Introduction by InquisitorGeneralis: Remember
the first time you walked into the porno shop? You gazed at all of those
beautiful big box covers covered in pictures of big hairy boxes?
Luscious women (or dudes in staffer Smalley’s case) tantalized you with
alluring gazes and barely exposed sections of sultry flesh?
These are not those pictures, punk.
These are the worst death metal album covers ever. These
look like some Swedish dudes took a dump in the printer. Seriously,
I’ve seen kindergarteners do better drawings with their boogers than
these pieces of shit. C’mon man, put some effort in to your covers.
Photoshop can make any blubbery she-grimace look like Kate Moss, so why
can’t you guys make albums covers that don’t look like a collage of
dick-pics on a teenage girls wall? Don’t stare at these covers too long,
you might burn out your retinas.
10. Benediction: Grind bastard
What could be more fitting for a third (tops) grade… eh… death metal
(?) band than to have Spiderman draped in disco light on an album
entitled “Grind bastard”? No, seriously? Grind that disco light, you
grind bastard!!! It gets even better if you listen to the song while watching the cover (all wonderful 7 minutes of it…). You can almost feel
the deadly moves the superfag displayed is about to perform in his
latex heaven, were it not a still picture on a CD cover for a shitty
album. To make matters even worse, do not forget to take notice of the
death metal flash the retardo in the suit is juggling between his sperm
soaked hands. Manowar would be proud of the level of gay here.
THUNDER! LIGHTNING! DISCO! DEATH!
It’s so surprising Benediction never got themselves one single fan.
-Lord K Philipson
9. Master: Faith is in season
Jesus: Dude, seriously, with the mirror?
Jesus: There’s a giant gargoyle on the mirror in the
room where you shit, don’t you think you’re overdoing the whole Addams
family thing here?
Satan: Yeah you’re right, it needs naked, fat, curly-haired children and some gold leafing. Class out the ass, right there.
Jesus: I’m just saying. What next, a dragon-shaped bidet?
Jesus: Oh Jesus Christ, let’s just get this over with, I’ve got somewhere else to be.
Satan: What’s the matter, daddy doesn’t want you to stay out late?
Jesus: It’s cool, I told him I was going to appear to
some guy and see if he was so into us that he’d punch a baby in the face
or something. Dad loves that shit.
Satan: Haha, nice.
Jesus: Anyway, are we doing this stupid “Bloody Mary” thing or what?
Satan: Yeah, this shit is crazy, you just wait.
Jesus: This is just dumb. This is something dumbass humans would do.
Satan: Harsh, aren’t you half-human?
Jesus: Yeah but it’s like in that movie “Blade”. I get the best of both worlds but I still know which side I’m on in the end.
Satan: Or “Bloodrayne”?
Jesus: Whatever. And fuck you for that movie by the way.
Satan: Haha, you’re welcome. Such a talented director like Uwe Boll’s gotta get funding from somewhere right?
Jesus: Ugghh…. okay, we’re doing this, you ready?
Satan: Count of three… one… two…
Jesus and Satan: Bloody Mary… Bloody Mary…
Jesus: Bloody Mary! Oh, you fucking pussy!
Satan: Dude, did you see that!? In the mirror!?
Jesus: Nah, I was too distracted by the largest, gapingest vagina I’ve ever seen just to my right.
Satan: Seriously, it was like… our heads… they switched bodies.
Jesus: Oookay, buddy. I’m turning your wine back into water.
Satan: No, I saw it! I swear to… well, I swear.
Jesus: What, like if someone was trying to make some
kind of vague commentary, in a faux-controversial way? Like something
someone would slap together in Photoshop and chuck on an album cover.
Satan: Well, something like that yeah. That sure would make a shitty album cover.
Jesus: Yeah, fuck that shit.
8. Comecon: Fable frolic
Has anybody ever cared about fucken Comecon? Yeah, didn’t think so.
If you have or still do, then I’m not sure if our ideas of death metal
bear any semblance. It’s only too fitting that the band’s last album
(the one before they dissolved because their label wasn’t interested
anymore – curious!) marks an absolute low point both in respect to the
music and the artwork. Metal was absolutely dead in 1995, and Comecon
apparently tried to put the final nail in the coffin with this hideous,
what, ironic? – excuse for a cover. Yet while metal is going strong
again in 2012, Comecon are not. How ironic?
