Introduction by Daemonomania: At this point,
you can pretty much mark your calendar – each month there will,
hopefully, be another indisputably correct “top ten” best or worst list
thanks to us. And once per month you can get all catty and poofy about
how the list surely won’t feature the correct top ten according to YOU.
However, we will continue not giving a shit every day of each and
every month about your stupid favorites until you start a rival website
full of garbage no one cares about. Fat chance that will happen. So
take the easy road, slacker, and enjoy our choices.
This month’s list should make up for the permanent retinal
damage caused by our “Top Ten Ugliest Dudes” list a while back. While
the metalness of their respective bands may be in
question, there is no doubt that these ladies are easy on the eyes. If
you’re a woman in a metal band and feel you’re better looking than any
of the broads featured here, feel free to email us some steamy pics of
yourself. We’ll get back to you right away. Or maybe after about ten
10. Marta Peterson – Bleeding Through
Just to make this crystal clear: I’m writing this one against my
will. Somehow this Marta-something chick made it into the top ten with a
number of votes, but when it came time to actually WRITE about why she was so hot, well, no one stepped up to the plate. So here I am – rock you like a whorricane.
Back to the question at hand – apparently this is one of two
“Marta’s” in this list. Are stupid names popular these days? Shop
smart, shop S-Marta? Wal-Marta? Sounds like a Depression-era moniker
for an old bag with no teeth who sells jars of preserves to fellow Okies
on their way to California. As for her looks, well, she ain’t bad.
Reminds me of that hot goth chick you were always trying to bang in high
school. Well – you were trying whilst I was
successful. Good application of hair dye, a decent rack, and a cute
face IF caught at the right angle. If the sun ain’t at the right spot,
however, watch out
– danger ahead! Yeah, that keyboard is as scared as I am. What a nice
segue into discussing her music. You guessed it, Bleeding Through won’t
be taking home any awards around these parts. Bleeding through what,
yer pantyliner? Still I could see this band having appeal if you were
12 years old and just starting to get into the hard shit. “ROFLgettothechoppa, this is like THE JAMZ when he screams and then he sings about his feelings and the breakdown is THE JAMZII
=p”. So is Marta just the obligatory chick keyboard player in the
average American nucrabcakecore band? Will she end up doing low-budget
Pakistani porn in three years when the trend perishes? We’ll have to
wait and see.
9. Kristen Randall – Winds of Plague/Abigail Williams
Take average-looking woman. Add tattoos. Improvement! Thus is the
equation that got Kristen Randall on this list. Sadly, it seems like
we’re following the Revolver “Top ten hottest ladies” list a little too closely. Everyone knows that if metal went over to the Revolver offices and started slapping everyone on staff with its foul scrotum (which they might like), they still
wouldn’t be able to tell what metal was. Let alone find ten women
involved in it. So let’s get the music part out of the way quickly. As
I’m sure you’ll hear in every other entry on this list, her band is
bad. Brocore vocalist who could have used his talents elsewhere in a
real heavy band had he not smoked one too many blunts and started trippin and slippin
without his heat on the dash. Stolen-from Sweden melodic licks all
over the place. And too much keyboard, served up courtesy of Ms.
Which leads me to wonder, are these women a marketing ploy? Fucks
like her bandmates wouldn’t just happen to be friends with a woman this
attractive. Maybe there’s some agency out there recruiting
decent-looking ladies to either sing or play the Casio in
kiddie-approved semi-metal. Well, the agency coulda looked a little
harder in this case – Randall’s cute only because of the ink, methinks.
Kinda mannish. But she appears to be in good shape and as long as she
doesn’t get tatts on her boobs (icky) or a huge image of a spider with
dripping chelicerae over her cooch with the word “widowmaker” and an
arrow pointing downwards (double icky), I’d hit it. What a sentence.
Last but not least, there’s a picture online of her flashing the goods.
Find it yourself.
8. Anna Murphy – Eluveitie
This redhead beauty is the main reason why one would want to attend
an Eluveitie concert. Remember to bring earplugs of the most muffly kind
– you’ll want to not hear the music while enjoying the eye candy
presented, ‘cause like most of the chicks on this list, her band is
extremely inferior to her looks. If you can choose between listening to
semi-hard folk “metal” or muting the fucken noise so you can focus on
what is important – a hottie with a face of classical beauty proportions
letting her lustrous ginger locks loose in one of the sexiest headbangs
ever seen – well, that’s an easy choice to make. Oh yeah, she’s got an
angelic voice too, and plays the most metal of all instruments – the hurdy gurdy. Fuck yeah!
