his scruffy mane was ever on par with Fabio’s
flowing locks, but now he resembles someone who lost a bet and ended up
in an African hair-braiding studio on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.
Lesson to be learned: don’t try mixing Botox and reggae at home, kids.
3. Max Cavalera – Cavalera Conspiracy/Soulfly/ex-Sepultura
What the hell is it with metal and dreads, huh? What are they
supposed to signify? That metal dudes, much like the Rastafaris, use
their hair as caches for da Holy Stinkyweed, da Mighty Ganja? Or that,
just like the Rastafaris, the metal dudes are fightin’ ‘gainst Babylon
for da Glory a’ Jah?
I really don’t know and, between you ‘n’ me, I really don’t give a
flying cow’s ass. All I know is that dreads are generally horrible and
that dreads on Max Cavalera’s head are a sight that has to be seen to be
believed. I mean, Jeeeeeezus, Max, don’t you have a mirror or
It’s not only that Max’ dreads are limp. Neither is it only that
they seem to move this way and that, in ways all of their own. Nor is it
only that they seem pitifully few, especially when compared to something like this.
It’s that, for all the above, they seem totally outta place on Max’
head, like they were haphazardly stuck upon it with crazy-glue.
Max really needs a hair stylist. Fast. Or the Good Taste Police will arrive at his doorstep, any time now…
2. All 80’s Hair Metal Bands
“Hey guys, let’s all dress up like chicks and have haircuts like The Bangles!”
And so Hair Metal was born. And it was terrible.
Well, not all of the music was complete fucken garbage, but the
haircuts certainly were. Dokken, Ratt, and Mötley Crüe all made some
legitimately rocking tunes; albeit while sporting some outrageously gay
hair-dos. If someone asked if you would rather fuck Annie Lennox or
Brett Michaels in 1987, you know who you’d pick. And it wouldn’t be
sweet dreams. Aqua Net and ballads was a formula for success and
cockknockers like Jani Lane, Rikki Rocket, and everyone in Cinderella
bought it hook, line, and anal sinker. Who has bigger hair in the video
for ”Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake? Singer David Coverdale or hired vagina Tawney Kitaen?
It’s a tough choice. That alone tells you that these 80’s dudes were
sporting haircuts that were more feminine than a vaginal commercial.
Really, what were these fucks thinking? Sure, they scored a shit ton
of pussy back in the day, but with all the cocaine that was flying
around in (the noses of) the 80’s even former staffer Smalley could have
gotten his dick wet on a regular basis. The only dudes who should put
make-up on are TV newsmen, clowns, and mimes. That’s fucking it.
Winger, Cinderella, Great White, L.A. Guns, Bullet Boys, E’Nuff
Z’Nuff, Warrant; I hope your rapidly balding scalps look back at the
towers of homosexual hair power that used to sit proudly on top of your
heads and laugh with sinister joy. You, like your permed-up locks back
in the 80’s, are all bad fucking jokes. As Wesley Willis, Satan rest his
soul, would say…
1. Tom G. Warrior – Triptykon/ex-Celtic Frost
My mind is fucken boggled. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t
know much about Mr. Warrior other than he has been an important dude in
the history of the more extreme varieties of metal we all prefer. And
he has had some good, long-haired ‘do’s along the way. But this… this
is madness. This is not Sparta. This is Came-a-lot.
Once the Middle Ages passed follicular rape of this variety was
outlawed worldwide, hopefully to never again see the light of day. How
could a man who once resembled a headbanging version of the “Clockwork
Orange” droog turn into… again, my mind is boggled. I have no words to
adequately encapsulate what’s going on here. The pointy goatee, the
zombie eyeshadow, the intense look on his face. All of it capped off
with one of the least heterosexual haircuts ever to traverse the void
from some cursed Lovecraftian dimension to perch upon the head of a
mortal. Is this a bob? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.
Legend says that the barber who was forced to perform this unspeakable
act killed himself by shoving an electric trimmer into his own eyes
repeatedly. Wish I had done the same prior to seeing Tommy Boy’s
attempt to torpedo nearly 30 years of credibility.