I totally see how this artwork is supposed to be taking the piss out
of standard metal proceedings, commendable motive, but that is just one
part of the story. Part two is, if you try to ridicule something as a
musician, make sure you at least have anything remotely interesting to
present yourself (reviewers of course can criticize everything they
want, as much as they want and – important – as unfairly as they want).
Did not happen. “Fable frolic”‘s cover art, shit fonts and bad image
editing included, thus forms the warning sign the disc deserves:
“Infectious suckage. Avoid like foot-and-mouth-disease.”
7. Master: The spirit of the West
I thought costume parties were reserved for black metallers? Not
with Master! OK, now judging from the cover, who of the band members
would you think made the decision to use it? You have three options:
a) Zdeněk Pradlovský
b) Alex “93” Nejezchleba
c) Paul Speckmann (hint: he’s got a huge beard)
Actually, you have only one option. This is “The spirit of the WEST”
after all, so those Russkis ain’t gettin’ no say. Now I wonder why
Speck is only up there three (and a half) times – I mean, after setting
that crimpled/burnt background image, they could have just Ctrl-V’ed him
all over this bitch!
Whatever though. Über-manly pose + Colt or not – Speckmann still
translates to Baconman in German. Wait, is that background image…
6. Grave: Hating life
I love Grave, but “Hating life” was really their only album I never
gave a fuck about and for good reason. It sucks. It bites ass. It blows
barnyards. This metaphorical car crash was so bad that it essentially
set Grave’s career back several years. You know the story. Not only did
it sound like shit, it looked like shit too. If the disc smelled like
diarrhea, tasted like mayonnaise, and felt like Dino Cazares’s ass, it
would offend all five senses. The whole package that was this album just
seemed cheap from the get-go. The music sounded hurried and whimsically
careless, and the cover looks like something that could be shat out in
half a minute. Gone is the awesomeness of the classic Grave logo, and in
its place you’ll find some simple, semi-shiny bullshit. The album title
is a weak and whispy vaginal font that’s not cool at all. As for the
image, the background consists of a severely darkened photo of the only
two band members with a mummy’s head overlaid. Oh, and the mummy’s eye
definitely looks a lot like Ola’s eye in the background.
Forget about the shitty music found on this record. Forget about the
shitty cover. Think about the total package here. We could possibly be
dealing with one of the shittiest overall albums ever created in Teh
World of ze Dess Metal, and it was brought into this world by a band
with an impressive, nearly unmatchable pedigree. Way to go, Grave.
5. Master: Let’s start a war
Little to say here. Hell, this cover is so wrong I don’t even know
where to start! Let’s see, first and most important of all, why on earth
is that bearded fucko posing as though he were a hot chick sunbathing?
Damn! I mean he’s like this from looking alike the gayest album cover ever.
Second, all the rest of the cover is nonsense, except perhaps for
the logo which is sort of cool. Seriously, after summoning death
metallers’ legions of hell to an apocalyptic war, the best this ass
could come up with is lying in the middle of it? No wonder why there’s
an alternative cover for this record. And the music? Surprisingly good!
It’s all about catchy and groovy death metal. A damn shame if you ask
4. Messiah: Extreme cold weather
Not really sure if… bleh, “ Extreme(!!!) cold weather”
qualifies as death metal in this day and age; sounds more like rather
derivative Venom/Celtic Frost/Bathory-influenced extreme(!!!) metal to
me, more thrashy/proto-black with a shit production than DM, but for the
sake of not having to find another shitty cover, let’s just say we took
a time machine to ’87, and had our memories of the last 25 years of
metal wiped out by the Men In Black with their flashy-thingy. In that
highly likely scenario, I guess E(!!!)CW might have sounded
like DM, that early in the genre. Even so, that doesn’t fix the muzak,
or this terrible cover; srsly, you guys go with one lonely polar bear
walking around somewhere in the Arctic Circle? This is supposed to be a
metal album dammit, not a fucken WWF ad (this
entry sure is getting a lot of unintentional pro wrestling acronyms,
huh?). Save Teh Metal and fuck the wildlife, am I right? What wait, not
in that way…
It’s even more pathetic with the bear right underneath that jagged
logo, and if you look at it closely, it doesn’t even really look sad
even, but more like asking the photographer “the fuck you
want?”. Either that, or it’s sizing up a next meal, which deserves to
happen to anyone responsible at all for this laughingstock. Then you
have that album title; “extreme(!!!) cold weather” is not extreme for
metal, it’s more like an everyday inconvenience. And yeah, the South
Pole is extreme(!!!)ly cold. And a drowning victim has moist skin, that
doesn’t make it interesting. Finally, you have the lyrics to the title
track, which is the cherry on top of this embarrassment sundae (bad
grammar quoted directly from Metallum, to add to the hilarity and save
me some work): “I hope I won’t freeze my toes off,/cause then I will
have to cough/an icycle’s hanging from my bum,/and there lies my
neighbours frozen mum.”