7. Liv Kristine Espenaes Krull – Leaves’ Eyes
Unlike some of the gals on this list, Liv Kristine has not only been in a band that’s actually good, but two of them; take that, Simone Simons! Her voice even helped me enjoy a Cradle Of Filth song
as well; will wonders never cease?! Anyway, after doing a great job
singing for Theatre Of Tragedy on their first five albums, Liv was fired
in ’03 due to “differences of opinion” about the future of that group,
but it’s ok, since she had Leaves’ Eyes waiting for her anyway. Her
distinctive, feathery-but-still-strong voice gives a very unique appeal
to LE (it sure as hell ain’t her husband’s vocals that do it!), and, not
only does she have the voice of an angel, but the face of one as well.
That rich, beautiful blonde hair, those gorgeous lips, the milky skin
and pale, piercing blue eyes… they all set Liv apart from most other
women in looks, and truly make her look like an exotic, ethereal,
untouchable sort of being.
And this may sound weird, but I also love the way her face tapers
down into an oval towards the bottom; maybe a minor detail, but it looks
so perfect, and only adds to her beauty. C’mon, I dare you now to deny
how awesome her face shape is! As for Liv’s sense of fashion, it’s
always varied, always magnificent, and speaking of clothing, that
neckline on the kimono she wore in the Elegy
video…? Certainly not the only example of her cleav out there, but
easily the best. Still, like I said earlier, Liv is much more than some
useless eye candy that’s paraded out in front of the band to attract
more “fans”, but rather, an extremely talented and vital member, which
only helps me appreciate her sexiness even more (since she isn’t just
coasting by on her looks). Though, the way she’s always appearing solo
on Eyes album covers sort of reminds me of that No Doubt vid, the one
where the other members get pissed at Gwen ‘cause they got cropped out
of the mag photo… erm, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, don’t forget
to pick up the new Leaves’ Eyes album this month, guys! They really do
deserve some more love…
6. Anneke van Giersbergen – Agua de Annique/ex-The Gathering
Sure, I know what you’re thinking; Anneke isn’t even playing metal
anymore. Uh, yes, she is. Even though Agua de Annique is watered down
keyboard rock, this little lady keeps well integrated into the scene,
participating in recent Napalm Death and Moonspell albums. Not to
mention her well-documented era in The Gathering (yes, I know they’re
not metal anymore either. Shut up, it still counts). I also know many of
you will frown upon her not-so-classical beauty. Rest assured,
limp-cocked bastards, this woman is one of the sexiest alive, just watch
one of her gigs. Her adorable smile, her childish batting of eyelashes,
her sensual dancing on the stage. Charisma goes a long fucking way,
gentlemen, and no one is this biz has more than Annie. And even though
she’s in her mid-thirties and a mother, she’s still incredibly pretty.
How many women can you say that about, huh? Especially in metal? How
about on this very fucking list? Let’s see Simone Simmons in a few years
and without make-up, fuckers, then we’ll talk. Last, but not least,
Annie has epic pipes, and that compliment goes for both her vocals as
well as her boobs. You just can’t go wrong here.
5. Alissa White-Gluz – The Agonist
This little lady is the lead singer for melodeath/metalcore outfit
The Agonist. They fucking suck, and she does too, but looking at her I’m
wanting her to suck at more than singing. Yeah, you know what I’m
talking about, don’t you Alissa? She’s got a magic model matched with
marvelous mammaries, flashy hair that looks like it’s straight from an
anime, and some wonderfully full lips, and a look on her face that says
“Why, yes, I certainly could go for some cock now, kind sir, thank you
very much”. What more could you really wish for?
Alright, yes, you could wish for her to look more like Simone
Simmons, but that’s a league all the other chicks here can’t reach. But
hell if I wouldn’t rather bang this than that Avril Lavigne wannabe down
at second spot or have my skull sheared open by Tarja “Axeface”
Turunen’s nose. Bonus for Alissa: she conveyed in an interview that
performing turns her on, even bad shows, so no matter how shit they are,
she’s always walking off the stage leaving puddles of pussyjuice
running down her legs. So if you feel like exploring her Tunnel of Love,
get a backstage pass. And some good earplugs. The music still sucks.
