GD’s Top 10 Ugliest Guys In Metal

GD’s Top 10 Ugliest Guys In Metal

26/06/09  ||  Global Domination

Introduction by Daemonomania: Hello all and
welcome to another installment of Global Domination’s Top 10 lists. As
before, please feel free to disagree with our picks, but don’t be
surprised if you experience an odd sensation not unlike a fist forcing
its way into your rectum upon doing so.

This month’s list concerns the top ten most hideous dudes ever
to grace the stage of metal music. While we’d all love it if every
musician looked like hunky Brett Michaels, the sad truth is that our
favorite genre produces some of the fugliest individuals to survive a
tenth-trimester abortion. Of course, we mean that out of pure love –
we’d NEVER say that a person was repulsive AND their music sucked, would we?

10. Steve Grimmett - Grim Reaper 10. Steve Grimmett – Grim Reaper

English dudes are not known for being pretty people. I mean, we
have more than two of them on this list alone. Grim Reaper wasn’t
exactly drop your pants awesome, and Steve didn’t have the right stuff
to make the people salivate like David Coverdale. He looks like
Meatloaf and Winston Churchill (with more emphasis on the latter), two
other ugly dudes. I’m pretty poor with math, but don’t three negatives
still make a negative?

( – )English x ( – )Winston Churchill x ( – )Meatloaf = ( – )One ugly man.


9. Dave Murray - Iron Maiden 9. Dave Murray – Iron Maiden

So I guess it would be appropriate to, judging by his looks alone,
describe Dave Murray as Steve Grimmet’s well-mannered twin, or alter
ego. The Sméagol to Grimmet’s Gollum if you will. However, as you can
see, this doesn’t exactly work in poor Dave’s favour. I guess you can
get away with a lot of staggeringly hideous ugliness if you at least
manage to get a little evil into your looks, but if you look as
genuinely fucking non-threatening as Poodle Murray here, you suddenly
start pulverizing competition such as Nicko McBrain or any other
goddamned member of Iron Maiden. Contemplate that for a sec, this guy is
actually the worst looking guy in what may be one of the worst looking
bands in what is arguably the worst looking musical genre on the planet…
Ho-ly shit!


8. Shane Embury - Napalm Death 8. Shane Embury – Napalm Death

Shane Embury is an ugly dude in a band filled with ugly dudes.
Apparently, being a veteran of a pioneering grind group, along with 850
other sideprojects, doesn’t do much for your appearance. Is he a cool
guy? Without a doubt. Did he fall from the ugly tree, striking every
branch on the way down, only to be assaulted with the ugly stick by the
members of the Ugalee tribe when he hit bottom? Oh yes indeed. Though
it seems cruel, let’s analyze what we’ve got going on here. First and
foremost there’s the Sideshow Bob hairdo. Balding in the middle.
Rough. Combine that with some droopy eyes, a rotund figure, and an
on-again-off-again goatee. And you’ve got yourself Number 8. Basically
Shane’s quite lucky to be married, and his wife probably imagines
Steven Seagal (current) during their lovemaking.


7. Vrangsinn - Carpathian Forest 7. Vrangsinn – Carpathian Forest

No amount of corpse paint can reduce the amount of ugly on this guy,
though that’s probably not why he’s wearing make up anyway. The
well-respected (?) black metal sumo-wrestler Vrangsinn lives up to his
name (translates to “sick mind”), at least during live shows. A
666-pound sweaty rockmonster, nude, except for a set of fake boobies
covering his own, flailing away at the instrument by his crotch. No, not
his balls, his banjo! Huh? A bass? Come on, that can’t be a…
oh. I wonder what a banjo would look like in front of the Norseman’s
world wide… hm. Or I’d rather not. I suggest you don’t, either.


6. Ronnie James Dio 6. Ronnie James Dio

Certainly you’ve seen this face at one point in the past three
decades. If not, I suggest you go castrate yourself with some dental
floss and a rubber spoon. Lately he has been looking pretty crusty, and
certainly not someone you’d drop your pants and orient yourself towards
taking the manhood for. You know, you could probably shave off the
hair on the top of his head, leave the sides, and he’d look awfully
similar to the Crypt Keeper. But man can he sing. Doesn’t stop him
from being a supremely ugly man, as evidenced by this photo. He won’t
get the top spot since he is a million years older than others on the list and therefore absolved of some of his uglier features… but still.