Can’t you just taste the METAL? Final moral of this story: leave the being inspired by cold weather thing up to the black metallers, they do that so
much better. It’s like, in their job description or something, so you
just stick to the death, blood ‘n guts stuff, and always remember to
recycle… to the extreme(!!!)
3. Centinex: Subconscious lobotomy
Centinex are a storied death metal band and even if they still
remain a bit of an underrated act those who dig through their
discography are bound to find a lot of quality material. They emerged
in the mid-90’s with a debut album of relatively melodic Swe-death that,
like so many other bands in the scene was recorded at the infamous
Sunlight Studios with engineer Tomas Skogsberg at the helm.
Unfortunately, “Subconscious lobotomy” didn’t follow in the footsteps of
their countrymen in Dismember or Entombed and hire Dan Seagrave for
Instead we get this bizarrely grotesque (and not in a good way)
rendering of what I imagine is supposed to be some kind of spooky
lobotomy. Instead it looks like a skeleton clown with really shitty
interior decorating skills is styling his blow-up doll’s hair.
Fortunately goat-lovin’ illustrator extraordinaire Chris Moyen
completely redid this bullshit for the vinyl reissue from the good
people at The Crypt. It’s still centered on a corpse doctor with
inexplicably flowing locks getting ready to drill some brain, but Moyen
went with an interesting approach; making it not look like shit. What’s
most interesting is that you can still see almost all of the secondary
elements from the original. The inexplicably huge full moon in the
background – though I guess a scene of undead and unlicensed surgery
isn’t the place to question realism, the chainsaw placed on the ground
almost like an afterthought, the knick-knack shelf, and so on. There’s
also a CD reissue with some decent H.R. Giger knockoff imagery that’s a
big improvement. But really, ANYTHING would be an improvement over Dr. Bozo’s Hair Salon of Doom.
2. Cemetery Rapist: Children of the porn
(Deep sigh)… Gimme a fucken break here. I mean, really? Is this the
best a hyper brutal grindcore (porncore if you ask me) fucko can come up
with? Come on!
First of all, the title, the motherfucking title godammit! A parody
of one of King’s best known stories, as well as a quite famous movie
just by changing one damn consonant in it, that’s what this is. Freaken
genius, uh? Then not only is the parody so evident, but this asshole
also needed to use as a setting… Yes, a corn field. Can you feel the
cleverness here? And last, but definitely not least, the skanks in it.
OK, it’s true, I’m positive every metalhead around the globe does watch
some porn on a regular basis, but this? These skinny bitches ain’t even
hot for hell’s sake! If you’re gonna steal porn to copy-paste it on the
moronic cover of your miserable and irrelevant release, steal pictures
of some barely fuckable whores next time, you idiot. And yes, the cursed
jewel of the bloody crown: the auto-stupid-incompetent-paint made
censorship. In pink. Do I need to say anything else?
I didn’t even dare to give the record itself a shot; however I’m
sure we’re dealing with a legendary album here. And yes, I’m about to
become the angry metal album covers reviewer or something.
1. Autopsy: Shitfun
I can’t think of anything funny to say about “Shitfun” and its
cover. I really can’t. Autopsy is my favourite death metal band ever.
Still, thanks to that cover I simply could not bring myself to listen to
the album for a really long time. Even now, it’s the one album of
theirs that I don’t own and will never buy. It’s just gross and
disgusting. It also made me give up on eating Seekh Kababs for a few years and then when I could finally go back to those succulent and juicy kababs they needed to be wrapped up in a roti,
I couldn’t watch it being prepared and I’d force myself to think of
ponies and rainbows. The band had disbanded sometime before this album
was released and some of the songs might have been early versions of
Abscess songs. The lyrical themes
were a bit more gross than usual with Reifert developing a shit
obsession that would reach its fulfillment with Abscess. The music was
Autopsy’s usual brand of dirty death metal but a bit more punk than
usual and probably a sign of things to come. Still, I will always judge
“Shitfun” purely on that disgusting cover and it will always be a gross out.