4. Tarja Turunen – ex-Nightwish
This lady with the dark chest of wonders, oh how I wish I had an
angel such as she. As an aside, I think I lost Nemo on the planet Hell.
But wait, what do I see there in the creek? Mary’s blood. The siren
wails as I plant flowers in the dead gardens, hoping to never again
think of the romanticide that I experienced. Oh, poppycock, there I go
again thinking of the ghost – love score: 3 – 0. This artist’s demise is
afoot somewhere higher than hope can see, you can bet on that. But here
I find myself and Tarja, in my white night fantasy (yes, that white). As I awake I realize I live to tell the tale of how I copied the song titles from “Once”.
So, apparently she was kicked out of the band because she was
married and they didn’t like the fact that they couldn’t hit on that
sweet lady – I mean, cumbucket – anymore. Good for her, Nightfish sucks
anyways. She’s gone solo now (that would be fun to watch, no?) and the
music sounds just like Nightfish, so maybe not so good for her.
She still even uses the elf makeup and stuff. Probably the same fans,
as well. So let’s hope for some hate-mail, shall we? It’s a good thing
to have a good voice and looks that at least match, you know… alright,
to be all honest, I nominated her because it was bound to happen. Did I
think she deserved to be towards the top? Fuck no, but the voting went
this way. I don’t regret it one bit, looking at most of the other on the
list. I don’t quite feel like writing an essay about her beauty because
I’m not fluent in Elven languages and I forgot my plastic ears back in
1997, but would you honestly look at her and say “FUGLY!”? I didn’t think so, so shut the fuck up already.
3. Cristina Scabbia – Lacuna Coil
Okay, so she has an icky-sounding last name. And Lacuna Coil isn’t
very good (though more of that is to blame on the male singer than her).
And she’s dating one of those clowns from Slipknot. But regardless of
that, Cristina Scabbia is still hot; while not really sexy in the
“traditional” way (i.e. having big boobs), she has plenty of sexiness
going on up top; her perfectly-proportioned lips/nose/eyebrows, that
incredibly smooth skin, the silky black hair, those dark, deep brown,
come-hither eyes, the ones that go so well with her ever-present eye
makeup? I also like those big leather boots n’ heels she always seems to
be wearing, as well as the black clothing all around, which goes so
well with her facial features and hair style. And, though I admitted
most of Cristina’s sex appeal is from her face, the fact that she isn’t a
prude about showing some skin
every now and then doesn’t hurt either; just don’t remake any more
Megadeth songs ever again, pretty please ma’am? And uh, sorry about that
whole “messing around with the Lacuna Coil forum” me and other GD’ers
did a while back, heh heh. Let’s see, what else can I say about
Cristina… er, her fingers look pretty? Fuck this already, I’m done.
2. Karin Axelsson – Sonic Syndicate
Lemme just say that this list is complete shit. Look at all the
fucken cunts included here… Is this the best we could do? Are these
hookers the cream of the crop in metal? If it is so, we live in a sad
fucken world. We must have been doing all kinds of cheap drugs to make
this the final list, that’s for sure. Alot of fags will complain about
that Angela Gossow gal not being in this here list. Tough. We obviously
didn’t wanna vote for her. It’s quite fucken clear that we thought “Hey, let’s include that fucken troll from Eluveitie. Or that Bleeding Through (my maxi-pad) hag. Those 2 are GREAT looking!”
instead. For. Fuck’s. Sake. Whoever initially nominated them should be
fucken slapped in the face repeatedly with a huge dildo made out of
explosives and barbed wire.
Anyways… This list is what we came up with. Bare with us. And bare
with me coz I was lucky enough to get this Karin-bitch dropped onto my
lap for a nice write-up (I think Alissa White-Gluz should have won. Not
that I have any fucken idea who she is, nor have I ever heard about the
fucken skank before, but she looks least worse of the bunch, at least in
the picture of her write-up – she might as well look like a garbage can
gone berzerk in any other pic, fuck if I knew).
Wow, thanx fucken loads for letting me cover the bassist of Sonic
Syndicate anyways, we all know about my love and affection for this band
in general and their bassist-extraordinaire, Karin, in particular (her
place on this list is actually based solely on the picture you can see
below to the left). Yes, I am being sarcastic. Now when the extremely
annoying half of the vocalists (they have 2… cool, huh?) of this band
left the ship we can actually start dissecting this chick without being
distracted by the 2-year old manners of ex-vocalist Roland. Hooray!!!