5. Lemmy Kilmister - Motörhead 5. Lemmy Kilmister – Motörhead

As foul as those dirty warts on his face may be, as booze and drug
riddled as his internal organs probably are, and as burnt out as his
septum definitely is, Lemmy is cooler and more attractive than YOU. How can you tell? Well, estimates place the number of chicks he has banged at somewhere between 1,200 and 2,000. YOU,
on the other hand, have banged 1 rented tranny with the lights off so
that you could pretend it was a full-on female. Indeed Lemmy gives all
of us dejected and rejected metalheads a bright ray of hope. If a man
this repellent can become a legend of sperm-dispersal on par with
Genghis Khan simply by picking up a bass, maybe there’s a chance that we
too will someday reproduce. Ugly you may be, Mr. Kilmister, but the
pure power of rock and roll destroys that insubstantial barrier between
attraction and repulsion. Oh, and I was living a lie concerning Lemmy
until recently. I believed the rumor that he had his warts removed and
sold them on eBay. While that tale is false, the stories that his warts
detach themselves at night and wander the darkened streets of Liverpool
in search of human blood is nothin’ but fact.


4. Devin Townsend 4. Devin Townsend

Hevy Devy’s certainly made some interesting (read: deranged) metal
in his time, but forget that right now; just marvel at how ugly he is!
Devin looks like if someone took the reverse-fossilization machine from
“Futurama” (the one that they used to make Bender human, remember?),
hooked the Crypt keeper
up to it, and he was the result of that process (either that, or the
insane uncle you have that never gets invited to Thanksgivings bumbled
his way into a metal band somehow). That ragged little beard, the raving
mad look in his eyes, the mismatched, carnivorous-inclined chompers,
the crazy face poses, that stringy, puke-yellow and brown hair, and (of
course) the skullet, the only hairstyle that
looks like the end product of a freak lawnmower accident. It all adds up
to one dude more than deserving of a place on our humble little list,
and the constant donning of tanktops despite his very unspectacular
physique doesn’t help things out any either…


3. The brothers of Nifelheim 3. The brothers of Nifelheim

There are ugly metal musicians, and then there’s ugly metal bands.
Enter Swedish black metal heroes Nifelheim. Now you’d pretty much
expect devil worshipers of this magnitude to have quite some grim
looking prospects as far as divine retribution goes. Well, as this very
list has told us thus far, the gift of attractiveness does not smile on
the blasphemous, and few people suffer as badly from being on the wrong
side of the wrath of God as Pelle and Erik Gustavsson. Seriously, look
at the guys. Combining the skeeziest motherfucking mustaches you did
ever see with hairdos that make Shane Embury look like a goddamn
Rogaine-advert, and coupling these with their visages of
lethargy/mindless fucking hatred and you get two brothers looking so
incredibly pedo that they aren’t even allowed to look at their own
childhood photographs.


2. Timo Tolkki - Revolution Renaissance 2. Timo Tolkki – Revolution Renaissance

Suomi’s very own king of cheese, aka power metal, is not a dude I
would have fucked had I been gay(er). I’d do him if he promised to never
make an album ever again – hell, I’d even lick his ass for that to
happen – but I’m afraid one has to kill him before he quit making
anymore of that hideous music. But beware, for he is the resurrection of
Christ, all according to himself of course, so if you decide to finish
him off there’s a fat chance he’ll come back after 3 days to stalk your
mancunt. No kidding, rumor has it that the picture attached to this shit
piece is taken just after he finished eating the asshole of the last
individual who shot him in the face.


1. Dino Cazares - Divine Heresy/Fear Factory 1. Dino Cazares – Divine Heresy/Fear Factory

With a first name like Dino, this guy’s just asking for
some ridicule, but if one thing has earned Cazares some respect (and
made him harder to make fun of here), it’s those fingers; this guy
produced some awesome riffage as Fear Factory’s guitarist back in the
day. Too bad the man is so damn big; I mean, just look at that pic! Dino
is the living definition of “lumpy”, and it was always kind of amusing
(just kind of, since he was giving us the awesome riffs) to watch him lumber around on stage
with the other, skinnier members of FF, and do the bend over/stand
straight again, hunched-down kind of headbangs. It was pretty much
impossible to ignore how awkward he looked while playing live, and I’ve
never really seen him look any lighter either; it’s like he’s in a state
of permanent near-obesity (and if that’s true, I’d hate to see what his
baby pics look like; I imagine something sort of like the pic of him
with the dog…). I haven’t been interested at all in the other bands Dino
has worked with, but maybe his recent reunion with Fear Factory will
produce something good later on, and make me happy to see that chunky,
lovable oaf on stage again.



3 comments on “GD’s Top 10 Ugliest Guys In Metal

  1. Andres Cuoiaio
    December 13, 2015

    What about that little rat called Dani Filth? That is one ugly feisty motherfucking maggot!

  2. Balzur
    January 29, 2016

    Who even gives a fuck about artist’s beauty in metal? Go back to pop boy-bands you fuckin’ poser.

  3. handsomelustrousblackladbrady
    January 18, 2018

    How ’bout fellow Canadian lad Robbie Bachman?Good ol’ Rob wasn’t exactly a handsome YOUNG chap,and like Yours Truly,he’s about to turn 65 (on Feb.18 to my July 6) and now looks like about an 80-year-old.

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This entry was posted on June 14, 2014 by in Lists of Domination.
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