Karin probably can’t play bass for fucken shit (read between the lines
of some of her own interviews) but she can sport a “fuck me, big boy!”
look with the best of them. Or at least she used to be able to –
back when she still had long hair and that sexy hat on. Then the shit
hit the fan, she cut her hair and decided to become a respected musician
(ehum… yeah… right) instead of a pretty face and flat chested poster girl. Right… zzzzzz… Yawn…
As you can tell from the picture to the left here she’s in the band becoz she look(ed)s somewhat decent (compared to what
exactly? A wombat?) and “sexy”. To explain it to you as if you were 3
years old: useless, “hot” chick musicians in bands is usually a great
selling point – and that’s probably why some of them are in bands
instead of cooking dinner, ironing shirts and whatnot.
Hold on, feminist force of the world – that last sentence was only a joke.
We all know you can’t iron or cook for shit.
BOOM! I WIN!
Are we sexist? Fuck yeah. Are we old, boob-addicted, tragic
journalist wannabe’s with no-to-little life outside the Internet? If it
makes you feel good – fuck yes, that too. What about “pathetic, no-good,
assmunching pricks who take pride in shitting on anything and
everything that do not apply to our taste”? You fucken bet. Most most
importantly we are honesty, self-loathing and dignity in their purest forms. Fucken hooraaaay!!!
You might think I hate Sonic Syndicate and Karin… I don’t. I think
they are a decent band. Plastic, fabricated shit, sure – but decent for
being completely soulless. To tell you the truth, at this point when I’m
writing this I don’t even know what fucken spot Karin ended up on at
this list (either way it’s too high up) – that’s how much I fucken care.
Let me wrap this shit-burrito up by saying there’s only one woman
playing bass in a metal band that I admire and respect to the fullest:
Jo Muthafucken Bench.
To the rest of you fucken idiots: you may now continue to love and adore me.
-Lord K Philipson
1. Simone Simons – Epica
No, it’s not Angela Gossow you bunch of fucken 12-year olds.
However, before we get to the task at hand (luckily for you I have two):
Is Epica even metal, thereby negating this fine woman’s place on the
Was the Pope a Nazi?
See, there’s plenty of diverging opinions. So fuck you, for the sake
of this list Epica is considered metal. I don’t make it a habit to lust
or fondle myself over redheads, but goddamnit if she is not one of the
most beautiful I’ve seen. Ever. I secretly hope she is either blond or
brunette and just dyes her hair, but either way, I’m not going to
complain. Her voice is actually pretty good, too, she just sometimes
goes way too operatic.
But I think she could do with better music, for real. This symphonic
“metal” is beyond fucken cheese. From what I’ve heard it doesn’t sound
like she’s given much room to deviate from Ms. Operatica. This girl
started singing because of Nightwish, and as much as I hate Nightwish I
must thank them, for she might not have taken vocal lessons and improved
the pipes under those gorgeous melons and given the cheese factory that
is Epica a reason to make music. As pretty as this sperm bank is, you
date the fucken keyboardist from Kamelot? He better have a gigantic
penis if you’re going to settle down with that kind of musician. Does
that knock points off for being hot? Fuck no, but it makes one(me) very
perturbed. There I go being Negative Nancy like I am so often, let’s get
back to the positive.
I think I’ve mentioned her tits already, have I not? Well, when
given the right boost and squeeze from a corset or latex, they look
fan-fucken-tastic, drool-worthy, fondle-ready, all that jiz… er, jazz.
Also not too big at all, but definitely more than a handful, like a
couple of fine ripe melons. Also, she isn’t pierced on her fucken face
like a lot of the hags in this list are. That’s one of the biggest
reasons she wins out here. I don’t want to imagine the taste of metal as
I dream about getting naughty, and to me it just looks fucken skanky.
That, sirs, is why she won. That, dickweeds, is why I nominated her.
Feel free to disagree, feel free to cry, feel free to send me hatemail. I
don’t fucken care. I’ve got a lot better things to do, like finish my
metal symphony, because I’ve got a microphone I’d like her to sing with.
And here is why they sell more records than you ever will: